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Stephen Colbert's Doom Bunker

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Stephen Colbert's Doom Bunker
is a featured segment of
the Greatest American Television Show--EVER!!!, The Colbert Report.


SCDoomBunkerTitle

March 4, 2009 WarningEdit

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  • After the break, Dr. Colbert welcomes The Heroes to the Doom Bunker, where he will imagine some possible, future dire scenarios
DISCLAIMER:

Dr. Colbert is not saying that he thinks these things are going to happen. He's saying these things are going to happen. He thinks?


  • joining Dr. Colbert to discuss the hypothetical death of all that he loves is:
  • Jacobs is qualified to talk about dire scenarios
  • Moore is just as qualified because he was on Glenn Beck's "War Room"
    • Moore became terrified
  • Dr. Colbert ordered Jimmy to make more fog
  • Dr. Colbert warned his guests that he would propose a few scenarios, but he isn't looking for solutions
    • he just wants to talk about how horrible they would be
SCENARIO #1
  • the year is 2012
  • the Dow is trading below 1000
  • unemployment is at 40%
  • there is an armed insurrection in El Kañsas (pronounced el kahn-yawn-zas)
Please note: everything west of The Mississippi is now Mexico


  • militarily-speaking Jacobs says it will never happen
    • Dr. Colbert wants to know if the Army can fire on its own people
    • Jacobs clings to his assertion that there will not be an insurrection nor will the Army shoot its own people
  • economically-speaking Moore says the Eastern United States should not trade with Newer Mexico
    • and that he hopes NAFTA is still around
    • free trade is still good for the economy (even if there's only half an America)
    • Texans don't want to go to Mexico
    • but, it's okay if Kansas did
SCENARIO #2
  • the year is 2014
  • the Dow is trading below 250
  • Koala Pox wiped out all of the world's livestock
  • Soy beans have replaced money


  • Moore says scenario 2 is not going to happen
  • in world where our only source of protein is also our currency, Moore says to plant soy beans everywhere
  • Moore recommends not eating your money
    • Dr. Colbert agreed because you really will be shitting it away
  • for National Security reasons, Dr. Colbert could not divulge the information with Moore that he will now disclose to Col. Jacobs:
    • in 2014, America will have a werewolf Congress
  • after carefully considering this newly classified information, Jacobs tells Dr. Colbert that there are no werewolves
    • he insists that the Army would not use silver bullets (falling back on his insistence that werewolves do not exist)
  • Dr. Colbert swings back over to the other side of The C-Desk to discuss whether America can afford silver bullets with Stephen Moore
    • Dr. Colbert believes commodities will be very precious
      • Moore agrees that there will be hyper-inflation
SCENARIO #3
  • the year is 2019
  • the U.S. auto industry is gone
  • but, every car in America turns out to be a Decepticon


  • evil robots in every garage
    • robots with armed, mounted plasma-cannons that can then fold up and become a Camaro
  • may sound like the insane ramblings of a syphilitic brain, but, in a crazy world where monkeys eat meat, Dr. Colbert asks Col. Jacobs if America should go nuculer in Scenario #3
    • Jacobs says that Decepticons are only toys
    • Jacob says America would never shoot nuculer weapons at Decepticons
      • Dr. Colbert says we should keep them on the table
SCENARIO #4
  • the year is 2012
  • Obama's policies have worked
  • pulling out of Iraq was the right thing to do
  • stimulus plan has the Dow rebounding somewhere around 12,000
  • people's faith in the government is restored


  • Moore is dumbstruck
    • he cannot believe that socialism works
  • if Scenario #4 shows that the government might be able to do some things, Mr. Moore will have to rethink everything he believes in
    • Dr. Colbert prays that will never come to pass
POST-DISCLAIMER:

Dr. Colbert is not saying that these things are necessarily going to happen, but, if they do happen, it will be without warning!


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