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Techno Ted Stevens AKA Old Yeller (November 18, 1635-August 10, 2010) was a patriotic United States Senator from Alaska. He was the longest serving Republican in the Senate and, because of this, was the president pro tempore until Democrats took over in 2007. In the event of death to both President Bush and Vice President Cheney, as well as Speaker Hastert, Senator Stevens could have assumed the Presidency, doling out patriotism like an errant vending machine. That is a comforting image.
Unfortunately, the Democrats made ancient West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd President Pro Tem. Byrd died in June 2010 which resulted in Daniel Inouye taking the job. Now, in the event of death to the President and Vice President, as well as the Worst Speaker of the House - Ever, Senator Inouye would assume the presidency, doling out taxes and quoting from his hip-pocket copy of the Constitution like an errant vending machine. This is not a comforting image.
Techno Ted was best known as the father of the tubes.
A True AmericanEdit
The Early YearsEdit
Ted Stevens was hatched from his egg on an apple pie farm in rural Indiana. Shortly thereafter he sprouted legs. The son of
gay cowboy astronauts, Ted was instilled with a strong work ethic and great pride as a young boy. These attributes helped Ted become a successful member of the Flying Tigers air fighter unit in World War II. After the war ended, Ted attended college at UCLA and law school at Harvard. Growing bored with all the contiguousness of the 48 states, Ted moved to the territory of Alaska in the early 1950s.
In Alaska, Ted parlayed his successful law practice into a political career, first serving as counsel to the Secretary of the Interior, then as a U.S. Representative, and ultimately as a Senator. He was also an active member of the Nazi party.
In the SenateEdit
As a Senator, Stevens helped to popularize the idea that the internets are not, as previously thought, a big truck or something you just dump something on, but actually a series of tubes. Since he published his thesis, many Americans have sent him internets thanking him. Unfortunately, Senator Stevens did not receive many of them until just yesterday because the tubes were clogged with movies.
Like many patriotic Americans, Senator Stevens is concerned that sensitive information may accidentally fall into the hands of terrorists and/or average Americans. In a valiant effort to thwart the terrorists, Senator Stevens has opposed the Federal Funding and Accountability and Transparency Act of 2006. This Act would allow the public (and the terrorists!) to review the distribution of every federal grant, contract, or award exceeding $25,000. Senator Stevens is so dedicated to this "safe-guarding" of knowledge, that even his opposition is a secret.
On September 1, 2006, Senator Stevens' son, Ben, demonstrated his solidarity in this endeavor by voluntarily handing over 12 boxes of important documents to FBI officials. This selfless act ensures that these documents will be kept out of the reach of harmful, hate-filled, sticky-fingered people like you! The Liberal Media will inevitably suggest that these documents are linked to secretive business dealings between lawmakers and oil field services companies. Hogwash!
Ted's Shining HourEdit
When lawmakers proposed a bill that would have taken funds allocated for Alaska and redirected them to assist in Louisiana repairs in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, Senator Stevens responded "my answer is no, NO!" and threatened to resign.
The Colbert Report supported Senator Stevens and encouraged him to up the ante, advocating for the secession of the State of Alaska if Senator Stevens' patriotic demands were not mett. Alaska boasts the highest bear per capita ratio in the United States (note: this fact is unconfirmed, but feels true). Thus, the separation of Alaska from the rest of the United States would conceivably reduce bear-American conflicts.
No matter how much it may appear that Senator Stevens needs help, do not attempt to pin anything to his lapel. Failure to adhere to this simple directive will result the Senator becoming irritable and incoherent. His wife does not want to have to deal with that!
Good boy, you make your old man proud!
Stevens, along with several other people, died in a plane crash on August 10, 2010 in Alaska. They claim it was caused by a malfunction with the plane's connection to the internet tubes. Some people directly connected to his tubes at the time say the plane had been shot down by evil jihadist bears who hate American tube freedom.
Most Touching Quote Edit
Senator Stevens: Kicked right in the Internets Edit
Apparently Ted Stevens' website was recently hacked. During the period when internets hackers had their way with Senator Stevens' website, after being prompted to create a username and password, a message would appear informing the user that he or she was a possible Alien interloper who lacked the ability to type correctly.
Its been long disputed what the internet is. When Ted Stevens invented the internet in 1915, he was unsure if people would be able to comprehend what such a thing was made of, which is a series of tubes. Years later though, he said at a session in congress (see: In The Senate section above) debating the Net Neutrality Bill, "The internet is not something that you just dump something on, it's not a big truck, it's a series of tubes" which put and end to all debate of what the internet was made of when it was discovered that he was the one who invented the internet.
Since its invention many people have used Ted's Tubes even Ted himself!
Spending More Time Away From His JobEdit
In 2008, Senator Stevens decided he had enough of Washington and entered into a special retirement program.
Raptured to Fix God's Series of TubesEdit
In 2010, Ted Stevens was called by Jesus to take a business trip to Heaven. God's computer suffered a crash and He could not get access to the Series of Tubes to get His "Naughty" files (His Tubes are mostly filled with naughty girls who have deviated from the path of salvation). God needs those files, who else will save those poor sinner?
With Stevens' help God will be able to have his tubes back as soon as Steven is done with fishing in Heaven.
Ghost of Ted Stevens Throws Support for Lisa MurkowskiEdit
The Gost of Ted Stevens decided to come to Earth and throw his support for Lisa Murkowski.