The Black Death

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After a thorough examination, Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.
has diagnosed you as suffering from a case of
The Black Death
Croatia pope
To achieve the proper education,
"The Black Death"
provides All The History You Need To Know.
Hello, Kitty
Hello, The Black Death
Asian and very good at math.

The Black Death was a 14th Century version of The AIDS. It affected over two thirds, and killed perhaps as much as 50% of the population of Europe. Most of those affected were homosexuals, Protestants, or Suriphiliacs. Like the modern day plague of communism, The Black Death (or bubonic plague) originated from Russia in 1347, and spread throughout Europe.

This is the only way to catch the plague.
(Photo courtesy of the Jewish Anti-Defamation League)



Official Logo of the Blame Rat Firsters.


The Jew (as seen above) is often blamed for the Black Death.

"Blame Rat Firsters" will tell you that The Black Death was spread through the bite of the common black rat (Rattus rattus). To their credit, this theory does make sense to the gut. Rats have sharp, yellow teeth perfect for nibbling on human flesh. Another theory popular with people at the time (and among many today, except with the BRF crowd) clears the black rat of wrong doing. These people insist that it was not the rat, but rather it was the common Jew (Cheatis Scapegoatus) who spread the plague throughout Europe.

Normally Stephen would frown upon any racist stereotypes made against a group of people (even thought they deny the existence of Jesus), but this theory may have some merit. As you know, half of the population of Iceland was killed by the plague, even though the rat was not introduced to Iceland until 1852 (aboard the Wet Dream 2). In contrast, the Jew has been common all over the world since the 6th century BC.

Symptoms And TreatmentEdit

Dying of the Black Death is probably one of the least enjoyable things one could do. It is on par with listening to John Kerry read The New Oxford Dictionary, or seeing Hillary Clinton naked.


Like all things Russian, The Black Death was not very pleasant. Once a person was bitten by a rat, they had 4-5 days to live before they died. But before they did, one went a series of maladies demonstrating God's anger with them.


If all plague doctors had bird brains like this one, it isn't any wonder why so many died. At least they dressed well.

Day 1: Person bitten by rat, otherwise no symptoms.
Day 2: Headache, Diarrhea, and fever set in.
Day 3: Rock hard lumps called "bubos" appear in the groin area. These should always be lanced, and the fluid should be drunk.
Day 4: Dark purple hemorrhaging blotches on skin called "God's tokens" appear. They let one know that not only are they about to die, but also that they are going to hell.
Day 5: The main symptom of day 5 is death. That and the projectile vomiting.


Despite the mass burning of Jews, there were relatively few ways of combating the great pestilence. One successful method was trusting the gut. To cure themselves of plague, the 14th Century gut lead people to do the following:

  • bathing in urine and RC cola... URINE! EWW.
  • dressing in excrement caked clothing
  • placing dead animals in the home
  • draining blood with leeches
  • drinking molten gold, or eating crushed emeralds
  • biting the rats before they bite you...this will showcase your survivability


As mentioned above, the burning of Jews was seen by many as a preventative measure to contracting the plague. For the less amount of Jews around, the less chance one will have of their well being poisoned.

As for the Blame Rat Firster crowd, they will tell you ridiculous things such as proper sanitation, and washing one's clothing would prevent the plague. Furthermore, they say that these two things are somehow are supposed to magically keep rats from biting you. If anything, keeping your clothes clean, and your skin clear from and excrement, would only encourage the rats to bite.

The Outbreak In EuropeEdit

The black death came sprinting out of Russia and invaded the soft underbelly of Europe (Italy and France). It then conquered the remaining countries, before retreating back into Asia. It left 58 trillion people dead in its wake.

The Cleansing Of EuropeEdit

Europe pre-1357 was a mostly Godless continent. There were, however, pagans, Jews, and even Lutherans.

The pestilence began December of 1347 in the Russian city of Caffa a.k.a. "Plaguesgrad". Tartar-Muslim sailors brought the plague from this city to France. Within a few days, the French had "surrendered" to the disease. Next up was the Italians. They must have had delicious ankles, for the rats seemed to bite the Italians with a higher frequency than the French.

By December of 1348, the rats in France grew sick of the French, and decided to go to England. The rats had set their sights on the flesh of the British. Seemingly over night the rats swam across the English Channel (check your local listings).

Soon in all parts of Europe (except for The Vatican), people were dying of plague. By 1951, the plague had retreated to Russia from where it had come. For at this time God's anger with the idolaters was substantially quenched. Those who had survived were Members of the True Faith, and would never be harmed by the plague ever again. God also granted a special gift to the faithful as seen below.


All the flagellants apparently had mullets.

25px-DramaticExclamationPoi All You Need To Know...

Flagellantism was condemned by the Catholic church as heretical.

The FlagellantsEdit

The Flagellants were a group of people who enjoyed going from town to town whipping themselves to exhaustion, or even death. It is also reported that they were also sado-masochistic, and consequently, gay.

The main motivation for the flagellants' self-mortification was not penitence as is often incorrectly believed, but rather because of their sick, twisted, homosexual minds. Flagellants loved S&M, so much so that they went from city to city showing off their self-harming fetish to anyone who would watch.

Being gay, flagellants loved to dance. They created the the 1350's dance craze "Dancing Mania" to supplement their urge. In this dance the afflicted would move about, and writhe on the ground until exhaustion set in, and they collapsed. Naturally, the fad soon caught on in France.

Recent OutbreaksEdit

In July of 2009, Pneumonic plague broke out in the recently renamed city of Ziketan in China. The city's former name was "Kiketan", but was renamed in honor of the efforts to remove/eliminate all remnants of the source of this outbreak.

The Black Death And The AIDSEdit

Like The AIDS of today, righteous Christians of the 14th century were immune to the Black Death. It is thought to be due to their incredible faith, scientists have now uncovered the truth that this is indeed the case.

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