The Colbert Report/Episode/501

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
January 20, 2009
Production code:
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The show started with no Statements of Truthiness and went straight to the theme

Stephen Somberly Considers This Historic DayEdit

  • continuing live coverage 20th of January, the year of Our Lord two-thousand and nine
    • Barack Obama has been inaugurated President of the United States of America
  • it was brave of Stephen to admit that
  • men will marry each other
  • Stephen didn't want Obama pres of America
    • wanted him to be president of Nicaragua
  • Stephen will support him as long as he is popular
  • starting around 11:30 am EST
  • Aretha Franklin stole a bow off a Lexus for the occasion
  • Stephen got something in his eye
  • 2 million people gave the Queen of Soul
  • made his powergrab
  • Stephen is not angry
    • deal you watch; he screams
  • felt like his heart is about to burst as though filled with rainbows
  • Lowery's benediction is best Dr. Seuss book ever
  • Stephen wishes he was black for one day
    • shouldn't put on make-up
    • talking about it is a bad idea

Live Report From WashingtonEdit

  • P.K. Winsom
    • at the Black Republican Ball with Michael Steele
  • PK was already in Washington for a meeting of his program, "Doctors Within Borders"
    • like a free clinic
      • except you get examined in a Border's Bookstore
      • and it's not free
  • sled down the top of Martin Luther King's mountaintop on the Barack O-Boggan
    • made of all synthetic materials
    • cry "Wee!" at last (thank God almighty, wee at last)
  • Did you ever think you'd ever live to see this day?
    • "Yes I Thought I'd Live To See This Day" t-shirts
      • message: we (African-Americans) don't age in dog years; we live just as long as everyone else. Stop asking us when we're going to die
  • J.C. Watts (referee for foosball)


  • stop calling him President-elect
    • calling him the cause of all our problems
  • comparing himself to Lincoln
  • Joe Biden was sworn in on the Hogawart's Spellbook
  • Political Life
    • Lincoln filled his cabinet with rivals
    • Clinton, Biden, bowling ball
    • create rivalries within the cabinet
  • Intellectual Life
    • Lincoln
    • first to call pizza "zza"
    • read his writings
  • Personal Life
    • have a crazy wife
    • strength he gained from his crazy wife "Mary Todd"
  • drive Michelle wacko
    • re-hem her clothing eventually she will think she's becoming a giant
  • Do Grow A Beard
    • full Santa
  • car named after you like the Chrysler van Buren


  • Obama means "hello" and "goodbye" in Hawaiian
  • What does Obama mean?
    • wrote the book as a way to look at Obama's effect on the nature, metaphorically
  • project our hopes and dreams on Obama
    • should also fears and nightmares
  • see him as a mirror
  • as an African-American on TV, he speaks for all blacks
  • we will be like vestigial fish that get trapped in caves and go blind
  • what is the opportunity?
    • Stephen likes to make a buck
  • how best can we move forward together through mutual investment
  • not be dragged, develop momentum reach escape velocity from history
  • also wrote a book "What McCain Means"
    • he's not authorized to discuss it
  • focused on campaign, not presidency
    • willing to vote for a black guy


  • Dr. Colbert noticed something interesting about Obama's inauguration:
    • it seemed to mean something special to African-Americans
    • and Stephen
  • this must logically mean Stephen is black
    • he doesn't see race but, people tell him he's white because he dances with his thumbs out
  • Stephen realizes that he and Obama are like family
    • sometimes they will agree, sometimes they will disagree


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