The Colbert Report/Episode/498

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
January 14, 2009
Production code:
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  • Change You Can Cash In On
"Is Barack Obama being over-marketed!? For just $25 you can get a commemorative tote-bag containing the answer!"
  • Space Case
"Then, astronomers make an important discovery about the stars: they're just like us!"
  • Public Service Announcement
"And my guest Alan Khazei says Americans should volunteer public service! I'll volunteer to publicly serve him his own ass!"

Flag quote open clear2
Hey, I don't pay my taxes! Why can't I be Treasury Secretary!?
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
January 14, 2009 The Colbert Report

Things That Change the Climate in Dr. ColbertEdit

  • Shout Out to his college acting teacher
  • It's cold in the city
    • while waiting in line, some members of the mob had their genitals fell off like graham crackers
  • partly angry with a chance of rage
  • something got Dr. Colbert's Irish up, but that usually happens in the morning
  • Iranians were burning pictures of Obama
  • Mahmoud Ahme-Dontyouwishyourgirlfriendwashotlikeme-nejad
  • schoolchild essay winner "Death To America: What it means to me"

Dr. Colbert Is Not An Apologist For ObamaEdit

  • is he really qualified
  • is he really American
  • where was he the night Vince Foster died?

But, the market has spoken

  • Obama can sell crap
    • worthless crap
  • Obama coins are not approved, endorsed sponsored or authorized by the U.S. government, meaning they're worth more than real money
  • Obama may never be a great president, he is however a great marketing tool
  • pundit, entrepreneur and Black Republican, P.K. Winsome
    • also president of PK Winsom's Finishing Camp for Talented Young Ladies
  • he's proud
    • the Chinese character for "proud" is the same as the one for "opportunity"
  • breaking down barriers takes energy
    • offers commemorative Obama "Yes We Can of Energy Drink"
    • 100% real pomegranate artificial flavoring
  • Dr. Colbert says one sip makes him feel like he's in a flavor lab in the Mediterranean (and alive)!
  • you crash quickly and can't give blood for a month
  • it is the dream MLK dreamed of
    • enjoy PK's butter substitute: Obamargarine
  • Dr. King would be proud
  • commemorative egg timer is free at last (if you order now)
    • it has family heirloom written all over it (on the back)
  • "Dreams from My Father"
    • Chapter One: "Well-Endowed Naked Lady Riding A Lion"
    • although PK's father is gone, his dream lives on; $19.95
  • people say Dr. Colbert is white, because he watches Antiques Roadshow
  • white people can take advantage of these opportunities without seeming racist
  • Obama is the greatest African-American marketing opportunity since the Thurgood Marshall Grill
    • not just Thurgood, they're Thur-great
  • Dr. Colbert's humble tribute to Obama
  • The Colbert Mint presents: this Historical Collectables of History Collection
    • Zenith of Change
      • depicting the inauguration of Barack Obama as viewed on a Zenith television by Stephen Colbert
      • richly detailed
      • machine-colored plate
      • inscribed with touching message: "NOT FOR USE IN MICROWAVE"
  • available for a limited time only
    • once people stop placing orders, they will be ground into pumice stones and sold to a Korean nail salon
  • A Plate You Can Believe In
  • finest quality ceramic
    • a Barack Obama commemorative plate being admired by Stephen Colbert hand-painted onto an old John F. Kennedy collectable plate that was originally worth over $100 (before it was painted over)
  • heirloom quality dish
  • Guaranteed to change in value
  • You'll never forget where you were when your credit card was charged in full

Size MattersEdit

  • we are on the verge on so many devastating crisis
    • we may run out
  • some see the glass as half full, others see it as half empty
    • either way it's urine and you'd drink it if you were in the desert
  • little Victories
    • lying back in a field looking at the stars
    • take stock
    • realize how significant Stephen is
  • compensate by saying how big our dipper is
  • our galaxy has 50 more mass than previously thought
  • Andromeda is so tiny, Stephen has observed nebulas with greater H2 regions
  • the Milky Way has a black hole at the center; Andromeda is just a plain asshole
  • Andromeda's apparent magnitude is 4.4, but its losertude is a perfect 10
  • insults will burn in 2.5 million years
    • Dr. Colbert awaits the response from Andromeda


  • Alan Khazei founder and CEO of Be the Change, Inc.
  • all Americans should do their part to make this country better, Dr. Colbert can't do it all himself
  • Stephen is reasonable
    • Be The Change, calling for MLK Day a day of national service
  • why should anyone do something for someone else without getting paid for it
  • what's the upside?
  • Dr. Colbert pays taxes
    • and he gives and gives every night
  • we are facing tremendous problems, if everyone works for free, the economy will damaged
  • many organization agree
  • 17-24 year olds to give a year full time
    • calling them to a volunteer nice draft
  • there's no cash in it
  • MLK also said "Follow the money"
    • and "I've got my mind on my money and my money on my mind"
  • MLK was fighting against people for working for no pay
  • America was built on national service, which is not true
    • people who had a tea fetish
    • America was built on an Indian Burial Ground
  • citizens have lead for change in this country
  • What young people get out of it:
    • discover full potential
    • help young, seniors
    • help Katrina victims
    • earn college scholarship
  • he supports Our President
  • Dr. Colbert signed a Declaration of Service (Eugene Krubnik)


  • Dr. Colbert asks everyone to remember that his commemorative plates are still available
    • if you order in the next 30 minutes, you get not one, but two sets billed to your credit card


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