Ted Haggard

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Ted Haggard
is an American Man of God!!!
Despite what you may have heard
Ted Haggard
Is totally not gay!
Ted Haggard
is a Truthiness Crusader!
Ted Haggard

The Right, Straight, un-Gay Reverend and former Head Evangelical Ted Haggard, who is not gay, assumes a position he is very unfamiliar with.

Pastor Ted "Art" Haggard is one of the most influential Republican Democratic Christian leaders and the former president of the National Association of Evangelicals and former senior pastor of the New Life mega-church in Colorado Springs, Colorado. Therefore, you just know he's not gay. It is true that he purchased meth, but he had perfectly good reasons: he said it was to help him speed read the Bible, the gay hooker attractive young gentleman who sold it to him said Haggard needed it to relax while... um... well, that's not the issue here.

He is a trusted adviser to George W. Bush, participating in weekly telephone conferences. Right there, you can tell he's not gay.

Furthermore, he is married, which is more proof he isn't gay; gay people can't get married.

“I am steady with my wife. I’m faithful to my wife.” Would a gay say that?



Mike Jones, masseur to Ted "Art" Haggard. Get a load o' them guns. ("Art" did.)

Smeared with Santorum-like election year lies by Nancy Pelosi and the liberal media, Pastor Ted remains true to the calling of the Church, except when he doesn't.

Voice MessagesEdit

A voice expert has testified that voicemails supplied by a gay hooker are from Haggard and purport to show that he was attempting to buy meth. But what do they actually prove?

"Hi Mike, this is Art. Hey, I was just calling to see if we could get any more. Either $100 or $200 supply. And I could pick it up really anytime I could get it tomorrow or we could wait till next week sometime and so I also wanted to get your address. I could send you some money for inventory but that's probably not working, so if you have it then go ahead and get what you can and I may buzz up there later today, but I doubt your schedule would allow that unless you have some in the house. Okay, I'll check in with you later. Thanks a lot, bye."

Clearly, Haggard is attempting to purchase Holy Bibles.

"Hi Mike, this is Art, I am here in Denver and sorry that I missed you. But as I said, if you want to go ahead and get the stuff, then that would be great. And I'll get it sometime next week or the week after or whenever. I will call though you early next week to see what's most convenient for you. Okay? Thanks a lot, bye."

In this message, it's evident that Ted is looking to purchase new candles for the altar.

The InvestigationEdit

On November 4, 2006, Haggard agreed to resign as leader of the New Life Church after its independent investigative board recommended his removal, saying he was guilty "of sexually immoral conduct."

"We, the Overseer Board of New Life Church, have concluded our deliberations concerning the moral failings of Pastor Ted Haggard. Our investigation and Pastor Haggard's public statements have proven without a doubt that he has committed sexually immoral conduct."

These religiofascist board members have turned away from the teachings of the Lord: Hate the sin, but love the sinner. Ted was just trying to love the sinner, that's all.

The AdmissionEdit

On November 5, 2006, Haggard confessed to his congregation that he has had a lifelong "sexual problem" and is "guilty of sexual immorality." He went on to say that "there is a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I have been warring against it all my adult life." Whether he is alcoholic or was abused as a child by a priest remains unknown, and we wish him a speedy cure for his problems, which in no way mean he is gay.

Ted Haggardsavessouls

Ted Haggard attempting to save another soul please, ignore the picture.

The Un-GayingEdit


Reverend Haggard has been saved!

Praise Jesus!

Heaven has sent Ted a Straightener and he has been Born Again! He is now completely heterosexual!


  • Tried penis once, but didn't inhale.
  • Admits he bought meth from a gay hooker, but like a righteous man, he threw it away.
  • Is not gay.
  • Running a megachurch is mega-stressful. A massage from the strong hands of a muscular young stud is just what you need.

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