The Superbowl, also known as the "Super Domestic Violence Catalyst Bowl", is the second most American holiday, after Christmas. One might say this game decides the best team in the NFL, but more so it rewards the team that doesn't screw up the most. Believe it or not, the winners are given a trophy named after an Italian. Contrary to the gut, the losing team does not get this trophy. (also not given to the team that sucks that least) In addition to the domestic fireworks, an American Armoured Wankball game is telecast. This day is a day in which Americans get to watch the game, drink beer, and eat lots of food.
This particular football game is the standard one hour long game, which is stretched into a five hour event. It is played on a standard NFL field, in a stadium, where the only black people in the stadium are either in the game, or working the concession stand.
The game is usually played in warm weather stadiums, otherwise no team would want to play in this game. Tickets to this event come pretty easy, and are relatively cheap. If you are among the Colbert Platinum, you would consider this "tip" money.
As for the half time show, many acts have been tried over the years. They have had marching bands, 3D shows, Walt Disney, Brian Boitano, and have even had strippers (see Super Bowl XXXVIII, below). Since the stripper half time show where so many people were offended , they Super Bowl Halftime commitee has concentrated on making half time shows that were not offensive to anyone. As a result it is also not enjoyed by anyone.
After the game an MVP is crowned and sent to Disney World (except in the case of the MVP being a murderer. See Ray Lewis, below). The Super Bowl losers are sent through a series of humiliating off-season hazing rituals.
AFL vs. NFLEdit
Before the Super Bowl there once was two NFL's. One was called the NFL, and the other called the AFL. Business owners of the two leagues soon realized that they could make much, much more money monopolizing the sport. So they agreed to settle the matter in the first Super Bowl. It was originally organized and promoted for the two teams to face each other in gladiatorial combat.
However no member of the two teams had any knowledge of fighting with pole-axes or war hammers, so the owners conceded to allow them do something they did know how to do. They agreed to a best out of 3 match of football. The NFL took the series 2-1, and the AFL was absorbed into the NFL.
The Bears And NFC DominanceEdit
For 13 years the Chicago Bears, and their evil allies such as the Giants, The heathan Redskins, the Cowboys (Brokeback), and the team out of San Francisco dominated the Super Bowl. No David the overmatched AFC put forth could slay the NFC's Goliath.
The NFC was winning these "contests" in such convincing fashion (55-10, 46-10, 52-17, etc.) that it seemed as if the NFC's reign of darkness would last for centuries. In January of 1998, it seemed as if this trend would continue in Super Bowl XXXII when the 137½ point underdog Denver Broncos (who had already been slain 4 times previously by this NFC leviathan) faced the unstoppable Green Bay Packers.
A Hero ArisesEdit
Undaunted by the long odds, and funeral preparations, the Denver Broncos devised a masterful plot that left their fat, monstrous foes gasping for air and sweating mayonnaise by the 4th quarter. The Broncos won that day, and won again the next year.
From that point onward AFC heroes such as Ryan Leaf, Ben Hamburger, Tom Brady (whose team totally hasn't been cheating by the way), has had the NFC and their Bear loving friends beaten down, and their evil plans momentarily defeated.
American Culture ImpactEdit
Advertisers spent 2.6 million dollars for a 30 second ad in last year's Super Bowl. That adds up to $1.84 billion spent on advertising. What's more American than that (besides killing bears)? In fact that dollar amount is greater than the GDP of 29 countries. They are listed below so you can mock them easier. (Note: The italicized countries may not exist.)
Super Domestic Violence Catalyst, Fact or Fiction?Edit
The liberal media has done numerous studies highlighting the infamous aggression and violent crime spikes during this holiday - although most stereotypically pin it all on the drunken and dissatisfied harboring hordes of unspent stress and hormones.
