Sheets are thin fabric bed coverings that can be used to indicate one's nearness to God.
The best kind of sheets are white sheets. Obviously, the color white symbolically stands for all that is pure, righteous, holy, sacred, Godly, worthwhile, virginal, and good in this world; therefore, you want to wrap yourself in this symbolic whiteness in order to be equally good.
Sheets and SexEdit
Everyone knows that you should not have sex before marriage. Do not try to use your sheets to cover up sinful acts! God can see right through your sheets with his X-ray vision, and the misuse of linens makes The Baby Jesus cry. Your sheets should be kept totally free of all personal fluids until your wedding night, at which time your sheets will demonstrate your commitment to the proper maintenance of your virginality. At this time, clean sheets are an abomination, and a clear indication of Satan's intervention in earlier sheeted activities.
Sheets in the (K)nightsEdit
Historically, another popular use for white sheets has been costuming. Children often use sheets as the basis for the traditional "ghost" costume when Trick-or-Treating on Halloween. While strict interpretations of sheet use frown on the ghost costume because of the tendency to deface the sheet with eyehole cuts, most Americans see this "all in good fun" and allowable as a candy-generating activity.
More Godly in both intent and execution is the "Grand Knight" costume. This traditional white sheeter leaves the entire fabric intact and can be worn on any night of the year by adults as well as children. Generally, the "Knight" costume looks best when backlit from a natural source of illumination, such as a fire.
- ↑ Especially as it requires your Mom to do more laundry, when she should be spending that time attending to your Dad's needs between their sheets. Think about that the next time you feel like getting fresh with yourself.
- ↑ For boys, dreams don't count. You cannot help that. God forgives you; just clean it up.
- ↑ If "you" are the woman. If you are the man, the sheets will demonstrate your superior skills in selecting wife-property and your ability to manage it well.