The Stock Market is a scale by which the productivity and commerce of an economy (or economies) are evaluated. Markets are measured in Stockos, a unit explained by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert DFA in the episode of December 2, 2008Episode #485. On that day, the Dow Jones went up 200-some-odd Stockos, which was better than December 1, when it dropped almost 750 Stockos.
It was founded by Rear Admiral C.B. Stock, an early American Jew, in the early part of the 1800s, as a system whereby people gave him money for his opinions. This came about when the Admiral realized that nobody would ever take stock in what he said, so he would obviously have to sell it in the market on Saturdays. The Admiral was a mentor of circus magnate P.T. Barnum, and is thought to have inspired Barnum's immortal factoid "A sucker is born every minute."
Later, the development of "taking stock" was invented by a board of directors, who decided that it was best to take it, rather than buying it, and to convince suckers to exchange money for little bits of paper, following the immortal words of Rear Admiral C.B. Stock: "Stock is for selling. Only an sucker would buy stock. Luckily, there are always plenty of those about."
The First Crash
In time, the Stock Market grew to include more than simply money for opinions on little bits of paper. Because people had paid for these opinions, they wanted to believe that they had value. After a few decades, people started to catch on that the opinions on the little bits of paper only had value because they had paid for them, and this caused a massive sell-off of the stocks, resulting in a major crash in the late 1850's. At the end of this period, the stocks were actually worth less than the little bits of paper they were written on.
The First Emergency Financial Conference
Leading finance ministers of the time, known as the G15 (an abbreviation of "Greedy 15") convened in London to discuss the crisis. Their decision shaped modern finance in the following ways: the invention and sale of Bonds, the issuing of New Stocks, and the new bankerspeak word "inflation." They also created the concept of the Stock Exchange, wherein people could trade their little bits of paper for other little bits of paper, of equal or lesser value. They also established that the little bits of paper that were traded must be attached to something of actual value, like gold, cash, Spam, or property. The system of exchange was modelled after the successful practices of the Holy Roman Church, which had been in use since ancient times. (If you give me your money, I promise that after you die you'll get a big surprise.) This is one of the things that makes the Baby Jesus cry.
The Exchange's primary reason for being was to charge people money for taking their money there, in trade for little bits of paper. In this way, the Stock Exchange is very similar to a wishing well.
The G15 are well known as the inventors of Communism-Socialist-Marxism; the concept arose at the same meeting, and allowed them to sell Stocks and Bonds to everyone (not just the rich.) They agreed at that point to collect the money together, and not compete with one another, which is obviously counter to the Great American Way of Capitalism, God Bless America!
Following the immortal words of the great Philosopher Wimpy, "I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today," the Bond market was created. Bonds, which are in effect fancy IOUs, were sold in the New Exchange along with Stocks, to be paid back to their "owners" at a later date. In order to avoid being hanged for the earlier financial collapse, traitors began to issue these in earnest in order to pay off the hangman. This imaginary sense of value, attributed to the Stocks and Bonds, caused Inflation.
The G15 set up the new Stock Exchange in such a way that when the Bonds came due, they could crash it again and avoid paying the Bondholders back.
Stocks, Bonds, and Inflation make the Baby Jesus sad. Does your mother know you buy these filthy liberal myths?
Hedge Funds were created by the Bears under the direction of the Baby Satan with the help of Voldemort and other members of the G15. The concept is to take the money out of Stocks and Bonds and place it with a bookie in a bet against the Stock Exchange, so that when that inevitably crashes you'll still have some way to sleep indoors. Hedge Funds are stored at the World Bank, in a secret location unknown to anyone, other than the Bears, and possibly Ted Kennedy. When the funds are due to pay out, the Bears jump out from behind their Hedges and crash the Exchanges by destroying market confidence. Because who can really be confident in the Market when they're being attacked by soulless, godless, rampaging killing machines?
The Uber-Hedge-Fund Master, Jimmy Hoffa, is the only one who knows for certain, the secret location of the World Bank, and nobody has seen him for a very, very long time.