However a recent survey conducted by the Greatest Living American of his gut indicates this to not be the case. The real reason for the anomaly of domestic violence cases on Super Bowl Sunday is linked to low-level definition television sets. This causes the arms to fall into what can only be described as a trance-like flailing motion. Almost immediately, the victim runs towards a spouse or loved one for assistance - instantly spawning a clash resembling a melee of sorts. Theres no clear answer as to how or why the TV sets are dysfunctional. Although, the manufacturing has been traced back to countries with a considerably reduced GDP.
Other than the 88 million average viewership (easily a small planet), some have made claims that the superbowl is nothing more than a trivial self-indulgent corporate orgie. Proponents of this belief who still identify themselves as avid sports enthusiasts often make the case that college ball has more to offer the sport than any professional franchise could ever begin to. The absurdity of this is that college players have not yet themselves attended any professional football schooling.
These phony fans also tend to agree that in recent years the league has been filled with complacent, overpaid, overrated unsportsmanlike drug addicts whose commitment goes only as far as their paychecks. While the average college player...with a dash of creatine to the belly and a wad of icy hot to the scrotum - runs out on that court and remains ever vigilant, hungry, and ready to fulfill their purpose from day one.
Perhaps the final nail in the coffin of the 'college or professional' debate is the fact that professional is right there in the name. Also, given the sheer number of viewship and ticket sales alone each year in and of itself, by argumentum ad populum, this reasoning must not stand.
Regardless of outcomes or whether one chooses to view the broadcast or not, one things for sure. . . there will always be next-holy shit...theres that commercial I was talking about! lulz... dude, thats like the only reason why anyone watches this stupid thing anymore...
Other Things On TV During the Super BowlEdit
(Special Note: Females and homosexuals planning on watchin' TV are advised to adjust their schedules, if they know what's good for 'em!)
- Figure Skating - Figure skating on ESPN has long been associated with trying to fill dead air on channels other than the one playing the Super Bowl. This is only watched if you are a gay man, or have a thing for 4'9", 78-pound Japanese girls.
- The Puppy Bowl - Don't miss the special "Kitten Bowl" half time show.
- VH1's I Love The 80's - This isn't so special because this show is ALWAYS on.
- Heidi, a movie about a Swiss girl that has been trapped in outer space and will intermittently interrupt land-based broadcasts during the cold fall and winter months.
- ¡Doce de mis hermanas rompieron mi pinata! - on Univision for the few Mexicans not working on Sunday (perhaps they are all working the concession stands at the Super Bowl).
Super Bowl ResultsEdit
|Super Bowl||Teams||Result||Notable events|
|I|| Chiefs vs. |
|Packers win on a last second QB sneak.||Better known as the "Ice Bowl". The game was played on a cool morning in early May in Green Bay, Wisconsin. The temperature was -37 degrees.|
|II|| Packers vs. |
|???||Historians are unsure what occurred...no one showed up thinking that the game would be colder than the previous year. Both teams claim victory.|
|III|| Jets vs. |
|Jets somehow win.||Homosexual Joe Namath not only wore pantyhose during the game, but also lipstick. You might say this tactic proved "fruit"-ful, for Namath scored two touchdowns, untouched by fearful Colt players who didn't dare tackle him.|
|IV|| Vikings vs. |
|Chiefs win 23-1||Played in pre-flooded New Orleans, comedian Hank Stram guest-coached the Kansas City Chiefs to victory while simultaneously cracking wise into the on-field microphone.|
|V|| Colts vs. |
