Al Franken
Russians has earned

The people who live on a forested glacier covering a fifth of the planet, also known as Russia. They drink excessive amounts of Vodka, play hockey, and wrestle bears. Russians, often colloquially called "Russkies", are notorious for their vicious and temperamental personalities. Like bears.


Alien Smuggling Dolls

The Russian government has a history of smuggling illegal Russian aliens into other countries by hiding small people inside larger people. Inside those small people, there are even smaller people. Inside those smallest people, there may be a magic egg or something.

A proximity of closer than 20 yards to a Russian is not recommended, unless you are Jesus, Chuck Norris, or James Bond

Alcohol ConsumptionEdit

Russians consume ludicrous amounts of alcohol, Vodka in particular, as their main drink. For the majority of the human race, water is the main drink. As a result of evolution and their life-spanning binge of drinking, Russian's bodies are estimated to be made up of between 70% and 115% alcohol. Russians cannot be defined as alcoholics, because they exceed the limitations of the definition. Because of the enormous quantity of alcohol consumed, Russians have built up a genetic tolerance to alcohol, Official police records have confirmed that Russians have been pulled over with a blood alcohol level of upwards of .96% and were completely sober.( in relation to normal humans, to whom .30% is considered comatose, and upwards of .40% is considered absolutely fatal.) Russians drink even more then the Irish.

For this reason, Russians are naturally repellent of all bugs. Bugs are smart enough not to drink Russian blood, because there isn't enough blood in the alcohol.

In the United States, many immigrant Russians have filed lawsuits against bars for having to consume the bar's entire stock to achieve a "buzz". Those communists are never happy...


Russian women are, as a rule, always either insanely obese ugly senile grandmothers, or ridiculously attractive thin girls. No-one has yet figured out the age at which the transformation takes place. It is assumed to be in the early forties.

Famous Russian PeopleEdit

  • Boris Yeltsin
  • Pooty-Poot
  • Ensign Chekov
  • Anna Kournikova
  • Pushkin
  • Tolstoy
  • Joe Stalin

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