Abandon Truthiness All Ye Who Enter This Internets Tube!
discusses one of the Liberal's Magical Machines.

A telescope is a device that gives the user the illusion of "seeing into outer space." Since only angels live beyond the clouds, what the telescope addicts (called "astronomers") are actually seeing are hallucinations.


A telescope


A telescope is basically a phallic tube with glass lenses arranged in such a way as to administer a liberal dose of psychotropic drugs to the user thus tricking them into believing they can see stars, other planets, comets and space ships in the tails of comets.

The most hardcore amateur astronomers will make a telescope out of anything as long as there is a glass lens at both ends, and a layer of drugs applied at the eyepiece end much in the same manner Satanists put salt on the rim of their Margarita glasses.

Some telescopes contain a reservoir for water.

How To Use A TelescopeEdit

Telescope usage occurs after during dark, like most crimes. A club of users gather together on a hillside[1] One end of the device is pointed toward the The Heavens to better insult The Baby Jesus and His Heavenly Father and the user's eye is dipped into the other end, the one with the drugs on it. All astronomers present will partake in views as the device is passed around.

Dangers Of Modern Telescope AddictionEdit

Since God and prayer was removed from schools, America's children have been lured into the orgiastic den of science. With nothing to protect them from the toxins of learning, churches have been reporting an increase in knowledge and telescope use.

The worst reports are coming from Alaska, where telescope addiction is at record levels. Officials believe this is due to Alaska's proximity to the top of America's Planet, making it closer to the fictional "celestial bodies" of scientific myth.

Famous People Who Became Addicted To TelescopesEdit

Things Telescope Addicts Claim To See While Under The InfluenceEdit

  • things far away
  • their unclothed neighbors
  • stars
  • galaxies
  • nude beaches
  • other, non-Christian planets

Artistic Representations Of Hallucinations "Seen" By AstronomersEdit

How Astronomers Celebrate ChristmasEdit



External TubesEdit


  1. Stonehenge is believed to be an ancient druid site where astronomers would initiate new users.
is science-related, sending it straight to hell.

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