|Declared a draw||Both teams were so terrible that it was declared a draw after the bored officials acquired tendinitis in their elbows from throwing penalty flags so much. League officials agreed to actually have good teams in the Super Bowl from now on.|
|VI|| Cowboys vs. |
|Cowboys 23-3||One of the first Super Bowls played on new fangled Astroturf. Consequently all players had knee replacement surgeries after the game.|
|VII|| Dolphins vs. |
|Dolphins perfect...like Stephen or Jesus||The Dolphins finished off the only perfect season in modern league history (until the 2007 Patriots joined them).|
|VIII|| Vikings vs. |
|Dolphins 24-7||This is the last time a Super Bowl was played were a majority of the players were white. If you are like Dr. Colbert this is something you could not notice on your own.|
|IX|| Steelers vs. |
|Steelers 16-6||The Vikings were oppressed behind the so called "Steel Curtain". The Steel Curtain defense would remain a superpower in the NFL until 1989.|
|X|| Cowboys vs. |
|Who cares?||The greatest kick returner in NFL history, and (more importantly) distant cousin of our Stephen, Danny Colbert accounted for every point scored (for both teams) in this Super Bowl.|
|XI|| Raiders vs. |
|Vikings loose another..||Raiders Coach John Madden sits on a transplanted couch eating chicken wings on the Raiders' sideline so that his regular Super Bowl Sunday is not interrupted by actually being in the game.|
|XII|| Cowboys vs. |
|Cowboys 27-10||The Cowboys took the Broncos' "Orange Crush" defense a little to literally. The Cowboys easily defeated a 12 pack of orange soda.|
|XIII|| Steelers vs. |
|See Right.||See Super Bowl X. Same teams, how much could the outcome change?|
|XIV|| Rams vs. |
|Steelers win.||Ewe might say the Rams were like sheep lead to a slaughter in this game.|
|XV|| Raiders vs. |
|Eagles lose; Dick Vermeil cries.||Donovan McNabb-then 4 years old, further angered Philadelphia fans by being unable to lead the Eagles to victory.|
|XVI|| 49ers vs. |
|49ers win!||As a result of the Bengals failure, a curse was placed on the Bengals. This curse still exists to this day, and stipulates that the Cincinnati Bengals will always suck balls.|
|XVII|| Dolphins vs. |
|Dolphins win...I think.||Snowflake, the Miami Dolphins' mascot was rescued from a botched kidnapping and returned.|
|XVIII|| Redskins vs. |
|Marcus Allen 38 |
|Joe Theismann left this game with two (2) intact, unbroken legs. (Emphasis Added)|
|XIX|| Dolphins vs. |
|49ers by a hair||NFL poster boy Dan Marino with his quick release, and golden arm fell short to the 49ers this day. Being only a second-year player, I am sure he will be back to the Super Bowl many, many times.|
|XX|| Bears vs. |
|Bears 46,294 |
|How ironic is it that the Bears devoured a team by the name of the "Patriots"? Let this be a warning to Real Americans to remain ever vigilant of Bears, and terrorists.|
|XXI|| Broncos vs. |
|Giants 39-20||The Broncos proved that you can't win the super bowl with only one good player on your team.|
|XXII|| Redskins vs. |
|Redskins win 42-10.||The Redskins scored 35 points in the 2nd quarter after they fooled the Broncos into thinking it was halftime at the end of the 1st quarter. You would be amazed how many points you can score on an empty field.|
|XXIII|| Bengals vs. |
|See Super Bowl XVI||See Super Bowl XVI|
|XXIV|| 49ers vs. |
|49ers crush the Broncos 345-10.||Behind the strong arm of QB Joe Montana who finished with 27 touchdown passes (and was pulled in favor of backup Steve Young in 1st quarter), the 49ers proved themselves one of the best teams of 1989.|
|XXV|| Bills vs. |
|Giants 20-19||Scott "Ray Finkle" Norwood missed a late game-winning field goal thanks to the incompetence of Bills QB Dan Marino. Bills lose, but there is always next year.|
|XXVI|| Redskins vs. |
|Redskins 52-17||Bills lose, but there is always next year.|
|XXVII|| Bills vs. |
|Cowboys 52-17||Bills lose, but there is always next year.|
|XXVIII|| Cowboys vs. |
