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Salt is the original spice.
What Is Salt?Edit
Salt is a most delicious spice in existence, scraped off the side of Stephen Colbert the ultimate evolution and source of American Salt in existance and put into shakers. Coming as it does from the source of pure awesome-ness it the ultimate weapon against the enemies of America, causing it to burn their skin until they shrivel up and die (For real, not in the whiny, attention-seeking way). Thus this is our ultimate weapon against our enemies and spies.
Where Can Salt Be Found?Edit
Salt can be found only in America. If it is not American Salt, then it is pseudo-salt and thus not as truthiness or good as American Salt. One of the best American Salts is American Sea Salt used in Campbell's soup. But the Soup Nazis who hate America use pseudo-salt and sometimes even spike the salt they sell or use with LSD or even worse stuff like terrorism, communism, EU national socialism, and anti-American Kool-Aid to brainwash people into American hating zombies.
Not all salt is equal and some more equal than others, and some not as equal as others. But the evil salt is called sodium and found in most food as Anti-Americans like Ronald McDonald (AKA Rotten Ronnie the Ginger, Evil Clown who tricks kids via fake magic tricks and 'Happy Meals' with a free plastic toy made in China, not the USA, and food loaded with sodium, the evil version of salt, that causes water retention and fat cells to keep growing. His second job is in the WWE as the Celtic Warrior Poet and Wrestler Shamus.) so beware this sodium form of salt and only use American Salt instead if you want to lose weight and keep your freedoms. McDonald's Obamized the BigMac to promote it to make Americans fatter by eating more of the BigMac. But only the Colbert Burgers use real American Salt, the good salt, the healthy salt.
How Does Salt Get to My Dinner Table?Edit
Our Founding fathers like Ben Franklin were servant-leaders who delivered American Salt to Americans for free and put it on their dinner table. Ben Franklin invented Kosher Salt for Judaism that is a brand of American Salt that is Kosher. Ben Franklin developed the salt Sumo Wrestlers throw around the ring for good luck by taking American Salt and turning it into Japanese-American Salt for Sumo Wrestlers. Later on Sue Morton would take Ben Franklin's recipies and make her own American Salt named Morton's Salt and a picture of her as a little girl with an umbrella and a can of Ben Franklin's American Salt that inspired her to make her own brand. Many others copied this and now American Salt can be found in almost any store and you can buy it and put it on the dinner table yourself.
How Salt Shaped American PoliticsEdit
In 1840, William Henry Harrison, a real meat-eating American challeneged the incumbent, a real girlyman named Martin Van Buren, for the White House. During his term as President, Van Buren had pussified the office, going so far as to allowing a Frenchman to to be official White House chef, saying:
"I prefer my meals prepared by someone who knows how to cook food, not some slob who gets by on hard cider and salted, raw beef."
For the campaign, Harrison promised to bring American values and American food back to America's Presidency, responding to Van Buren's elitism by saying:
"I get by on hard cider and salted raw beef"
America was moved by Harrison's down-to-earth earnestness, many stating that they would rather have a drink of hard cider with Harrison than Van Buren.
Harrison was elected and celebrated his victory by eating The Original Sir Loin-A-Lot, a 256 ounce hunk of salted beef, which he promptly choked on and died from 30 days later.
How Salt Has Been Depicted Throughout HistoryEdit
Americans see Salt as freedom, rights, and liberties given to them by Nature's God according to the Declaration of Independence where our founding fathers wrote it. Many Anti-Americans and Americans who hate America also hate American Salt and use Nazi Salt or Communist Salt instead that is not as good. But our hero Stephen Colbert is making his own version called Colbet's American Salt that is so full of truthiness, freedoms, liberties, and rights and also blessed by God, Jesus, The Buddha, and others, so that it can be used as a weapon against monsters like vampires, zombies, werewolves, Twilight Fans, Lost Fans, 40+ year old transhumanist virgins who live in their mother's basement and make up the majority of bloggers on the Internet and Wikipedia admins and users, Nazis, Communists, European Soccer Fans, Terrorists, and even people who don't love American Salt and Stephen Colbert as well.
Yes throughout history salt has evolved and changed many times. One version of American Salt became named as John Salt thus he published a free and open sourced eBook warning us of everything that may happen the ultimate evolution of salt is of course Stephen Colbert but John Salt is only half as evolved as Steven Colbert is or will ever be.