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We interrupt our regularly scheduled page to bring you this important announcement:
Stephanie is missing!
All the heroes are asked to do everything they can to find Stephanie.
We now return you to our regularly schedule page
Stephanie Colburtle the Turtle is Stephen's beautiful adopted sea turtle daughter.
The student researchers at Drexel University named Stephanie after Stephen as part of their research into tracking turtle migrations to the Galapagos Islands.
Stephanie is the largest of 11 turtles being tracked after leaving 9 egg nests on the beaches of Costa Rica. Her previous nesting record is seven nests between Dec. 19, 1995 and Feb. 14, 1996. Stephanie laid six nests in 2001-2002. Her most recent measurements are 166cm in length and 114cm in width.
Stephanie, like all leatherbacks, eats jellyfish and has a hard shell covered with leathery skin. She avoids beaches that have bright lights or lots of people walking at night.
Great Turtle RaceEdit
Stephanie Colburtle is participating in the Great Turtle Race this year. The Race is a competition in which contestants must swim from Costa Rica to the cursed Galapagos Islands to nest, and the trip usually spans over a period of 10-14 days. Stephanie Colburtle was donated in honor of Stephen Colbert by the heroes at Playa Grande Research Station.
Her training was intensive, consisting of long sessions of Turtle Porn watching, daily boxing of frozen cow carcasses, and regular injections of rTGH (Recombinant Turtle Growth Hormone).
As of April 23, 2007, Stephanie was in first place, with just 91 miles left to swim, but on April 26, 2007, Stephen had the painful duty to announce that Stephanie finished second, losing by 26 miles to a turtle tranny named Billie.
- Stephanie Colburtle is one of the largest turtles in the history of the Great Turtle Race, allowing her to plow through traps laid by renegade liberals in the Pacific Ocean.
- She has fallen behind on egg-laying (last nested: March 5, 2002) due to the depression that followed the Jack Abramoff scandals.
- As a Leatherback Turtle she feasts on jellyfish, and was nationally recognized by the International Federation of Competitive Eating for defeating human rival Takeru Kobayashi.
- Truth experts speculate that Stephanie alone could revive the critically endangered population of Leatherbacks based on her love of freedom and massive size - but mostly her love of freedom.
- She has been known to achieve top speeds of up to 35 mph underwater. On land, a host of eagles carry her to her desired destination.
- Stephanie and Stephen Jr. are siblings. Despite being different species. They haven't talked much over the past few years though.
- Stephanie was endorsed by the captain, crew and passengers of the Galapagos cruise ship M/V Santa Cruz on Earth Day April 23, 2007. The video of the "heroes" of the Santa Cruz can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKXo9NpiGNY and Stephen honered them on the April 24, 2007 broadcast of The Colbert Report.
A total of 10 turtles in the race are wallowing in Stephanie's watery dust.
Sponsored by Plantronics, the "World Leader in Communications Headsets". Little known truth, they export their products to terrorists and spies. This turtle does not stand for freedom as her name might say, seeing as her biography submitted by Plantronics reads like an ad. She has become a slave to product placement and blatant advertising.
Sponsored by NYC Life Sciences Secondary School, a liberal training facility heavily influenced by science. No one knows how to pronounce her name, which will help with her recession into obscurity as Stephanie wins the gold.
Sponsored by GITI Tires, who states "No matter where her travels take her, GITI will be there too!" Thus, GITI holds secret blueprints for creating underwater, tire-driven vehicles, which they have somehow failed to reveal to the government.
Sponsored by Drexel University, whose mascot is a mystical, fire-breathing dragon. They frequently summon the beast in chalk-drawn pentacles, only affirming their occult nature. The truth is that dragons are not real, so no imaginary lizard will defeat Stephanie.
Sponsored by Bullis Charter School, and as if there were not enough dragons poisoning the race, she is named after one. Students claim she will "fly through the water like she has wings of a dragon". Bullis is notoriously known for their attempts to genetically engineer dragon wings on helpless animals, prompting thorough investigations by PETA.
Sponsored by Dreyer's Grand Ice Cream, which fuels childhood obesity today. They claim "Sundae will win help from Dreyer's Slow Churned Light Ice Cream, because 'slow and creamy wins the race'" Then why hasn't Michael Moore won an Olympic medal?
Sponsored by West Marine, maker of boating supplies and accessories. Windy has showed up for the race with cuts and scratches two years in a row, so this turtle fights dirty. But Stephanie has strength in size, and will stand her ground against the vicious Windy. It is rumored that she has been performance enhanced with an outboard motor attached to her shell. However, Windy's trainers deny any such accusation.
Sponsored by Offield Center for Billfish Studies. Billie took a 3-year "break" from the race to sell American intelligence to countries of the Caribbean. With a host of sharp billfish surrounding her, she may be Stephanie's number one threat. However, billfish are nothing but a tasty snack for righteous eagles.
Allegedly Billie "won". However, some people believe "Billie" might not be a female turtle after all. Tests on 'her' flipper size will verify the femalocity of the tentative "winner"
Sponsored by Travelocity, Turtleocity is a newcomer to the Great Turtle Race, so she is expected to be crushed like turtle soup. The Travelocity company itself encourages people to travel around the world and fraternize with foreign nations, when they should really remain here in America.
Purple Lightning Edit
Sponsored by Yahoo!, a site dedicated to clogging the internet tubes with "Answers" given by unqualified strangers. Purple Lightning is also a first-time racer, who displays various wounds from fighting democracy. Stephanie will defeat her at lightning-speed.
- Find out where Stephanie is now - August 2007
- Track Stephanie's progress
- Stephanie's Myspace page
- Learn more about Stephanie's habits
- Sea Turtle Conservation
- Mr. Leatherback