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Squirrels are evil. Much more intelligent than bears, squirrels are some of the masterminds behind the invasions from bears. They were also the real supporters of the Democratic Party. Anyone can notice when visiting Washington D.C. that Squirrels are trying to dominate our government. Liberals, Gays, Communists, and Satanists have squirrels as their second favorite pet. Their favorite pets are bears.
One of the war tactics commonly used by squirrels is throwing themselves in front of our American cars. Historians are discussing if such tactic was learned from the Japanese Kamikazes during World War II, which would make the squirrels' attempt to seize the White House the one that has been lasting the longer. There are rumors that The Greatest President EVER! will launch The War on the Squirrels as soon as he wins the presidential elections again, in 2008.
It is a fact that squirrels are not earthlings. They were probably brought to Planet Earth by an alien entourage led by Tom Cruise, who is also known as Xenu. The entourage was secretly greeted by the Democratic Party, Gays, Communists, and Madonna, the singing whore, at the White House. The squirrels soon adopted bears as their new best-friends, which was highly approved by all gays present at the ceremony. Since then, squirrels have used bears as their weapons against the government established by Baby Jesus through the The Greatest President EVER!
Squirrels' Strategies Edit
The most known strategy used by squirrels in their crusade against Christendom and the logical order of the world is the Kamikaze attack, which mainly seeks to cause caos. But Squirrels are the most intelligent living beings on Earth after Humans. Thus, Kamikaze attacks are a method used only by the most fanatical squirrels (Terrorist Squirrels), specially trained by the Japanese branch of Al Qaeda. Unlike Terrorist Squirrels, most squirrels work with their mind by planning the bear invasion. They also are have been planning how they are going to take the government from the party established by God. In order to achieve their goals, squirrels have been reinforcing treats with democratic politicians. Their most important representative at Congress nowadays is Nancy Pelosi.
Unlike Republicans, Americans, or Christians, most squirrels are tree-hugger-vegetarians, which is one of the main reasons they are going to Hell. Although their diet can vary among the regions of the country or the different kinds of squirrels, their diet usually consists of nuts, grains, carrots, and organic soy milk. Many Californians, however, claim to have seen squirrels eating Mexican food and speaking Spanish in many locations south of Sacramento. If confirmed by biologists, this could be a new specie of squirrel, the Sciuridae Mexicanis.
The most common species of squirrels are:
- '''Sciurus homossexualis''''''' - Usually found in the habitats around San Francisco; this type of squirrel has a long history of voting Democrat. They are easly seen due to their unnatural love for their purple fur
- '''Sciurus communistus''''''' - This type of squirrel, very spread throughout the country, is the result of squirrels that lived in Canada for some time and were infected by their free health care.
- '''Sciurus ursinus''''''' - While not very common, this kind of squirrel has been presenting a growing rate of proliferation. They are the result from unions with bears.
- '''Sciurus kaintukianus''''''' - Found throughout the Commonwealth of Kentucky, this common squirrel has two subspecies, known in the local idiom as "Lookin' At Squirrels" and "Eatin' Squirrels".
- '''Sciurius mexicanus''''''' - Although not yet confirmed by biologists, many people affirm to have seen this species of squirrel in many locations south of Sacramento, CA. S. mexicanus are characterized by their taste for mexican food and their extraordinary ability to speak Spanish.
- Sciurus Kamikaze- These are the most violent and deadly squirrels of all. They have been tamed and trained by Zidel Fastro, leader of the Council of Doom, to be very fast, accurate assassins. Their numbers are small only about 5000 in the world. They all live in the forests of Washington state unless they are on a mission. They eat human flesh and peanuts. They are easy to spot in the snow with their bright red stripe going down their nose. Right before they strike, they make a brain-rattling screech and then rip the heads off their victims. They leave no evidence and are back home within a matter of hours.
Flying Squirrels Edit
Although they are called squirrels, zoologists believe they are from a different family from regular squirrels. Flying squirrels can be found in some liberal sections of North America and in The Liberal Continent that is Going to Hell!
There is no certainty about the origin of flying squirrels. Liberals, inspired by Satan and Darwin's magical wand, believe that it can be explained by the Theory of Evolution. Christians know that they were not created by God, and that they were probably brought to Earth secretly by aliens in order to help Tom Cruise in his religious task.
Squirrel Supporters Edit
- Tom Cruise
- Gay Bears
- Al Franken
- Hugo Chavez
- L. Ron Hubbard
- Time Magazine
- Nancy Pelosi
- Keith Olbermann
- Sierra Club
- There are rumors that Sciuridae Communistus actually eat babies.
- Squirrel meat seems to be very appreciated in Kentucky. The consumption of squirrel brains, however, has diminished in popularity among more urbanite Kentuckians since Doctors have warned of a link between this "delicacy" and Mad Cow Disease. Perhaps they should change the name to "Mad Squirrel Disease"???
- In Canada squirrels are black. They probably are Sciuridae Ursidae, the result of an unnatural union between squirrel and bears.
- Canada is a country infested by squirrels. They are there because Canada is the where bears originated.
- College campuses usually have squirrels because many college students are either democratic, gays, or communists.
- About 78% of Americans have already suffered some kind of accident caused by squirrels.
- The males are gay because they like "nuts".
- Squirrel Army desecrates our troops' tombs!!!
- Squirrel Meat is good for your health!
- Squirrel invades Series of Tubes
- Flying Squirrels invades Japan
|Squirrel is in Wikiality's Animal Perdition
This horrid beast will spend eternity wandering the vitriolous wastelands of Utah.