The Transportation and Security Administration (TSA) is a group of people making America safe. If you have nothing to hide, you won't argue with them. You won't argue with any command they give you. You will take off whatever clothes they tell you. You will pose for whatever pictures they insist are necessary for keeping America safe.
The TSA is the main reason no terrorists have been able to get onto planes in the US. They are also the reason, no passengers have been able to get onto planes in the US. The TSA has been able to achieve this unprecedented level of success by creating and implementing the List of Banned Substances, or the "BS".
America's leading security-insurance agency has developed many procedures to capture terrorists. To some all this hard work appears intrusive--some might even say unconstitutional--but those people would be wrong. The TSA is always thinking of the children and one day those children will thank them for looking out for their well being. In fact, the TSA uses the latest state-of-the-art technologies to go to great lengths to look everywhere and on everyone for American children's well-being. God Bless America.
Some of the TSA's terrorist-finding technologies and procedures include:
- enhanced pat-downs (see section below)
- backscatter radiation machines (cancer free! For every one scan, you get two cancer cells! What a deal!)
- metal detectors
- specially-trained dogs to sniff out explosives and/or drugs
- fully GED-trained, former-felonious personnel
- the No Fly List (see section below)
- mind reading
During your time with the TSA screeners, music will be provided to make your experience more enjoyable.
Rape Enhanced Pat Down TechniquesEdit
The Enhanced Pat Down Techniques is one of the new tools that is helping America to combat terrorism by groping would-be terrorists for freedom! Just like Enhanced Interrogation Techniques, Enhanced Pat Down Techniques is helping us to secure America and deterring terrorist activities by humiliating our own citizens. After such a display of humiliation there is no way a terrorist will ever fly again.
Along with the usage of the Pat Down, the TSA is using
a porno machine an X-Ray Vision machine to look at the genitalia of people to be uploaded on the internet to be sold as porn to help them look for WMDs hidden on people's butt or genitalia, it is an ugly business but someone has to do it. Luckily there is no shortage of volunteers (alot of them are even willing to work for free, even better if they are allowed to pat down children mini-terrorists and terror babies for they are willing to pay tons of money for such a patriotic honor).
People on the Special List are allowed to bypass the body scanners and the pat downs, this is not preferential treatment but a fact that these people are too important to waste their time on the commoners procedures and their silly games.
The "Other" Special ListEdit
There is another list which tells TSA agents which passengers are not allowed on planes. This is called the No Fly List. Essentially, it is a list of known terrorists, complete with the correct spelling of their full name, all aliases, their latest photograph (with various alternate disguises) and favorite body cavities for extra scrutiny. This list has proved to be an invaluable tool keeping America safe from terrorists.
The following is a list of terrorists captured by the TSA's No-Fly List:
- a Joowish traitor who expressed he can blow up our planes by bypassing our
porn machinesecurity machine
- Hillary Clinton
- Terrorist Pilots
Bikini Hawt Babeshe has security clearance for my bedroom door at any time
- menstruating women
- Afros, maybe its time for them to go back to the 70's.
- ↑ For some reason our "Free No-no bad touch for every child!" campaign is very unpopular with parents.
Here is a sampling of the many items the TSA has banned from all flights originating from the US, or bound for the US, from other non-US places:
- hair gel
- personal grooming utensils
- books written by J.K. Rowling
- cell phones
- pens, pencils
- Emmys, or any other "award"
your genitaliaYour Junk
- Spanish Fly
- Fake Boobs
- Urine Bags (they could use the ammonia to make bombs!)
- Babies: Babies will be confiscated, after we scan them for bombs.
- Boobies milk
- Pancakes, we are watching you IHOP...
- Chicken and crawfish, that is all.
- Buttocks, some booties are too risky to approximate
- DNA, no more of that double-helix
- three inches firearms
- Money, now hear me out, we all know that money is the root of all evil and the only way we can stop funding these terrorists camps is by taking money from you. You are welcomed.
