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Don't forget to watch the upcoming Scooter movie!

A review by the staff at

First ImpressionEdit

Never before has a real-life story indifferently asked for a screen adaptation. And director Antoine Fuqua eerily captures the simmering tensions and palpable sense of injustice in what will ultimately be remembered as a mild turn in the thrill-ride that is the Dubya administration.

But surely Fuqua's most impressive achievement has been persuading most of the real-life individuals involved to portray themselves on camera. This feat was accomplished via a number of cunning bribes: shotgun shells (Cheney); a crate of Krispy Kreme donuts (Rove); a shiny object (Bush); the unblemished soul of a small child (one each for Pelosi and Novak); a manicure (Plame); and of course a pack of smokes for prison trading (Libby).

All of the cast perform splendidly on the silver screen. But the special guest appearance of Stephen Colbert, as a young and nubile Tek Jansen, is worthy of special praise. His eloquent finale speech, while simultaneously defeating an army of liberal hopped-up terrorists, brought tears to the eyes to many at the premiere. Although Rove's chronic flatulence might have also been a factor.

The SettingEdit


Nancy Pelosi: could there be a more deadly enemy?

The movie is primarily set amid the bright lights of Washington D.C., circa 2003. In a time now considered to be halcyon days, the Republican Party dominated the nation's toilet seat of power with daring and visionary policies. Dubious terrorist internment camps and bridges to nowhere protected the country from the dual threats of liberalism and terrorism. Truly, elephants were men, and mule's were hookers.

A secondary scene is San Francisco - better known as Sodom FranGomorrah. While the main story arc plays out in D.C., the viewer is occasionally taken back to San Fran, where a bald Nancy Pelosi sits in her swivel chair stroking her kitty, while plotting to destroy the noble Republicans.

The PlotEdit


An early scene in which Scooter is briefed on the Wilson crisis. Note Colbert in the background, stealing the scene.

The movie starts with Richy Haliburton, the influential Vice President of America Inc., being caught off-guard during a public ceremony by the dulcet tones of Brian Wilson. The surfer hippyesque tune reminds Richy of his military service during the Vietnam War (spent traumatically filing one military deferment after another in Wyoming). In a personal first, he feels a strange emotion known as guilt and is photographed crying. The trauma and public attention leaves Richy wheelchair bound and bent on revenge.

Vice President Haliburton conspires (and perspires) with his colleagues to frame Wilson's wife Calorie Blame for a scandalous crime. But word of the plot leaks out, thanks to the incompetant comedy duo of Robert Noscrupples and Armitage Shanks. In order to cover their own tracks, these two blame our innocent hero for the crime.

Convinced that he was betrayed by his neo-con chums, Libby escapes the merciless liberal media and swears vengeance. Armed only with Haliburton's shotgun and a few half-eaten pretzels, Libby begins hunting down his prey like they are 78 year-old shooting buddies.

In a thrilling finale, Libby is chased by the liberal media, tortured by the mercliess Patrick Fitzgerald (who is secretly being controlled by the evil Dr. Po), and forced to listen to Noscrupples' tedious and painful confession in front of a bunch of flatulent old men. Finally he corners his former mentor Colonel Karl Klink, but is persuaded of his innocence by the noble Colbert. Enlightened, he imprisons Noscrupples and Armitage Shanks in a small cell, with no company except each other.

The CastEdit


Scooter Libby: the all-action hero!

  • Scooter Libby playing a totally different character who just happens to have the same name and appearance.
  • Karl Rove as Colonel Karl Klink, Scooter's jovial and generally incompetent mentor, whose lust for power is surpassed only by his lust for Twinkies.
  • Valerie Plame plays Calorie Blame, the wholesome housewife who becomes the unwitting center of a massive conspiracy theory.
  • Robert Novak as Bobbie Noscrupples, the sleazy traitor who exposes Blame and then frames Scooter for a crime he did not commit.
  • Dick Cheney portrays Vice President Richy Haliburton, Scooter's wheelchair-bound boss who is in control of everything except his bladder.
  • Joe Wilson portrays Brian Wilson, Blame's hippy husband whose haunting surfer-dude harmonies enrage Richy Haliburton and cause him to expose Blame's shamefully over-cooked pie in retaliation.
  • George W. Bush as Haliburton's naive and eager-to-please sidekick.
  • Stephen Colbert as a young Tek Jansen Klink's honest and all-action macho bodyguard.
  • Patrick Fitzgerald as the diligent but misguided special agent assigned to hunt down Scooter.
  • Nancy Pelosi as Dr. Po, the sinister puppet-master who secretly controls Fitzgerald through liberal brainwashing and the promise of San Francisco sourdough.
  • Richard Armitage as Armitage Shanks, a deputy secretary, and the Oliver Hardy to to Novak's Stan Laurel.

Review SummaryEdit

ABall1ABall1ABall1ABall1ABall1: I give this movie 5 Balls for having the guts to stand up to the liberal media, and portray Dick Cheney as the soft-hearted, kind old man we all know he really is.

BEARsqu BEARsqu BEARsqu: I give this movie 3 Bears, and I name them Larry, Curly, and Po. Seeing Dr. Po scuttle back to Sodom FranGomorrah without repercussions, and Noscrupples and Shanks not get fully scalped by the blade of truthiness made for a bit of an anti-climax. But they're probably just preparing for a sequel.

See AlsoEdit

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