ATTENTION: This Page is for Real Americans™ ONLY
If you are not a Real American™, pack your bags and report to GITMO.
U R Here
is a Recognized State of the United States of America.
All the geography American schoolkids Need To Know.

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Hey Ma!
Pack your banjo and chewin' t'backer, we fixin' to enjoy us some

Capital: Crawford
State Flower: Freedom
Official Language: Texan-American
State Bird: Flagle
State Motto: How bout them Cowboys?
Nickname: Texas don't need no pretty names
Eternal Leader: Jesus
Governor: Kinky Friedman
State Anthem: "Dare to Be Stupid" by "Weird Al" Yankovic
Population: 22.8 million
Standard MPH: Trucks/SUVs: 80mph
Passenger Vehilces: 15mph
Principal imports: Mexicans and Erections
Principal exports: Football talent, steers, and queers.
Principal industries: Democracy, Grilling Beef, Munitions
Fun Fact # 1: Birthplace of George W. Bush, George H.W. Bush
Fun Fact # 2: Owns the record for most adult Mexicans in a Geo Metro at one time (29).*
  • This record is disputed by Arizona. The controversy is over what age should be considered adulthood for Mexicans; typical U.S. law standard (18) or the age at which most female Mexican get pregnant (12).
Fun Fact # 3: Allows extended naps to more inmates than any other state!

Taxes is a state in both the West and South regions of the United States of America. It is also considered part of the Southwest and the Great Plains. If you look at a map of America like it is a person's body, Texas is right down there in the ball sack. With an area of 268,581 square miles and has a population of 22.8 quadrillion, Texas is second to Alaska in area and second to California in population, but has more balls than both of them combined.

The state name derives from a word in the Caddoan language of the Hasinai: táysha, tecas, or tejas (the Spanish spelling); literally translated to mean "Mexico's America, but better."

Texas is commonly referred to as "The greatest place on earth." It is envied by everyone. Every state and every nation wishes it were Texas. Every person wishes to live in Texas and become Texan.

Texas is also the home and birthplace of George W. Bush, the founder of modern democracy. Other famous people from Texas include J.R. Ewing, Kurt Cobain, Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain), Paris Hilton, Victor, Roxanne, Monisa, Stephanie, Kristian, Elias, Jaron, Tripp and Jesus Christ.

Texas should really be in Mexico, but it remains part of the U.S. just so the Union won't throw a bitch fit. As the great Sam Houston said, regarding Texas joining the union, "Texas could get along without the United States, but the United States cannot, except with great hazard, exist without Texas."



It was originally part of Mexico but they let Americans come and settle. The settlers realized that Mexico was much worse than America so they rebelled. The Mexicans had to greatly outnumber the Texans at the Alamo in order for them to take it. This really pissed off the Texans and they defeated the Mexicans quickly led by a 50 foot tall statue of Sam Houston. After the war Texas decided that they should join America because that's what all the cool countries do. Texas then convinced America to invade Mexico which gave America its western states. Texas was apart of the Confederates but that was when the cows (an ally of the bears) outnumbered the Texans and voted to join the rebels. The Texans took revenge by building countless numbers of BBQ joints and steak houses. Some overly egocentric northeasterners mistakenly believe the Alamo was mainly about slavery. Wrong war, kiddos!

Texas is very proud of their colorful history and therefore spreads the knowledge of this amazing state in middle school classrooms everywhere, unlike those inferior puritanical states such as Texas. We've got nothing down here. (No we do not have any balls either.) We are jealous idiots and that's all there is to Texas. Hope you learned something kids!

Achieving StatehoodEdit

Texas did not achieve statehood, statehood achieved Texas. DAMN STRAIGHT!!!

Texas TodayEdit

Famous TV star is Hank Hill - where he works as a propane and propane accesory salesman

Famous native Texan Stephanie is known for her southern hospitality - one can be sure to feel right at home with some of this southern belle's delightful cookies, and if that doesn't do it for ya well be sure to ask for the drink of the day. Discover why we're all just so nice down here (cough we're all drunk cough).

If small towns and tall tales are more your thing be sure to stop by the fabled land of Pecos and give resident country crooner Kristian a ring.

Houston, We Have A Solution - Andy Cobb

Houston, We Have A Solution - Andy Cobb

The Department of Tourism has released this new video for Texas when it secedes becomes independent

The Republic of TexasEdit

On August 29, 2009 Texas has declared secession Independence from the mooslim government.

Texas EducationEdit

Flag quote open clear2
For centuries, we had a perfectly good explanation for the order of the universe. Bible says, the sun goes around the earth, making us the center of the universe. and everyone was happy. Then, numbnuts over here gets a telescope for Christmas, uses his precious critical thinking skills, and blah, blah, blah, now we have lesbians.
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
July 18, 2012.

