ATTENTION: This Page is for Real Americans™ ONLY
If you are not a Real American™, pack your bags and report to GITMO.

is a Member of the
NAMBLA Family of Associations
Since 1999

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If you touch my junk I might get erected
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~ a molested passenger

TSA: Fondling your body for freedom

The Transportation and Security Administration (TSA) is a group of people making America safe. If you have nothing to hide, you won't argue with them. You won't argue with any command they give you. You will take off whatever clothes they tell you. You will pose for whatever pictures they insist are necessary for keeping America safe.

The TSA is the main reason no terrorists have been able to get onto planes in the US. They are also the reason, no passengers have been able to get onto planes in the US. The TSA has been able to achieve this unprecedented level of success by creating and implementing the List of Banned Substances, or the "BS".

Security AlternativesEdit

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America's leading security-insurance agency has developed many procedures to capture terrorists. To some all this hard work appears intrusive--some might even say unconstitutional--but those people would be wrong. The TSA is always thinking of the children and one day those children will thank them for looking out for their well being. In fact, the TSA uses the latest state-of-the-art technologies to go to great lengths to look everywhere and on everyone for American children's well-being. God Bless America.

Some of the TSA's terrorist-finding technologies and procedures include:

  • enhanced pat-downs (see section below)
  • backscatter radiation machines (cancer free! For every one scan, you get two cancer cells! What a deal!)
  • metal detectors
  • specially-trained dogs to sniff out explosives and/or drugs
  • fully GED-trained, former-felonious personnel
  • the No Fly List (see section below)
  • mind reading

During your time with the TSA screeners, music will be provided to make your experience more enjoyable.


How is my molesting?

Rape Enhanced Pat Down TechniquesEdit

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Freedom Gropes
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Rapistscan: With a name like that, you know you can trust them


The Chinese are already working on WMDDs!

The Enhanced Pat Down Techniques is one of the new tools that is helping America to combat terrorism by groping would-be terrorists for freedom! Just like Enhanced Interrogation Techniques, Enhanced Pat Down Techniques is helping us to secure America and deterring terrorist activities by humiliating our own citizens. After such a display of humiliation there is no way a terrorist will ever fly again.

Along with the usage of the Pat Down, the TSA is using a porno machine an X-Ray Vision machine to look at the genitalia of people to be uploaded on the internet to be sold as porn to help them look for WMDs hidden on people's butt or genitalia, it is an ugly business but someone has to do it. Luckily there is no shortage of volunteers (alot of them are even willing to work for free, even better if they are allowed to pat down children mini-terrorists and terror babies for they are willing to pay tons of money for such a patriotic honor).[1]

The TSA has promised that they will continue groping Americans until we are safe. We must do it for America, we must do it for freedom.


Kids, this is for America. There is nothing wrong
with a no-no bad touch to secure our freedoms!

Special ListEdit

NAMBLA endorses TSA[1]

People on the Special List are allowed to bypass the body scanners and the pat downs, this is not preferential treatment but a fact that these people are too important to waste their time on the commoners procedures and their silly games.

The "Other" Special ListEdit

There is another list which tells TSA agents which passengers are not allowed on planes. This is called the No Fly List. Essentially, it is a list of known terrorists, complete with the correct spelling of their full name, all aliases, their latest photograph (with various alternate disguises) and favorite body cavities for extra scrutiny. This list has proved to be an invaluable tool keeping America safe from terrorists.

The following is a list of terrorists captured by the TSA's No-Fly List:



  1. For some reason our "Free No-no bad touch for every child!" campaign is very unpopular with parents.

The BSEdit


Clearly this man is hiding a bomb.
Quick, somebody frisk him!

Here is a sampling of the many items the TSA has banned from all flights originating from the US, or bound for the US, from other non-US places:

  1. hair gel
  2. shampoo
  3. perfume
  4. cologne
  5. toiletries
  6. personal grooming utensils
  7. dildos
  8. viagra
  9. luggage

    cant wait to inspect that

  10. books written by J.K. Rowling
  11. shoes
  12. tassles
  13. cell phones
  14. pens, pencils
  15. glasses
  16. Emmys, or any other "award"
  17. boobs
  18. your genitalia Your Junk
  19. Spanish Fly
  20. Fake Boobs
  21. Urine Bags (they could use the ammonia to make bombs!)
  22. Skirts
  23. Babies: Babies will be confiscated, after we scan them for bombs.
  24. Boobies milk
  25. Pancakes, we are watching you IHOP...
  26. Chicken and crawfish, that is all.
  27. Buttocks, some booties are too risky to approximate
  28. DNA, no more of that double-helix
  29. three inches firearms
  30. Money, now hear me out, we all know that money is the root of all evil and the only way we can stop funding these terrorists camps is by taking money from you. You are welcomed.
  31. Children... on drugs!
  32. Afros, there is no doubt you can hide a lot of stuff in there...
  33. Medicine

    Poison gifts forbidden

  34. Cupcakes

Items the TSA Allows on FlightsEdit


Killer Boobs

  • match books
  • lighters
  • Tom Cruise
  • toupees
  • gun parts no larger than 2"
  • bomb parts lighter than 4 ounces
  • prescription Viagra (but only from the Dominican Republic)
  • Alkali metals

TSA Agents of the Year: Groping for Freedom!Edit

The Statue of Liberty approves!

TSA Entertainment DivisionEdit

Due to all the attention, the TSA has created a new division within their agency. This division will produce instructional videos to assist the public with understanding any new procedures.

Groping for America

Several works are already in the pipeline:

  • "Michele Bachmann Does Washington, DC."
  • "Debbie Does Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport"
  • "Enema of the State"
  • "BrownEye 007"
  • "Deep Groping"
  • "Erotic Diary of a Lesbian TSA Agent"
  • "The Airline Pilot's Daughter"
  • "TSA Agents Gone Wild"
  • "How to Train Your Trouser Snake"
  • "The TSA Saga: New Mooning"
  • "Butt-pirates of the Anguilla Wallblake Airport"
  • "300: The Battle of LaGuardia"
  • Behind the Airport Men's Room Door
  • "XXX-Men Orifices: TSA"
  • "Kiddy Fiddler On The Roof"
TSA Christmas Special: 12 Nights of XXXmas!
  • "An Inconvenient T&A"
  • "Bone In 60 Minutes"
  • "Anal-ize This"
  • "2 Fists 2 Furious"
  • "50 First Pat Downs"
  • "TSA: The T & A Team"
  • "The TSA Team"
  • "Indiana Bones and the Lost Body Scan Pictures"
  • "Butch TSA Agent and the Lapdance Kid"
  • "Invasion Of The Underwear Bomber"
  • "Willy Wanker and the Body Scanner Factory"
  • "Weapons of Ass Destruction"
  • "Star Whores: A New Grope"
  • "TSA Trek: The Next Groping"
  • "I am Curious Terror Alert Level Yellow"

External TubesEdit

TSA agent arrested for imprisoning
a terrorist american-hater
Terrorist group releases anti-freedom song

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