Sir Isaac Newton studies science-related stuff,
guaranteeing him a one-way ticket straight to hell.

Isaac geekin' it old school

Sir Isaac Ted Lange "Fig" Newton, PRS, (January 4, 1643 – March 31, March 1727) was an English physicist, mixologist, mathematician, astronomer, racecar driver, alchemist, and all-around ladies' man, and is considered by many scholars and members of the geek patrol to be one of the most influential people in human history ("He just had a way with words," humans alive at the time recalled).

His Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica (Latin for "I'mma Let You Finish, but Beyonce Had One of the Best Videos of All Time"), published in 1687, is one of the most important scientific books ever written (second only to Seuss' opus One Fish, Two Fish). In this work, Newton made math his bitch, calling out universal gravitation and declaring the three laws of motion; Up And Down Over The Head Firmly But Vigorously, Work The Shaft, and Cradle The Balls. These laws dominated the scientific view of the physical universe for the next three centuries.

In his off time, he invented what has become known as Gravity. Newton observed an apple falling from a tree and wrote in his journal "What a sight! It occurs to me that an apple, if viewed from a particular angle, looks remarkably similar to a ladies bottom!" After pinching a series of apple-bottomed girls, Newton was punched in the face, and fell to the pavement. Lying in the gutter amid the horse feces, Newton pondered the forces causing him to adhere to the ground.

Newton was also a deeply religious man. He is known to have used the Book of Daniel to calculate the end of the world, and you know he'd be accurate since he was the one who created Calculus.

He also invented the Fig Newton. An alchemist, Newton was known for the desserts that he would bring to alchemists' pot luck suppers. Recipes of his previous attempts (pork Newtons, Isaac in a cup, Newton fondue) have been lost to the ages, as were many who dared eat them ("I call it Calculus - the secret ingredient is mercury!"). It is often speculated that Newton was blind, deaf, and had no sense of smell and therefore did not know that he had chosen figs. He also correctly realized meteors were actually space apples.


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