The Colbert Report/Episode/492

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Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
January 5, 2009
Production code:
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The first show of the New Year opened with the theme

Big Changes For The New Year!Edit

  • Dr. Colbert began the show reminding America about the old drinking adage:
    • liquor before beer, never fear; beer before liquor never sicker
  • of course, Dr. Colbert followed offered an addition:
    • grain alcohol before egg nog wake up spooning with a seagull in a reservoir
  • Alan joined Stephen behind The C Desk on his own chair
  • Stephen had Alan read off a list of words and phrases which he would be allowed to say:
    • Right again, Stephen!
    • Booyah!
    • Brilliant insight, Stephen!
    • Aw snap!
    • Hamburger, you're good!
    • Boom! Goes the dynamite!
  • They begin their first segment discussing Illinois governor and cranial muskrat smuggler, Rod Blagojevich's selection to replace Senator Barack Obama, who was elected president.
  • after an extensive and well-cited analysis regarding the imposing taint surrounding Blaogjevich, Dr. Colbert remarked that the current taint is the biggest taint since Michigan Senator, John Longcrotch
  • Dr. Colbert was able to discover Harry Reid's true intentions after hearing Brown Haired Guy Who's Not Steve Doocey explain the democrat's hidden racism
    • Democrats only elected Obama to the presidency in order to get him out of their all-white Senate
      • thus giving him a separate, but equal branch of government
  • More proof that the Democrats are racist: they are fighting to seat Al Franken
  • Dr. Colbert insisted that his liberal co-host explain how racist Democrats are using a scale that ranges from "Archie Bunker" to "The Klan"
  • Dr. Colbert doesn't know how many blacks Republicans have because he doesn't see race, but Harry Reid does
    • Reid doesn't want Burris to vote or own property
  • The hero of the whole story is Rod Blagojevich, whose civil right's leadership should be rewarded with his own holiday
  • Al Franken may be seated and Stephen is outraged because he doesn't think a comedian should be allowed to run for public office
    • Blagojevich's next appointment may be Carrot Top or Gallagher, who can use Palosi's gavel to squash watermelons, but not in the racist way like Colmes inferred


  • Alan tells Stephen he has read Tek Jansen and deduced that Stephen doesn't like books
  • Stephen tells him to put the book back on the shelf then he introduced the newest episode of Tek adventures.
  • Episode 3 of the New Tek Jansen Adventures
    • Venus Williams!


  • John King
  • as Stephen goes to interview his guest, he tells Colmes to "stay"
  • White House Correspondent for CNN
    • new host for CNN's Sunday morning program at 9 a.m.
      • might call it The King Report

Stephen suggests

  • On The John
  • Stephen thanked him for getting Obama elected
  • King admitted he made mistakes on the run-up to the war
    • Stephen didn't
  • the buck should stop with Obama
    • it may have started with Bush, but it should stop with Obama
  • Presidents leave notes for each other
    • Bush's note for Obama may be a rebus


  • Dr. Colbert closes the show at The C Desk with Alan
  • talking about Bush's legacy tour and compares him to a 7-layer cake, the layers being:
    • resolute
    • family man
    • brush clearing rancher
    • man of God
  • Alan interrupts to say that Stephen didn't mention 7 layers
  • Stephen continues, by naming the other layers:
    • Good athlete
    • chocolate
    • coconut
    • graham cracker crust
  • Alan interrupts again, telling Stephen that he named 8 layers
  • Stephen fires Alan for interrupting him
    • Alan whines that he has a contract that says Stephen will have to pay him for 5 years
  • Stephen consents, writes the check
    • then Alan turns into a bat and flies away
  • Dr. Colbert invites everyone to watch tomorrow when the show will be:
    • The Colbert Report, Colmes-free Since 2009!


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