Texas’ Patriotic Museum

Creationism in ClassEdit

Texans are devout Christains, and believe that the wisdom of the Baby Jesus should be taught in class EVERY SINGLE DAY. Suck it, Taxachusetts.

Christian Education in the ClassroomEdit

Texans get four classes a day, plus BBQ lunch.

Class 1. How to idenify and shoot a mexican

Class 2. How to watch football

Lunch-Fried Mexicans and BBQ'ed BBQ

Class 3. How to gaze in awe at the awesomness of The Greatest President Ever

Class 4. How to use correct grammar.


Jesus' MathEdit

5 + 2 = Any number you want

Slavery Never ExistedEdit

The Will of the Free Marked Needed cheap labor so Real Americans went to Africa to get that free labor. We gave the black people free luxury cruise rides to America, free boarding and meals, and we even gave them Jesus so they could go to Heaven with us as our servants, and how they repay us? They Created the NAACP and became Welfare Queens by demanding Civil Rights, which is code word for Affirmative Action! It was never the intention of plantation owners and the Cotton Industry to enslave other people hire foreigners if they have known that many Real Americans were willing to take those jubs. It was an accidental mistake!

The Civil War: The War Against Slavery State RightsEdit

That's right folks, the people from the NAACP are at it again with their libural agenda and reverse racism! The Real Reason Lincoln went to war with Real Americans was because he was a tyrannical hippie who wanted to liberate the black people to give them the vote oppress good folks like Southerner Christians

Civil RightsEdit

Two Words: Affirmative Action, just another form of Reverse Racism!

New History BookEdit

Texas has approved their new history books, with none of that bias liberal facts!

Texas Defeats Socialized Medicine: No More Medicaid!Edit

News that Texan Republicans will outlaw Socialized Medicine came as welcoming news to Tea Baggers. The abolishment of Medicaid will help Texas to save a ton of money while the free market can take care of Texans' health for the low low low price of an arm and a leg. Cheap!

Many Republicans are already suggesting eliminating Social Security other entitlement programs to stimulate the economy.

Texas LandmarksEdit

  • Cowboys Stadium (that billion dollar one)
  • the alamo but i forgot about what happened there, but it has a great basement. Ask to see it the next time you're there
  • cowboys! every one in texas is a cowboy! complete with boots, six-shooters, and horses.
  • Steers vs. Queers exhibit
  • the city of Frankford: one of the few cities in Merka that is trapped under Sharia Law

Famous TexansEdit


Possible Texan proclaiming the famous Texas online slogan

Being the most famous state in the union, Texas would then, of course, be the birth place of many famous persons. Probably the most famous among the Texans would be the Lord almighty himself. Yes, God is a proud Redneck and if you have any doubts what so ever of the validity of this statement, you need to ask yourself why you hate America so much. The B-list celebrities from Texas (B-list compared to God...duh!) includes everyone who you have ever seen on television with the exception of Micha Barton, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and the Koolaid Man. Those are Californian screwups. And as you know, Texans make no mistakes, except for the time the Dallas Cowboys lost to the San Diego Chargers.

A Typical Day in TexasEdit

wake up, wake the kids, send the kids to school on their horses shoot a Mexican hipster, kill some bandits who are trying to steal your steers, ride to town on your horse, eat BBQ, shoot more hipsters, watch walker texas ranger, eat lunch, watch cowboys game,shoot the bandits who try to steal your steers, execute someone, pick kids up from school, eat BBq for dinner, go to dance hall square dancing (Texans do the Texas two step, they don't squaredance), shoot a hippy, watch the colbert report, shoot something, take a bath in oil, and go to bed. (For some reason it is assumed that Texans shoot Mexicans, rather than socialists or hipsters, but that's a myth perpetuated by northeastern hipsters who haven't learned how to look up ethnicity rates in the U.S. Census website. More Texans have Mexican ancentry, than any other state, after all). 

now repeat.

Funny Texas LawsEdit

  • If it's bigger, its better. (Passed by state legislature in 1950)
  • The number of country songs which mention Texas must outnumber the ones that don't or state taxes will double. (Passed in 1999)
  • Football is king. (1980)
  • Talking slower allows you to drive 5 miles above the speed limit. (1965)
  • Truck nuts are mandatory on all diesel trucks. (1999)
  • All illegal Mexicans are required to wear a sombrero in public. (1989)
  • Chuck Norris's hands and feet are allowed near the President only if they are clearing brush.


Threat Level: RED

  • The Texas Government has declare of Christian Emergency, we have reports that the joos are trying to infiltrate our government to destroy it. It is nothing against the joos, is just that everyone knows that joowish people are not Real Americans therefore they cant do a good job to represent our Christian Nation.

See AlsoEdit

External LinksEdit


Everything is bigger in Texas, including the size of the picture of the Texas flag