The Colbert Report/Episode/497

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
January 13, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit

  • Dr. Colbert has decided not to sleep now until next Tuesday so he doesn't miss any more of The Greatest Administration Ever
  • hibernating
    • Stewart will empty his droppings every Monday, which isn't any different than what happens currently


  • Gas-Nost
"Russians cut off the natural gas pipeline to Europe! In the most boring James Bond plotline ever!"
  • Union Jerk
"Plus, a new threat from England! You'll never guess what they've managed to put into a pie!"
  • Niall'd 'Em
"And my guest Niall Ferguson has written a financial history of the world! Why didn't he write a book with a happy ending!?"

Flag quote open clear2
A house divided against itself cannot stand! But, it's worth squat in this market anyway!!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
January 13, 2009 The Colbert Report

Optimism In The Face Of TaxesEdit

  • Dr. Colbert is finally feeling good about the Obama Administration
    • afraid they would raise taxes
  • Obama's Treasury Secretary designate Timothy Geithner so committed to lowering taxes, he doesn't pay them!
  • Stephen won't pay sales taxes at IHOP
  • Dr. Colbert calls on Congress to confirm this man because he is so committed to treasure
  • emotional end, nearing the end of the Bush Presidency

Cold War UpdateEdit

  • Wall Street Journal showed comparison photos of Bush at beginning and end of his
  • presidency ages people
  • Dr. Colbert showed some examples of how people have aged, he showed:
    • how Jimmy Carter has aged
    • how he has aged since starting the show three and a half years ago
    • how Helen Thomas has aged
  • Obama has to worry about aging and the economy
    • Stephen's daughter no longer asks for a pony, instead she's willing to settle for a bottle of glue
  • Dr. Colbert declares we need decisive action to prevent another Great Depression (deciding we need another World War)
  • the liberal media is lying to America about the end of the Cold War happening in the 1990's
    • Dr. Colbert knows this because he had to kill a Russian spy in his dressing room who did something to the reporter from Russian Vogue scheduled to interview The Good Doctor

Enemy #1 still Russia

  • Russia shut off a fuel pipeline to most of Europe, leaving most of them in the dark and cold
  • we must recreate the Berlin Airdrop, but with propane tanks

Next Commie menace: Cuba

  • Dr. Colbert's quasi-kinship with Cuba (they both believe The Cold War is still going on)
    • this may be due to there not being a new TV since 1958
  • Obama may end America's mutual distrust with Cuba
    • many have been calling for Obama to open up relations with Cuba
  • Dr. Colbert described the convoluted web between Cuba, JFK and the New York Times
    • when the mob used sugar cane money to pay Jack Ruby to disguise himself as Marilyn Monroe in order to seduce Castro leaving the real Marilyn Monroe to disguise herself as Howard Hughes and fly the Spruce Goose into JFK's motorcade!
  • Raoul Castro (known in Cuban teen magazines as "the cute one") offered to talk with Obama
  • Dr. Colbert recommends Gitmo for the site of their summit
    • lure of rum, mambo and spicy Latinas could prove to be irresistible, just as it is in the Cuban propaganda film, "Dirty Dancing II: Havana Nights"
    • its Cuban heat caused Dr. Colbert to try to convince the guy behind the counter to try to start a revolution against the popcorn machine!

Russia, again

  • if The Cold War is over, why does Stephen have three rolls of microfiche in his rectum
    • not tiny trout-like fish, which would be ridiculous to have hidden in one's rectum
  • Russian is simultaneously cutting ties with the West as it expanding ties to China
    • opened a Sino-Soviet hotline
  • one of Dr. Colbert's suggestions is to prank call China's president Hu Jinto until he refuses to answer his phone anymore
  • someone slipped the secret telephone number for "China Palace" to Dr. Colbert
    • he called and the sneaky Chinaman who answered saw right through the ruse, but not before Stephen proved the Chinese are taking orders from Russia
  • undeterred, Dr. Colbert suggested using the old American stand-by: starting a proxy war in Vietnam

Her Majesty's CuisineEdit

  • British are hit by a bad economy
  • guards at Buckingham Palace are getting second jobs as boom mikes
  • eating squirrels
    • if they wanted to eat something gamey and 90% bones they could just have eaten Amy Winehouse
  • to save their natvie Red squirrel, the British non-native gray squirrels
    • American squirrels
  • thought we lived in a post-racial world, where squirrels are judged not by the color of their fur, but by the contents of their nutsacks
  • webtube gives advice on how best to humanely kill them (Save Our Squirrels)
    • Dr. Colbert doesn't believe what they're advocating is very humane and uses as an example how Americans kill squirrels: on the inside (by making them water ski)
  • Dr. Colbert describes how the gray squirrel symbolizes America's greatness and the boundless optimism of the American people
    • lustrous bushy tail
    • powerful thighs
    • robust digging claws
    • deftly eating from the bird feeder of justice
    • cramming her regal cheeks with freedom acorns
  • the American gray squirrel ennobles every trashcan lid she gnaws through
    • Stephen's personal message to the squirrels:
      • stay out of his f*cking trashcan; he isn't running a goddamned squirrel motel
  • Nonetheless, Dr. Colbert reminds The Heroes that they deserve our respect and protection
    • there is a majestic squirrel reassembled from shotgun-liberated parts in The C-Desk
  • Americans won't stand idly by as the British invade our land with their:
  • Dr. Colbert demands that Americans exact revenge on the UK's Anti-American squirrelicide by eat animals they hold dear
    • Stephen suggests eat Sheepdogs (the British have no business mating their dogs with sheep; it's unnatural)


  • Niall Ferguson
  • wrote a book on the financial history of the world
    • what can Stephen learn from him that he can't learn from a guy with a question mark suit
  • what is money
    • all Stephen knows is that he has a lot of it
  • don't eat it, don't try to have sex with it either
  • money is
    • means of exchange
    • unit of account
    • relationship between creditor and debtor
  • if no one will lend money, it doesn't exist
  • invisible
    • hard to tell when someone steals it
  • credit comes from the latin " " which means "trust"
  • the Brits call ATM Machines "hole in the walls"
  • money doesn't represent gold
  • Jesus said money is the root of all evil
    • the love of money
  • cannot serve both God and money
  • love money a little less
    • religious revivals always follows financial crisis
  • it says "In God We Trust"
  • money depreciates in value
    • 13% what it was worth in the 1950's
  • can anything be money
    • Stephen can be money
  • Stephen has street cred with the kids because he did hard time
  • why is the show on PBS?
    • they don't know anything about money


  • Dr. Colbert closes by reminding The Heroes that that is all the time he has for this show, because it's the same amount of time every night for every show (yesterday's, tomorrow's, etc)
  • then he wished everyone a good night


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