The Colbert Report/Episode/493

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
January 6, 2009
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit

  • Dr. Colbert have not yet made his resolutions for the New Year
    • His Jewish Friend's resolution is to finally get rid of his gonorrhea
      • Stephen recommends a tincture of mercury


The second show of the New Year opened with the theme


  • the kind of ovation The Mob gave him is the sort of thing that turns Stephen on
  • holiday retail sales have plummeted
  • 100's of Americans who've lost their jobs

A Man Named BernieEdit

  • took care of his friends' fortunes
  • his business was a "big lie"
  • Lego's are also lies
  • more than a lie
    • history's largest Ponzi Scheme
      • confused with Fonzie scheme
  • NY Times economic reporter David Leonhardt
    • better to find out that gold is nothing rather than finding out that gold was a steaming pile of crap
  • regulation never helps
  • no one uncovered it, Bernie Madoff admitted it himself
    • we owe him a debt of gratitude
  • Bernie sent gifts out to his friends, family
    • to get rid of valuables
  • Hiding Gold
    • send me your gold!
    • 1-888-OOPS-JEWEL
      • endorsed by Dave Leonhardt of the New York Times!

Better Know A DistrictEdit

  • new congress
  • Rahm Emanual is not in Congress anymore
  • Nancy Pelosi wrote Stephen a personal letter
    • present the letter for one free frozen yogurt
  • 53rd installment
  • Utah 3rd

home to craggy weathered landmarks

Provo Provo freedom festival Brigam Young University

has the tabernacles to represent Utah's Third

youngest district average age is early 20's

  • most diverse district in Utah
    • Republicans and staunch Republicans
    • many Osmonds
    • pumping gas is not a metaphor for anything gay
  • new congressman
    • tips:

pick someone big, jack 'em into next week

    • you can't be made their biatch
  • opposes illegal immigration
    • open detention camps
  • dip Mexicans in florescent paint so we can see
    • fill Rio with acid
    • poison pinatas
  • "A" rating from NRA
  • Stephen introduces Sweetness to Jason
  • works out
  • challenges Stephen to leg wrestle
    • Stephen won


get rid of old ideas

  • wake up every morning huff chlorox

List of Dead Ideas

  1. schools are a local matter
  2. your company should take care of you
  3. higher taxes hurt the economy and they're always too high
  • Federal government has money is a dead idea
  • Viacom is a wonderful company
  • Obama will grade Stephen's kids science tests and check Stephen's gallbladder
  • Stephen opened the book and found the pages were blank
  • he whines about new ideas he didn't think about
  • only government can save businesses
  • only businesses can help liberalism
  • admits he is a lefty
  • radical centrists
    • Take no prisoners pussy


  • Stephen was just finishing up a call on the OOPS JEWEL line when The Report returned from break
    • before saying good night, Dr. Colbert took the time to thank all the people who make the show possible:
Flag quote open clear2
Thank you Stephen Colbert!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.
The Colbert Report, January 6, 2009

  • he graciously welcomed himself then said good night to The Heroes


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