|Cowboys 52-17||Bills lose, but there is always ne......No wonder the Buffalo is extinct in North America, they are natural born losers!|
|XXIX|| Chargers vs. |
|Chargers 87-72||Chargers quarterback Ryan Leaf lead the Chargers to their only Super Bowl victory ever. Proof once again that the Chargers in all their great wisdom drafted Leaf ahead of loser Payton Manning (who?).|
|XXX|| Cowboys vs. |
|Cowboys 52-17||Dr. Colbert along side The Baby Jesus disapproved of this game being played because of it's endorsement of the porno industry.|
|XXXI|| Patriots vs. |
|Packers win.||In another surprising guest-coach decision, the Packers had a walrus lead them to victory. Coach Walrus excited at the prospect of fish, gored with his tusk QB Brett Favre who was too drunk to feel a thing.|
|XXXII|| Packers vs. |
|Broncos actually win‡||Empowered by QB John Elway's powers of being able to flip in the air a bunch, the Broncos are finally victorious.|
|XXXIII|| Broncos vs. |
|Broncos 98-0||Broncos running back Terrell Davis rushed for 2008 yards during the regular season, however he only rushed for 1913 yards in this game. Loser.|
|XXXIV|| Rams vs. |
|Rams win; Dick Vermeil cries||An 86 year old man led the St. Louis Rams to the Super Bowl, only to leave the game in the fourth quarter due to Diabeetus.|
|XXXV|| Ravens vs. |
|The Ravens "Murdered" the Giants.||The Giants roster had some holes after Ravens Linebacker Ray Lewis murdered of many Giants players. He then sped away from the crime scene in his limo to make it to the game just on time.|
|XXXVI|| Rams vs. |
|Pats 20-19||A completely legitimate victory for the Patriots. Bill Belichick did not, I repeat, NOT video tape the Rams final walk-through. They won the game fairly, and in true sportsmanship which has always been the trade mark of their head coach.|
|XXXVII|| Raiders vs. |
|Bucs win 7-2.||The "Commitment to Excrement" loses to the losingest team in league history. Still not quite as bad as the Toronto Raptors losing to Maccabi Tel Aviv.|
|XXXVIII|| Panthers vs. |
|Boobies!!!||The exposing of Janet Jackson's breast was almost overshadowed by a football game. Millions of virgin eyes were damaged by this unwholesome display. This cornea-scorching image was later healed through trillions of letters to the FCC.|
|XXXIX|| Patriots vs. |
|Patriots win by not cheating.||All 53 Eagle Players are immediately executed for their failure by |
|XL|| Seahawks vs. |
|Steelers win in Jerome Bettis' return to home town.||YES! WE KNOW! EVERY SINGLE HUMAN ON EARTH KNOWS BY NOW THAT JEROME BETTIS IS FROM DETROIT. DROP IT ALREADY!!!|
|XLI|| Colts vs. |
|Bears must have let the Colts win. Who can beat a Bear?||The final score said the Colts won, but their fans then realized they had lost because, well, they still live in Indianapolis.|
|XLII|| Giants vs. |
|Patriots screw up. Big Time.||The Pats were just seconds away from clinching a perfect season when, out of nowhere, some whore named Elvira, Mistress of the Dark distracted Bill Belichick from making a defensive play by using her sexy boob powers to help the Giants hand Tom Brady's ass over to him with a last minute touchdown to win the Superbowl. Two days after, Elvira and the Giants celebrate with a glorious victory parade at the Canyon of Heroes in New York City. Many famous celebrities and politicians attended, including President Bush who said at City Hall ceremony "As a free man, I take pride in the words, Ich Bich Ein Street Hooker."|
|XLIII|| Steelers vs. |
| Cardinals 23 |
|God's Quarterback™ Kurt Warner, lead the Cardinals to a game-winning touchdown drive with only 2:37 left in the game.|
|XLIV|| Saints vs. |
| Saints 31 |
|Hurricane Katrina is finally forgiven as this Saint's victory is the only good event to occur in the history of New Orleans. Also Peyton Manning is bitch-slapped in his quest to be named the greatest quarterback of all time.|
‡No, this is not a typo. The Broncos actually won a Super Bowl.