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America thanks you, Shoplifting

Normally Stephen would disapprove of committing a crime, but Shoplifting is a victimless crime. It is the act of "borrowing" something(s) from a healthy, profitable store (that probably wont even know it's missing) for an extended period of time. In today's economy, shoplifting is becoming more and more prevelant as a means for parents struggling to make end's meet to stretch their dollar.

Katrina looters


Shoplifting should never be done for political reasons regardless of how many Mom and Pop Stores it may or may not have put out of business. And even if you do, you wont be making much of a political statement, because Walmart no longer cares if you shoplift!!

How Not To Get CaughtEdit

DramaticQuestionMark Did you know...

shoplifting doesn't hurt anyone?

If no one sees you shoplifting, is it really a crime? Here are some tips to ensure your success:

  • Be White. Assuming the store security isn't race blind, it is a plus if you are white. Statistically white people are less likely to steal, and thus draw less suspicion, which enables them to steal at a higher rate than every other racial group, excluding hispanic females. But being non-white can have its advantages too, especially if you are shoplifting in a dim-lit store.
  • Shoplift in packs, there is strength in numbers. United States Navy merchant ships in World War II quickly learned that traveling alone was a quick way to get sunk by the Nazis. But if they traveled in packs, the Germans would not have enough torpedoes to sink all of them at once, and some would escape. Think of yourself as a merchant ship, would you like to shoplift by yourself or in a convoy?
  • Always buy something. Who is going to suspect someone who purchases something? No one! It will be much more suspicious if you were to walk out of the store without buying something. Also it doesn't hurt to greet any employee you see in the store.
  • Learning Magic and the slight of hand could be easiest way to become a master shoplifter. If you can pull a rabbit out of a hat, you can easily conceal four iPods in your rectum without pulling down your pants. Also, Jedi mind tricks work miracles.
  • If all else fails Run like Hell! Run like a you are a liberal dodging the draft (also do not stop until you are in Canada).

How To Shoplift: A PrimerEdit

Shoplifting can only remain a victimless crime if the shoplifter can avoid jail time.

Persons interested in the exciting life of shoplifting should familiarize themselves with common shoplifting procedures.

Preparing For ShopliftingEdit

Step #1: Practice

Many people believe that shoplifting is spontaneous, some even consider it a disease, while others feel that it is a calling.

Whichever school of thought you subscribe to, a good shoplifter has to hone his craft before the big show.

Some suggestions for working one's way up the shoplifting food chain are:

  • taking items from your mom's house
  • stealing from your friends
  • taking candy from children
  • lifting medications from Alzheimer's patients

Step #2: Case The Joint

This is gang-talk for "research." People who shoplift may be assholes, but that doesn't mean they want to be sent to prison.

Some of the things shoplifters look for when they case a joint are:

  • know the shoplifting policies of the lucky targeted business[1]
  • quality of the available merchandise
  • lack of surveillance cameras
  • which shift the dumbass clerks work

Step #3: Dress Appropriately

Every good shoplifter must keep in mind that merchandise to be absconded must be able to be concealed in his outfit. Therefore, unless large overcoats are common, the shoplifter must consider how successful his shoplifting career would be with a trench coat-less outfit.

One of the easiest ways for a shoplifter to avoid suspicion is by not wearing a trench coat during a heatwave. Oddly enough, this is also true for flashers.

Options would be to move where the climate is cold, shoplift during the winter months or only liberate items that will fit in your pockets.

Step #4: Check Weather & Traffic

A shoplifting adventure is only successful if the getaway is successful, so shoplifters must know what the weather forecast is for the day (for a getaway on foot) or what the traffic conditions are in the case of a vehicular escape.

Step #5: Know The Law

Be certain you know what the consequences are of video evidence, an attentive staff or a company that pays for security. Know how much merchandise would constitute a misdemeanor an how much would constitute a felony. And what the statute of limitations are for both.

Memorize the number of a good attorney.

The Actual ShopliftingEdit

After following the sacred pre-shoplifting rituals listed above, the shoplifter must follow the tips outlined in the "How Not To Get Caught" section of this article (above).


Shoplifting is only successful if there are no victims, including the shoplifter himself, so a good getaway is essential.

However, a good getaway doesn't end until the statute of limitations does. Check with your local law enforcement officials to be sure when the statute of limitations run out and remember not to brag about it until after that date.

By following these simple steps, your career as a shoplifter will be a long and successful one.

Good luck!

Notable Shoplifters In HistoryEdit

Shoplifting seagull
  • Akira the Dog - This 11-year-old Siberian Husky went on a shoplifting spree in late 2008 taking rawhide bones from grocery stores near Salt Lake City, Utah.
  • Robin Hood of Nottinghamshire - Robin Hood is prime example of someone who had a political agenda while shoplifting. His stealing from the rich and giving to the poor was another method of Spreading The Wealth Around.
  • Winona Ryder - Winona Ryder inadvertantly became the most famous case of shoplifting in the 21st Century when unpaid articles of clothing were found near her as she exited a store. She was later cleared of all charges when it was discovered that her breasts are so large that they create their own gravitational pull, and the items in question were actually in orbit of the twin bodies.
  • George Clooney and Brad Pitt - These two Hollywood actors were able to steal $150 million dollars from the Bellagio Casino in Las Vegas. Unfortunately he two were unable to enjoy their winnings because retard Matt Damon spent all $150 million on one seat (upper deck) of New York Yankees season tickets.
  • Sam the Seagull - Dr. Colbert isn't the only one who likes Doritos. A British seagull named "Sam" has been entering stores almost daily and walking out with delicious Nacho-Cheese Doritos.[2]

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