Attention All Americans™!
It's time to join The Baby Jesus and Santa Claus
on the right side of The War On Christmas!!!

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Santa bear

Santa Claus is really just a bear in disguise!

For eons, children have loved Christmas, Christians have loved Christmas, but none know the truth about Santa Claus.

History Edit

The Baby Jesus was born on 25 December 0 B.C. in a manger[1]. The Baby Jesus was in danger because he was in a manger, and the shepard wanted to eat him! So the three wise men came to save the day and turned the Baby Jesus into what we know and love today! Americans have chosen Santa Claus to represent all of their holiday spirit, and to be the wonderful person to bring them all of the gifts that they are too cheap to buy themselves.

The Fictional Santa Claus Edit

The fictitious Santa Claus is a wonderful fat and happy man. He can be noted in several ways:

  • Fat
  • Jolly
  • Old
  • Not Sexy
  • Has 12 Reindeer
  • Bestiosexual

The Real Santa Claus Edit

Santa Claus is really a polar bear in disguise. Therefore by the transitive property of equality Santa is a godless killing machine. "Santa Claus" loves delivering bombs to children in third world countries. Americans never receive bombs because "Santa Claus" knows that a strike against America would be sheer folly. Just look at what happened to Al Qaeda. The deer pulling his sleigh are not trying to help him deliver these bombs, they are just trying to get as far away from him as possible, however Santa has made their reins out of a space age material originally developed by NASA. Santa Claus is the one who supplies weapons to America's enemies. Santa Claus is an enemy of America and is just waiting until an inept female is president to make his move and conquer America.

What You Can Do To Fix Christmas Edit

  • Non-procreative sex makes the Baby Jesus sad. Give the gift of giving this holiday season and not have sex.
  • Eat lots of food. Americans love being fat and happy. They'll need lots of food to forget about all the sex they are not having.
  • Find a baby on the street and claim that he is the Baby Jesus because he doesn't have any parents! Therefore he must be the love child of God and the Baby Jesus!
  • Kill Santa. He is a godless killing machine after all!


  1. Manger is the French verb meaning "to eat"

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