Senator Tedward "Ted" Murfreesboro Kennedy, D.A.T.T. was a United States Senator from Taxachusetts, the gayest state in America. He wa often referred to by fellow Democrats as the "bloated manatee" of the Senate, as they do not suspect that Teddy was actually a member of an alien bear race.
Teddy was technically never born. His adopted parents, Zanzibar and Winifred M. Kennedy (the patriarch and matriarch of the acursed Kennedy Family) found him on their doorstep after Teddy had been beamed down from an alien spaceship from Bearpiter, a far away planet inhabited by star-eating alien bears who can take on human form. Already with 25 sons and daughters, including little John and Robert, Zanzibar and Winifred figured there was always room for one more and immediately adopted Teddy. Teddy, also known as Mantits, is an evil menace that lives to serve one purpose; to get drunk and have sex with strange women.
The Cause of Teddy's DrunkennessEdit
Unbenownst to the inhabitants of Bearpiter, breathing the rich, freedom-loving air of America causes them to undergo some sort of metamorphisized chain reaction which attempts to disrupt their ability to take on human form. The only way to combat this effect is to continuously consume alcohol, which Teddy has been doing ever since he arrived on Earth. Since his adopted family, the Kennedys, are Irish, people assumed this was pretty much normal behavior.
The Effect of Teddy's DrunkennessEdit
Unfortunately, this propensity for consuming adult liquids has caused Ted, and others who are partially of the Bearpiter race (in particular, his son, Congressman Patrick M. Kennedy, D.A.T.T., who is a half-Bearpiter-ite) to become extremely poor automobile operators and poor decision makers.
This not only lead to the famous Chappaquiddick incident, which earned Kennedy the endearing nickname "The Swimmer," the poor-decision-making has also caused Ted to be 100% wrong on every political issue in the history of mankind. However, this may a good thing for him as a Bearpiter-ite, since it places him on the side of communists, liberals, and bears, which was the original intent of the Supreme Ruler of the Bearpiter Interstellar Alliance , who sent Teddy to Earth in the hope that he would become our planet's ruler, and would unite all Earth-born bears in the hope that Earth would then ally with the Bearpiter Interstellar Alliance in its quest to rule all of the galaxy, and then, the Universe.
Unfortunately for the Bearpiter Interstellar Alliance (and fortunately for all of us who love freedom), they did not anticipate that the rich, freedom loving air of America would have the effect it has on Bearpiter-ites, nor did they anticipate the mass quantity of alcohol required to prevent it. As a result, Ted Kennedy is unable to become Ruler of Earth (or, as the title is more popularly known, President of the United States), and the Supreme Ruler of the Bearpiter Interstellar Alliance has called off any plans to change the course of human events on Earth and will keep away from the Earth's Solar System as the interstellar forces of Bearpiter continue to roam the galaxy, subversively conquering everything in its path and eating whatever stars they encounter.
A Full List Of Tedward's CrimesEdit
Teddy Lives the Good DeathEdit
Fortunately for Ted Kennedy, his allies, the indigenous bears of Earth have found him a comfortable job as a United States Senator in Taxachusetts, where he is supplied with all the alcohol he needs. He is considered to be deceased while technically still alive, since he has been dead inside since roughly the late 1970s.
As for all the 25 human brothers and sisters in Teddy's adopted family, they were all shot in the melon. But that doesn't have anything to do with Teddy. The popular theory on why Teddy has not been shot in the melon like all of the other Kennedys is that Bearpiter-ites cannot be killed by conventional weapons.
Eunice Kennedy ShriverEdit
On August 11, 2009 Eunice Kennedy Shriver was abducted by Aliens. Eunice by famous by rigging the special Olympics and making tons of money.
Ted Kennedy Alien Bear Finally CapturedEdit
The Alien Bear known as Ted Kennedy was finally captured and dissected by scientists in August 25, 2009.
Before his days as the Senor Citizen of Congress, Ted "Beer Me" Kennedy was probably the worlds best Beer Pong player. He was famous for his move known as "Dyke Bridge", where pounded the ball to the bottom of the mug and left it there
Do not also seeEdit
- ↑ Drunk All The Time