Look at this Taino woman shredding cassava. Can you blame the White man for ravaging her civilization?

An Indigenous group from the Major Antilles, that were known for having extremely beautiful naked women who bathed. Christopher Columbus accidentally came to visit them in 1492, on his way to "borrow" a few spices from India. He returned several times due to the addictive nature of Taino women, tobacco and gold. It was the beautiful Taino women who were to blame for the moral decay of the Spanish civilization in the Caribbean, at least, according to the Vatican; which is of course, totally infallible.

Arrival of the SpaniardsEdit


Naked Taino Women

The Spanish Conquistadors, which consisted mostly of prisoners and bored noblemen who were too dickish to remain in their home country, were deprived of their lice-ridden, menses-encrusted, hairy, pious and heavily clothed wives. The sinful lure of glistening, tanned and naked Taino babes proved too irresistable. Spain in an effort to thwart this problem, asked the Vatican to classify the Taino as human beings in order to "gently" convince them into join the Holy Catholic Church. The general consensus was that having intimate relations with nubile Christian maidens was more socially acceptable than bestiality. Thankfully, this happened before the founding of the abomination known as People For Interspecies Tolerance. So the Church mercifully complied with this request in an effort to save Spain from undue embarrassment and being laughed at by lesser European countries, like PortugalGermany and Great Britain. The papal bull of Inter caetera made the world became a much better place for horny Spanish sailors seeking hot and socially-acceptable, Catholic Taino booty.



Grateful Taino men thanking their Spanish friends for destroying their godless non-civilization.

The Taino people mysteriously disappeared after the census of 1790, when the Monarchy decided that counting Tainos in a separate category was too hard. The census took place immediately after the Spanish Conquistadors brought God, clothing and civilization to these naked heathens, in 1493, when the Spanish annihilated the Tainos with diseased blankets and superior weapons capabilities.


In 2009, the tribe reappeared just as mysteriously when DNA tests were conducted on the inhabitants of Puerto Rico. It was determined that 61% of the population contained Taino DNA.  Later, it was discovered that the Dominican Republic's population had 40% Taino DNA and Cuba's contained 20% Taino DNA.

This discovery had the potential of rewritting history and extending tribal recognition for this extinct people. However, the last thing America needs is more Native Americans running around building casinos and having pow-wows. All of the important government people in United States of America ignored all this meaningless genetic conjecture and erred on the side of truthiness. This brilliant piece of strategy has once again saved America from terrorism.  Spain went along with the wacky hijinks because paying for reparations is inconvenient and expensive. Besides, austerity is awesome!

Modern TainosEdit

As in the case of medical marijuanaevolution and gravity, scientific proof about the existence of modern Tainos in America. That's revisionist mumbo-jumbo. The bones of these dead Indians can be proudly exhibited in anthropological exhibits without having to worry about that pesky burial site desecration or reparations stuff.

800px-Carnival 002 4550

This is a figment of your imagination. These modern Taino children having fun at a carnival in the Dominican Republic don't really exist.



Pregnant/Topless Taino woman enjoying a relaxing and healthy cigar at the turn of the century, one-third of a millennia after the Taino people became extinct.

  • Europeans who bathe
  • nice maracas and cassavas
  • healthful youth tobacco use
  • flimsy hammocks
  • machetes
  • bodacious tatas 
  • eight Miss Universes
  • the Caribbean tourist industry
  • barbecued mute dogs
  • syphilis
  • the fountain of youth
  • meaningless trinkets for home decor
  • baseball players
  • hard-to-pronounce words
  • clashing pastel color-schemes

Ad blocker interference detected!

Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.