Al Franken
Ted Turner has earned
"Ted Turner"
is an Official "Lover of Immoral Bears" (LiB) Site™

Ted Turner on Montana ranch with man-eating buffaloes

Mr Turner was born in Cincinnati, Ohio and moved to Georgia but, because he spent so much time on gaylamofascist boats, Turner became a liberal scumbag along the way.

For some reason, all peaches from Georgia taste like his assEpisode #331. Don't believe that? Go eat a Georgia peach and find out. Then taste his ass and see how similar the two are. Shocking.

He became a media mogul after the suspicious and convenient death of his father.

Turner was once married to Jane Fonda. 'nuff said about his mental state.[1]

Media mogalityEdit

Stephen Colbert is a fucking liberal fascist who jerks off to photos of naked little boys being tortured....

Prior to that, Turner claimed to have developed what he called the "superstation" concept which broadcast Atlanta Braves baseball games and old movies. He called WTBS "super" because it used dangerously high levels of radiation produced by multiple nuclear reactors to push the signal out to way more people than would usually see it. Unfortunately, anyone who switched to the station on a TV would be subjected to massive doses of radiation. It killed some of them instantly and caused dangerous tumors and liberal thoughts in others. He used mind-control signals from the station to help get Bill Clinton "elected".

Turner bought all of the old movies and cartoons in the world to give his TV stations something to show when Law & Order wasn't on the schedule. He was criticized for doing something to those movies called "colorizing". This apparently involved using computer techniques to put "people of color" into the old movies. This is not something that Dr Colbert can see because he is blind to color.

He built a base for this news station in Atlanta called the CNN Center. It's basically just a hotel with a food court. They give tours there and make what they do sound more interesting then it really is.

Ted Turner goes on a rampage!

Ted Turner's evil planEdit


Although complete details of the evil plan have not been released, the Department of Homeland Security revealed a partially-declassified and heavily redacted memo exclusively to the Wikiality titled Turner Plans Attack on US. The memo, which was filed away in an important filing cabinet in the sub-basement of the HomeSec offices, includes a map showing the frightening extent to which Turner has already infiltrated God's Country.

HomeSec Secretary Michael Chertoff A top administration official who requested anonymity insisted in an off-the-record interview with the Report that "we're on top of this." He The official revealed that Michael Brown was rehired to oversee plans to fight what he the official called "this emerging threat."

Chertoff said The official emphasized that Brownie is once again doing a "heck of a job."

"We're really proud of him," Chertoff the source said.

Turner CurtainEdit

After Turner sold his television properties to fellow liberal scumbags at TimeWarner, he bought the states of Montana, Colorado, Kansas, Nebraska, New Mexico, Oklahoma, and South Dakota. These states form what HomeSec calls the Turner Curtain that splits the country into two sections.

North Dakota and Wyoming are fighting hostile takeovers by Turner in anti-trust cases filed with the Justice Department, but come on... We're talking North Dakota and Wyoming here. Most observers believe that the anti-trust cases would have been summarily tossed or ignored (like most of them are) if Dick Cheney hadn't intervened on behalf of his native Wyoming.

Turner grows massive thundering herds of man-eating buffalo on his ranches in those states. The so-called "bison" are trained to be Godless killing machines, almost as bad as their close cousin, the bear.

Montana Grill (Staging areas)Edit

Turner is now filling the country with restaurants called "Ted's Montana Grill". Turner calls these places "green" restaurants. Don't be fooled. That's just a code word for the true nefarious purpose of these establishments.

Green is the color used on most maps to represent the states that form the "Turner Curtain" (see above). He calls the restaurants "green" because the restaurants will be used as staging grounds for Turner's reported plan to stampede murderous herds of bison through all red states.

Intelligence from the DHS Assistant Secretary, Office of Revelation and Exegesis (Chief Intelligence Officer) indicates that Turner will move huge trucks filled with bison from his "ranches" to the vast parking lots at these cafes. From there, the thundering herds will be released to wreak havoc on unsuspecting Real Americans in the red states.

buffalo will rule the world

Plan delayedEdit

According to the DHS threat assessment, Turner had planned to let his thundering herds loose upon God's Country in massive stampedes if Democrats ever gain control of Congress. He was convinced to delay the plan after Nancy Pelosi called him on election night.

"They're cowed, now," Pelosi argued. "We gave them a thumping, so we don't need to stampede them at this time." (Pelosi carefully pronounced the "g" on thumping and then let loose with her devilish chuckle.)

Even though Real Americans dodged a bullet on election night, The Turner Plan was not abandoned, according to the DHS Office of Revelation. DHS advises Americans to watch for big trucks filled with angry buffalo. Report any sightings to the Department of Homeland Security so they can set up their remote camera feeds and then join your neighbors for a prayer circle.

Ted Finds God?Edit

At the age of 69 Evil Ted seems to have devloped a soft spot for Lutherans and Methodists. [2]

External linksEdit

Hey Ted, should keep the article
"Ted Turner"?
"NO! It just clogs up the tubes of The Internets!"