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Production Info Edit
Date: January 5, 2009
Production code: 5001
The first show of the New Year opened with the theme
Big Changes For The New Year! Edit
Dr. Colbert began the show reminding America about the old drinking adage:
liquor before beer, never fear; beer before liquor never sicker
of course, Dr. Colbert followed offered an addition:
grain alcohol before egg nog wake up spooning with a seagull in a reservoir
Alan joined Stephen behind The C Desk on his own chair
Stephen had Alan read off a list of words and phrases which he would be allowed to say:
Right again, Stephen!
Brilliant insight, Stephen!
Hamburger, you're good!
Boom! Goes the dynamite!
They begin their first segment discussing Illinois governor and cranial muskrat smuggler, Rod Blagojevich's selection to replace Senator Barack Obama, who was elected president.
after an extensive and well-cited analysis regarding the imposing taint surrounding Blaogjevich, Dr. Colbert remarked that the current taint is the biggest taint since Michigan Senator, John Longcrotch
Dr. Colbert was able to discover Harry Reid's true intentions after hearing Brown Haired Guy Who's Not Steve Doocey explain the democrat's hidden racism
Democrats only elected Obama to the presidency in order to get him out of their all-white Senate
thus giving him a separate, but equal branch of government
More proof that the Democrats are racist: they are fighting to seat Al Franken
Dr. Colbert insisted that his liberal co-host explain how racist Democrats are using a scale that ranges from "Archie Bunker" to "The Klan"
Dr. Colbert doesn't know how many blacks Republicans have because he doesn't see race, but Harry Reid does
Reid doesn't want Burris to vote or own property
The hero of the whole story is Rod Blagojevich, whose civil right's leadership should be rewarded with his own holiday
Al Franken may be seated and Stephen is outraged because he doesn't think a comedian should be allowed to run for public office
Blagojevich's next appointment may be Carrot Top or Gallagher, who can use Palosi's gavel to squash watermelons, but not in the racist way like Colmes inferred
Alan tells Stephen he has read Tek Jansen and deduced that Stephen doesn't like books
Stephen tells him to put the book back on the shelf then he introduced the newest episode of Tek adventures.
Episode 3 of the New Tek Jansen Adventures
as Stephen goes to interview his guest, he tells Colmes to "stay"
White House Correspondent for CNN
new host for CNN's Sunday morning program at 9 a.m.
might call it The King Report
Stephen thanked him for getting Obama elected
King admitted he made mistakes on the run-up to the war
the buck should stop with Obama
it may have started with Bush, but it should stop with Obama
Presidents leave notes for each other
Bush's note for Obama may be a rebus
Dr. Colbert closes the show at The C Desk with Alan
talking about Bush's legacy tour and compares him to a 7-layer cake, the layers being:
brush clearing rancher
man of God
Alan interrupts to say that Stephen didn't mention 7 layers
Stephen continues, by naming the other layers:
graham cracker crust
Alan interrupts again, telling Stephen that he named 8 layers
Stephen fires Alan for interrupting him
Alan whines that he has a contract that says Stephen will have to pay him for 5 years
Stephen consents, writes the check
then Alan turns into a bat and flies away
Dr. Colbert invites everyone to watch tomorrow when the show will be:
The Colbert Report, Colmes-free Since 2009!
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