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Sons of ThunderEdit
The Sons of Thunder were Jesus' three best friends (Mark 3:17). Their names were Peter, James and John. Until Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh, they were the only real, Christian men who teamed up and kicked ass for America. And until Stephen Colbert, Joseph Smith and Robert Cornhole, the Sons of Thunder were the only men who had been trained by Jesus in strengthening the gut and listening to its counsel.
Jesus finds his friendsEdit
When Jesus decided it was time to bring the thunder, to make freedom and to build America, he knew he had to find a few guys who could really kick ass. He found them out on a big lake in what's now the second best country in the world: Israel. They were sailing one of the warships in Israel's ancient navy, hunting bear-fish and shooting birds with the first guns ever. Jesus walked out on the water to greet them. "Come," Jesus said. "Train with me." And after looking at Jesus they looked at one another. "If anybody knows how to kick ass," they decided. "It's this guy." And glory hallelujah, were they right!
Sons of Thunder Get FitEdit
Jesus first trained the Sons of Thunder in mountain climbing. And when Jesus told them they weren't allowed to wear boots or gloves when they climbed they didn't care because they weren't gay enough to want to wear that kind of stuff anyway. Jesus' technique for climbing mountains was prayer, but this confused the Sons of Thunder. "How will prayer get us up the mountain?" they asked, for they doubted their guts. And Jesus said: "Prayer speaks to the invisible hand. The invisible hand will take us up there, make us strong and make us rich." And then lightning struck and they were on the mountain.
On the mountain, Jesus got right to work. He uprooted a large tree, halved it on his knee and then threw part of it on the ground for a weight bench. Peter, being the manliest, laid on it and Jesus said to John and James: "Men, give that man a spot." The two got behind the bench while Jesus picked up a big ass boulder and threw it on Peter. The boys got to lifting.
Even though Peter, James and John were the strongest men in the world, Jesus was a strict trainer and he was tiring his men. "Why are we working out so much?" they asked. And Jesus said: "Stop being girls. God has a plan for the world and its called freedom. And the only way it happens is America. And the only way America happens is if we bring the thunder. And so now I'm going to call you the Sons of Thunder so that we can build America." If Peter's loin cloth hadn't been tough leather, his erection might have been visible. But whether or not anyone saw it, the Sons of Thunder born.
The Sons of Thunder and AmericaEdit
It took Jesus and the Sons of Thunder some eighteen hundred years to build America. Their obstacles were always either Muslims, Jews, gay people, proto-nazis or godless Kings who forgot how lifting weights and frequent prayer kept the invisible hand in one's favor. But finally, and perhaps with a little help from Robert Cornhole, the Sons of Thunder built America. And had Jesus not seen Peter tearing up and quickly bitch-slapped him, that strongest Son of Thunder may well have wept when the Washington Monument went up.
Today a lot of people have quit lifting weights the right way and they think things like Pat Robertson's Protein Pancakes or Shakes don't make you tough, Christian or American. These people are either girls, gays, Jews, Muslims, activist judges, scientists with an agenda or liberal intellectuals who are both girls and gay. They want to say that the Sons of Thunder aren't real and that the invisible hand doesn't exist. And worse, they want to say that Jesus isn't American. But thanks to Ronald Reagan, Bush the first and the Greatest President Ever, people know why the Bible was written in English and why Jesus' best friends were named after thunder. But perhaps the greatest threat to America remains that the Bible hasn't yet been translated into American. Cornhole-probers at The Center for Advanced Cornhole Studies in Atlanta, Georgia have called upon all students at The Robert Cornhole Bible College of Killbuck, Ohio to make this a foremost task, behind prayer of course. And if there is any doubt that Jesus' work-out routines are a sham, the following photographs are evidence to the contrary.