Stephen Colbert's Doom Bunker

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Stephen Colbert's Doom Bunker
is a featured segment of
the Greatest American Television Show--EVER!!!, The Colbert Report.


March 4, 2009 WarningEdit

  • After the break, Dr. Colbert welcomes The Heroes to the Doom Bunker, where he will imagine some possible, future dire scenarios

Dr. Colbert is not saying that he thinks these things are going to happen. He's saying these things are going to happen. He thinks?

  • joining Dr. Colbert to discuss the hypothetical death of all that he loves is:
  • Jacobs is qualified to talk about dire scenarios
  • Moore is just as qualified because he was on Glenn Beck's "War Room"
    • Moore became terrified
  • Dr. Colbert ordered Jimmy to make more fog
  • Dr. Colbert warned his guests that he would propose a few scenarios, but he isn't looking for solutions
    • he just wants to talk about how horrible they would be
  • the year is 2012
  • the Dow is trading below 1000
  • unemployment is at 40%
  • there is an armed insurrection in El Kañsas (pronounced el kahn-yawn-zas)
Please note: everything west of The Mississippi is now Mexico

  • militarily-speaking Jacobs says it will never happen
    • Dr. Colbert wants to know if the Army can fire on its own people
    • Jacobs clings to his assertion that there will not be an insurrection nor will the Army shoot its own people
  • economically-speaking Moore says the Eastern United States should not trade with Newer Mexico
    • and that he hopes NAFTA is still around
    • free trade is still good for the economy (even if there's only half an America)
    • Texans don't want to go to Mexico
    • but, it's okay if Kansas did
  • the year is 2014
  • the Dow is trading below 250
  • Koala Pox wiped out all of the world's livestock
  • Soy beans have replaced money

  • Moore says scenario 2 is not going to happen
  • in world where our only source of protein is also our currency, Moore says to plant soy beans everywhere
  • Moore recommends not eating your money
    • Dr. Colbert agreed because you really will be shitting it away
  • for National Security reasons, Dr. Colbert could not divulge the information with Moore that he will now disclose to Col. Jacobs:
    • in 2014, America will have a werewolf Congress
  • after carefully considering this newly classified information, Jacobs tells Dr. Colbert that there are no werewolves
    • he insists that the Army would not use silver bullets (falling back on his insistence that werewolves do not exist)
  • Dr. Colbert swings back over to the other side of The C-Desk to discuss whether America can afford silver bullets with Stephen Moore
    • Dr. Colbert believes commodities will be very precious
      • Moore agrees that there will be hyper-inflation
  • the year is 2019
  • the U.S. auto industry is gone
  • but, every car in America turns out to be a Decepticon

  • evil robots in every garage
    • robots with armed, mounted plasma-cannons that can then fold up and become a Camaro
  • may sound like the insane ramblings of a syphilitic brain, but, in a crazy world where monkeys eat meat, Dr. Colbert asks Col. Jacobs if America should go nuculer in Scenario #3
    • Jacobs says that Decepticons are only toys
    • Jacob says America would never shoot nuculer weapons at Decepticons
      • Dr. Colbert says we should keep them on the table
  • the year is 2012
  • Obama's policies have worked
  • pulling out of Iraq was the right thing to do
  • stimulus plan has the Dow rebounding somewhere around 12,000
  • people's faith in the government is restored

  • Moore is dumbstruck
    • he cannot believe that socialism works
  • if Scenario #4 shows that the government might be able to do some things, Mr. Moore will have to rethink everything he believes in
    • Dr. Colbert prays that will never come to pass

Dr. Colbert is not saying that these things are necessarily going to happen, but, if they do happen, it will be without warning!

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