- Children... on drugs!
- Afros, there is no doubt you can hide a lot of stuff in there...
Items the TSA Allows on FlightsEdit
- match books
- Tom Cruise
- gun parts no larger than 2"
- bomb parts lighter than 4 ounces
- prescription Viagra (but only from the Dominican Republic)
- Alkali metals
TSA Agents of the Year: Groping for Freedom!Edit
- Sean Shanahan
- Randall Scott King
- CEO Chertoff
- Troy Davis, stealing for freedom.
- Agent Pedobear!
- Agent Pedobear, for arresting a terrorist who refused to have her child
TSA Entertainment DivisionEdit
Due to all the attention, the TSA has created a new division within their agency. This division will produce instructional videos to assist the public with understanding any new procedures.
Several works are already in the pipeline:
"Michele Bachmann Does Washington, DC."
- "Debbie Does Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport"
- "Enema of the State"
- "BrownEye 007"
- "Deep Groping"
- "Erotic Diary of a Lesbian TSA Agent"
- "The Airline Pilot's Daughter"
- "TSA Agents Gone Wild"
- "How to Train Your Trouser Snake"
- "The TSA Saga: New Mooning"
- "Butt-pirates of the Anguilla Wallblake Airport"
- "300: The Battle of LaGuardia"
- Behind the Airport Men's Room Door
- "XXX-Men Orifices: TSA"
- "Kiddy Fiddler On The Roof"
- "An Inconvenient T&A"
- "Bone In 60 Minutes"
- "Anal-ize This"
- "2 Fists 2 Furious"
- "50 First Pat Downs"
- "TSA: The T & A Team"
- "The TSA Team"
- "Indiana Bones and the Lost Body Scan Pictures"
- "Butch TSA Agent and the Lapdance Kid"
- "Invasion Of The Underwear Bomber"
- "Willy Wanker and the Body Scanner Factory"
- "Weapons of Ass Destruction"
- "Star Whores: A New Grope"
- "TSA Trek: The Next Groping"
- "I am Curious Terror Alert Level Yellow"
a terrorist american-hater
- Stanley Milgram approves!
- TSA gets new volunteers
- TSA willing to work for less as professional sexual harassers
- TSA arrests witch
- Mooslim terrorists to smuggle bombs up their butts
- Terrorists to use their balls as WMDs
- TSA happy with their new porno machine
- un-american Terrorist traitor refuses to be molested for America
- Labcoat Larries hates our new anti-terror machines
- Terrorist arrested for refusing to be molested
- After eight wonderful years, Drudge Report cancels endorsement for TSA after groping a non-mooslim woman. Outrageous!
- Another terrorists refuses to get naked
- Hippie terrorist now on no-fly list
- America loves the porn machines
- Porn Machine to release hawt pics
- Real Americans support freedom
- Communist joo hippie supports terrorism
- un-american traitor supporsts Bin Laden
- Real American suggests that mooslim brown people should be molested
- More Americans love being sexually molested. Sexual molestation for everyone!
- TSA to sexually molest brown people too
- Thanks to un-american traitors, terrorists know our sekrets!
- Liberal Media conspiring with terrorists
- TSA discovers another Boobs of Mass Destruction
- Porn Machine now more awesomer dammit, not real...
- TSA employees happy with new changes
- Un-american traitors against freedom
- More American Haters on the rise
- TSA to use the most advance form of terror profiling
- PETA supports new porn machine
- hawt paraplegic captured! Terror no more!
- TSA taken over by teh gey
- Nude Machines now to be sold nationwide! Get yer own!
- Real Americans support the TSA!
- TSA demands more patdowns! Terrorists could be leaving unmolested!
- american hater wants to protect terrorists
- TSA and the evil unions
- Terrorist getting smarter! Creates walking time bomb
- Terrorist gropes TSA agent! Prison for you!
- working hard to keep us safe!