The Colbert Report/Episode/494

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
January 7, 2009
Production code:
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  • Classless Action
"Obama wants to make it easier for people to sue their employers for past abuse! Jon Stewart my "silence" about our workouts ends!"
  • The Times, They Are A Changin'
"Plus, the New York Times is running ads on the front page! And they've hired a new columnist, the Gorton's Fisherman!"
  • Che Anything
"And my guest is Benicio Del Toro, star of the movie "Che"! I'll ask him which t-shirt he's being doing a movie about next!"

Flag quote open clear2
It's the year of the Ox! Good, I was getting sick of eating rat!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
January 7, 2009 The Colbert Report

In AweEdit

  • The Good Doctor started the show with a healthy wiff of a felt-tipped pen
  • Dr. Colbert is in awe of himself
    • he prepared another great show, with no help from others
  • guest stars in a four-hour movie about the building of Shea stadium
    • recommends concrete-pouring scene
  • Dr. Colbert predicts his first question will be: "What?"

Obama's TransitionEdit

  • Dr. Colbert predicts the next 4 years will be a disaster
  • Richardson withdrew from Commerce Secretary nomination
    • Richardson will write a book, "A Fortnight in History"
  • DiFi was angry Panetta was chosen
  • could have asked Scooter Libby
  • probably pick for Surgeon General
    • Gupta has claimed he was approached
  • Dr. Colbert has also been approached
  • Stephen has never done a segment on dining on animal penises
    • CNN's landmark segment, "Penis in Peril"
  • behind the door of his Inaugural Advent Calendar: Xanax

Social ContractsEdit

  • "We need to update the social contract"
  • Dr. Colbert doesn't want to change it
    • rich
    • famous
    • has dental
  • Stephen had to fake his own death to get out of his contract with Good On Ya, an Australian cologne
  • Lilly Ledbetter
    • sued GM because she got paid less than her male colleagues, Supremes
  • Idaho has apartment buildings
  • free market decide when milk goes bad
  • trial lawyer's wet dream is the same as Jennifer Aniston's
  • What you didn't know didn't hurt you
  • across the street microwave keeps Stephen's chili from ever getting cold
  • blanket statute of limitations
    • anything that happened in the last 6 months didn't happen

Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger!Edit

  • Stephen's New Year's resolution: to be less judgmental (which is stupid)
  • Wag- China counterfeiters
    • Bike hemlet, catches fire when exposed to direct sunlight
  • Tip- EPA
    • $175 tax on every cow
  • Wag- Scientists studying addiction
    • all the missing bees are in the
  • Tip- this season's honey
    • it's amazing!
      • it makes you think like you're really thinking and want to dance, Snapple caps say it's the only food that never goes bad


  • Benicio Del Toro
    • is the star of the movie "Che" and his name means the good niece of the bull!
  • has an Oscar, but no Emmys
  • Che is a communist
    • anyone who goes to see the movie will go commie
  • Hollywood elite suck kids into loving communists
  • if Che wasn't as attractive as he was, he wouldn't have been as successful as a leader or as a t-shirt
  • he went to Cuba
    • he got permission from the federal government
  • he met Castro
    • didn't stroke his beard
  • also met Ronald Reagan and compared him to Castro
  • took 7 years to do research
    • studied history of an entire country
  • because Guevera was a socialist, people should get in for free
    • Del Toro might not have been paid for his role either
  • Stephen suggests putting product placement in the movie to make some money


  • Stephen wants to thank his guest Benicio Del Toro, star of the commie movie "Che"
  • the pro-commie epic starts this Friday (January 9, 2009)
    • Stephen just learned we all get to share in the profits!


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