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Commonly known as the jolly fat man Santa Claus brings presents down chimney chutes and eats cookies and drinks milk while at your house. Also known for his "list" of who he declares "good" or "bad".
This page was made to bust all those myths.
"He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. Ke knows if you've been bad or good..." -Santa...the ultimate stalker.
All You Need To Know About SantaEdit
Santa Claus, yes, he is real, sees you when you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good, for goodness' sake. Only George W. Bush is allowed to have such powers.
Efforts To Co-opt ChristmasEdit
It is believed that Santa Claus took over the position of representative of Christmas from a good natured Christian saint by the name of Nicholas. St. Nicholas, in the good spirit of capitalism, ran a sweat shop in the North Pole, where there is an abundant elf workforce and no minimum wage (as Jesus intended). Toys made in this location were sold to Wal-Mart and had a disturbing lack of lead and antifreeze in them. Eventually the proximity to Canada and Soviet Russia, or possibly the 20 hour workdays (The sun never sets up there, and sunlight should be used) led to the communist uprising of the elves. The new leader of “The Elves Democratic Republic of the North Pole” (or NAMBLA) was titled “Comrade Premier Santa Claus”. Comrade Santa began working on Weapons of Mass Destruction, to deliver by flying sleigh to Saddam Hussein for a Ramadan present (Don’t tell him: It’s supposed to be a surprise!). This plot was interrupted by Operation Iraqi Freedom, however, and there are still believed to be stockpiles of Nucular toys present at the north pole.
Comrade Santa is now believed to be aiding his former Soviet allies in claiming the North Pole. The modified ICBM Submarine “Rudolf II” was responsible for planting a Russian flag at the bottom of the ocean, despite what the liberal media says.
Connections To CommunismEdit
Close investigation have revealed Santa's status as a continued member and loyal supporter of the Communist Party. Note the red clothing, his commune operating out of the Arctic region and a legion of workers who are all the exact same size... The toys are a mirage, acting as the covert propaganda of the proletariat- protect our children.
SANTA is actually an acronym for a top-secret government facility which monitors the world. It stands for Slothy Americans Nagging Truthy Americans. The operators of SANTA are members of an evil liberal organization. They monitor the world for truthiness so that they might send their marijuana-powered jet bombers to destroy it. All because liberals simply can't handle the truth. Well, Stephen Colbert is here to give it to them.
Santa's Criminal RecordEdit
Also, all of Santa's air travel is in direct violation of American law, which puts "Santa" (if that's his real name, anyway) on the No Fly List. His name is sandwiched between Richard Reid and Cat Stevens (see terrorist). There is also talk he uses "magic" to fly around the entire world in one night, which is merely a lie created by the liberal media (see also terrorist). This is only possible with American technology, and America does not help Santa Claus. However, malls in liberal Communist strongholds such as Madison allow Santa Claus to convene with our nation's children, thus exposing our children to heinous Communist abuses such as the abuse of good American reindeer.[]
Connections To SatanEdit
It is no coincidence that if you shuffle around the letters a tiny bit with the word "Santa", you get the word Satan. That's right kids, Satan is systematically destroying the true-meaning of Christmas, and that is: The Baby Jesus. Under a mask of an anesthetically pleasing costume, rosy cheeks, and a belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly, Satan is entering the homes of many helpless and lost Americans.
The Santa ArmyEdit
How does a guy as fat as Santa fit it a chimney? Magic, the same force the made the universe. How do his reindeer fly? Magic, the same force that made Adam and Eve. How does he get presents to every kid in the world? I have no idea. You're on your own for that one, Santa Clause.
His Sham MarriageEdit
Think about it, a grown old man living with a bunch of juvenile effeminate male elves in the far distant North Pole where no on can see what they are doing nor judge him for his lifestyle. If it wasn't for Misses Claus people would think he was gay.
Outsourcing Labor to the North PoleEdit
To save from the cost of production and running an expensive polluting magical factory, Santa decided to hire seasonal, non-union, undocumented, illegal Guatemalan children to do all of the labor.
Fighting World War II: Hitler, You Have Been Naughty This year!Edit
Everyone knows that Nazis are not only naughty but they dont believe in Santa Claus. Or at least they used to until Santa kicked their Nazi collective asses.