The Colbert Report/Episode/496

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
January 12, 2009
Production code:
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  • Prez v. Press
"In his final press conference, President Bush admits to the biggest mistake of his presidency: holding press conferences!"
  • The Id & the Super-Eagle
"Then, an update on my eagle son, Stephen, Jr.! Would it hurt you to call your grandmother!?"
  • Bay Watch
"Plus, ACLU director Anthony Romero says we should close Guantanamo, Bay! Sounds like a good reason to send him there!"

Flag quote open clear2
Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on you again--I am shameless!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
January 12, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • Dr. Colbert will miss us when he's dead
  • last night was the Golden Globes
    • given out by the
    • three worst words in English language: Hollywood Foreign Press
  • many celebrities wore beige and taupe
    • i might not feel your pain, but my evening gown does
  • TGPE gave a press conference
    • like Olympics
      • every four years
      • China is going to win
  • it seemed like yesterday
  • won almost as many voters as he had executed
  • begin painful process of saying hello to "Goodbye"
  • drew a bubble bath
  • glass of win
  • toe wrapped around the cord of the TV perched on the edge of the tub
  • final fight on the press corps
  • TGPE couldn't win when it comes to connecting the dots
    • placemats
  • never finished the word search
  • media wants controversy
  • TGPE has never been afraid
  • TGPE very modest; left out unnecessary
  • by enemy he means the Constitution of the United States
  • picked the perfect time to get out of Washington
  • Deal or no Deal changed name to Meal or no Meal
  • biggest job loss since 1945
  • huge layoff expected in waterboarding sector
  • Obama thinks he can fix it
    • change we can believe in, if we can catch a break or two, no promises

Tonight's WordEdit

  • English study
    • burned by guy in a robe asking to have his sword pulled from his stone
  • Univer of Liverpool
    • compare men who did not shower
    • English women have no sense of smell
      • also find kidney pie edible
  • confidence is attractive (they never smelled the men, they only watched them on video tape)
  • wearing Axe is like huffing money
  • Axe should work on the economy
    • also a sponsor
  • sprayed with 5-star rating
  • debt must be attractive to Chinese
  • Dr. Colbert gives [[[The Mob]] a liberal manly spritzing of Axe Body Spray
    • confidence to get a loan
    • confidence to get a job
  • not how strong our economy is,
    • just as long as no one gets close enough to get a good whiff

Stephen JuniorEdit

  • intensely private person
  • Dr. Colbert has parenting issues with his son, Stephen Jr.
    • behaviorally speaking, eagles are not huggers
    • Stephen sometimes gets collect screeches
  • Stephen was spotted in the National Wildlife Refuge, located between Oregon and California
    • obviously a refuge from Ore, Cali
  • they have alot in common:
    • stands in tree, staring through a neighbor's window
  • compliment her on her food sack
    • works in any species
  • Stephen Jr. was spotted the day before Christmas
    • the raptor Santa Claus
  • not everyone
  • Jack Noller, photographer captured photos
    • wildlife paparazzi


  • Anthony Romero
    • director of ACLU, believes we should close Gitmo, as long as we reopen Abu Ghraib
  • is happy
    • in eight days the worst president for civil rights
  • his savior is coming
  • Barack H. Obama, the "H" stands for "HCLU"
  • has no idea what to do with all the people in Gitmo
  • wants to treat the terrorists like American criminals in American courts
  • likes the Supreme Court decisions regarding detainees and their "rights"
    • doesn't like that they picked TGPE
  • wants to hold torturers accountable
  • Obama says there will be no "looking back"
  • tries to find fault with Dr. Colbert
    • doesn't like Stephen's tie, exactly what a gay guy would do
  • if he doesn't close it in his first week, Obama owns it
  • in six months, the world will see GWB when they look at Obama


  • Dr. Colbert closes the show with a reminder that he has a lot more to say, but will allow The Heroes' eardrums to scab over


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