The Colbert Report/Episode/495

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
January 8, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit

  • Dr. Colbert thanks his Jewish friend for coming to his intervention and won't allow him to leave without getting help (he's blinded by his disease, which is killing Sharon)
  • Dr. Colbert confused him with Jon Mankewicz and decided he needed to stop drinking


  • Deus-Logue
"Does God speak directly to us!? I will tell you His answer!"
  • Utah-kin to Me?
"Then, I'm being attacked by a member of Congress! I've got to stop splashing myself in voter urine!"
  • Copywrong
"Plus, my guest Lawrence Lessig has written a book about how our copyright laws are outdated! I xeroxed his book, so you can all have a free copy!"

Flag quote open clear2
The hills are alive with the sound of WOLVES!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
January 8, 2009 The Colbert Report


  • Dr. Colbert begins the show bowing deeply as His Mob begins chanting USA! USA!
  • it's tough for Stephen
  • Inaugural Advent Calendar, is it Zoloft? (No, it's Paxil!)
  • Obama is killing Stephen, by living out all his fantasies
    • becoming president
    • pissing off DiFi
    • being the meat in a Bush sandwich
  • Stephen even looked for good news in the NYT
    • they've announced they are selling ad space on the front page
  • Speaking of which, Stephen could go for some Sierra Mist
    • it tastes Sponsor-y
  • a Pulitzer doesn't smell like 3-day old Krugman
  • no stories since Monday
  • will the Senate let Burris in
    • or keep him out!?
  • no stories since Monday
  • will the Senate let Burris in
    • or keep him out!?
  • Lego hair model- Rod Balgojevich
  • Dems want to keep the Senate an all-white club
    • because of racism
  • Dems want to keep the only black senator to themselves
    • because of racism

New FeatureEdit

  • Burris will be senator because the Lord put his hands on Blagojevich
    • his halo is obscured by his chinchilla brain cozy
  • Someone has to speak for God
    • it should be Stephen
  • Yahweh Or No Way
  • Is Roland Burris really God's chosen Senator
    • performs miracles any where he goes, a podium appears
  • Yahweh!
    • Balgo did talk to god, the FBI has the taped phone conversation
  • Pat Robertson
  • like an Magic 8-ball
    • yes
    • maybe
    • Blame the gays
  • Jim Cramer IS Jesus
  • No Way-- false idol
  • God would never endorse socialism
  • Neil Donald Walsh, author os "Passages from God"
    • posted a story on Beliefnet
  • God expresses exasperation
    • Oh, banana
      • never Oh, pumpkin (never takes the goard's name in vain)
  • also made Star Trek reference
  • Yahweh-- Walsh did not plagiarize
    • stole flood from Gilgamesh and burning Bush from Dick Cheney

Clearing The AirEdit

  • on "Good Morning Utah," he demanded a rematch
  • his legs cannot support a lady bug's torso
  • Dr. Colbert actually already won three of the three matches (only one was aired)
  • Stephen will Kronk (sp) their Yunkys (sp)
    • even their Dopler 5000 weather machine
  • entire KNX(sp) news team will eat it at 5,6,8,10 and 11


  • Lawrence Lessig
  • has written a book about how our copyright laws are outdated, which sounds to Stephen like a great idea for a book
  • a hybrid economy
    • a free-share economy (remixing) like flickr (the users do the work, flickr makes the money)
      • taking work and remixing it
  • totally failed war
    • for 10 years artists have gotten no money
    • businesses aren't making more money
    • kids are becoming criminals
  • Congress cannot do a thing about it
  • 24 laws in 10 years to deal this problem
  • wants Congress to focus on real issues
  • Stephen remade Lessig's book to give it more value if it were sold on eBay than what other copies could get on Amazon
  • Stephen warns the Heroes not to remix the interview to a dance mix
  • copyright is eternal
  • artistic socialism
  • the system works for Stephen


  • Dr. Colbert ends the show reading the book he remixed, declaring it a great book!
    • and by shouting "Go Gators!"


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