Salem Witch Trials

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The Salem Witch Trials were America's first OJ Trial. Unlike the OJ trial, which was a sham run by black friendly Hollywood media elites, the Salem Witch Trials were real trials were justice was served with a side of maize. By all accounts, the trials were successful; The Salem Witch Trials ferreted out witchcraft from the Colonies, permanently ridding Salem, and the rest of God's nation, of evil eyes, boiling cauldrons, and frisky farmer's daughters.

A multitude of books claim that the trials occurred in 1692. Nevertheless, the exact year of the Trials is open for debate.


Witches being burnt

Life in Colonial AmericaEdit

Life in colonial America consisted of old fashioned, know it when you see it, hard work. The work ranged from raising a barn to knitting tight fitting bodices. Aye, this was a time when everyone wore a hat and suspenders, had a bearded brother named Jedediah, was an evangelical Christian, and hunted Indians (feather) with a blunderbuss. The streets were muddy, the inns ale-y, and the 14-year-olds fair game.

Religious Life in 1692Edit

Despite the presence of witches, 1692 was a better, more pious, time than today. For instance, in spite of our modern amenities, going to church for most second millennium Americans happens twice per year (once for the birth of the Baby Jesus and once for the decidedly miraculous resurrection of the Baby Jesus). But back then, in the Great Ol' Days, these hardscrabble people would grind the dirt out of their pores weekly, get gussied up in their finest flax suit, and drive the mule team into town to worship God and carouse with the neighbors.

After services, and before the typical Sunday lollygagging, the tomfoolery occured. For this tomfoolery, the townsfolk/churchfolk would use dousing rods to determine who among them had the most impure thoughts the week prior, would then forcibly seize this person, put him into the town stocks, and the event would culminate when the town tossed a cornucopia of rotten fruit and animal carcasses at said sinner. In Salem, this was normally a certain foolish guy named Tom, hence the term "tomfoolery."


Legal Procedures in Colonial AmericaEdit

The TrialsEdit

The trials were simple affairs. There were two primary tests of witches.

  • "Do you burn when we set you on fire?" This one was often the most amusing to watch (and smell).
  • "Innocent until proven amphibious." If you lived through this, you're a witch, if you died, ooops!

The AccusersEdit

The AccusedEdit

The WitnessesEdit

The RulingsEdit

Witch Trials in Modern AmericaEdit

Because the original Salem Witch Trials delivered our almighty country from the scourge of witches, there are no witches in America and thus there have been no modern witch trials. All we mere moderns have are the writings of leftist secular freethinkers portraying a skewed reality of the most important period of American history. For instance, known communist Arthur Miller wrote a play about the trials called The Crucible, in which he used the insidious power of stilted dialogue and bad sets to insinuate that the trials were a bad thing, that the Satanic whores so righteously burned were innocent, and that these supposed excesses were comparable to those of Joseph McCarthy. (In all fairness, McCarthy did bear a resemblance to a certain Goody Badwife.)

See AlsoEdit

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