In the latest newspeak, Hedge Funds may also be called Ponzi Schemes; a classic example of this are the goings on with Bernard Madoff and his funds, after the bears began to savage investors.
In the late 1920's the Bonds came due, the promises to pay could not be kept, and the G15 and Bears collectively crashed the Markets, which had by now established themselves worldwide. This lasted until about 1935. Because they had nowhere to store their ill-gotten gains, the G15 created the Federal Reserve, as a coalition of bankers and traders putting their money together to lend it back to the common people they had stolen it from in the first place, at higher rates of interest.
Other notable crashes occurred in:
- 1971-77 (due to massive ill-gotten gains, the IMF and World Bank were created to hide all the loot),
- 1982-85 (the collapse of the Savings and Loans and Junk Bonds, see also John McCain, Jeb Bush)
- 1998-2008 (see also: Enron, Worldcom, Financial Crisis, Credit Crunch, and the Global Clusterf*#k to the Poorhouse)
As a result of the 2008 crashes, the Greatest President enacted the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008 wherein the government of the United States (God Bless America) would buy the banks and industrial production of that great country at 2 cents on the dollar, in order to secure and maintain Free Market Capitalism. This should in no way be construed as Socialism because there will be no social benefit from the action - it is pure good business. Buy low - sell high. Thank you, Baby Jesus, for giving us the Greatest President, who has now efficiently spent all of the value of the United States of America (God Bless America) and also the World, in pursuit of Osama bin Laden. The world could only be a better place without a beard like that in it.
Stock Market Advisors and Financial Advisors
The Stock Market has become so difficult to understand that most ordinary heroes, and even exceptional ones like Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, need someone to help them make decisions about where to spend their money. Dr. Colbert's financial advisor is Gorlock, who has been out-of-contact with Stephen since June's crashes. This is fairly typical behaviour for Stock Market or Financial Advisors, as well as fund managers. Stephen is currently taking his market advice from HAL-9000, which may or may not be a good idea.
Stock Market and Financial Advisors are two beasts of one body. Hence they are in fact a product of the Baby Satan. They are ultimately responsible for creating the Hedge Funds that Bears hide behind. (See above for an explanation of Hedge Funds.)
The most realistic theory for Gorlock's disappearance is that the Advisors are running away with the Bears, having made huge personal profits from the collapse of their reccomended funds.
Stock Market Reporting
This has been the exclusive property of the Truthiness Monkeys since at least 1900. Their hand can be easily seen by comparing the reported Market figures of several major newspapers. Normally, Ignorance writes the numbers, and when the Bonds come due, Fear takes over. Regardless of who is writing, they always have the full support of Obedience. This is why stock quotes can only be verified by the gut.
Defining The Markets
- Bull Market-- When the market is rising, it's called a Bull Market. This is short for Bullsh*t Market, since only the G15 are actually making money.
- Bear Market-- When the market is having its head savegely ripped off, it's called a Bear Market. Secondary effects of a Bear Market include investors having their heads ripped off by these soulless, godless, killing machines. It's interesting to note that even when the market is falling, the G15 are actually making money.
- Lion Market-- When false idols are controlling the movement of the market, it's called a Lion Market.
- Admiral Stock was plagiarized by the Pet Shop Boys, in their hit song "Opportunities" where one of his immortal lines was quoted well out of context: "I've got the brains, you've got the brawn, let's make lots of money." The actual quote is: "I've got the brains, I've got your money, call me next Tuesday."
- The G15 were obviously influenced by the Baby Satan.
- The Stock Market is heavily influenced by Bears. Why do you think they call it a "Bear Market" when it's having its head savagely ripped off? All market collapses are caused by these soulless, godless, rampaging killing machines, in the service of the G15 and the Baby Satan.
- The regular market is called the Bull Market, which is, of course, shorthand for "Bullsh*t Market." See? The Baby Satan had this very well thought out.
- The "Running of the Bulls" (to the wishing well) occurs when the Stock Market is rising, and creates market confidence. When consumers get to the well, the Bears are waiting behind the hedges. This cycle is called the Economy. God Bless America.