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Seeing a member of a royal family is as common as cousins marrying. The peasants and peons see the royal hand waving from inside a carriage or from atop a balcony almost daily.
Meeting the Queen privately, however, is a rare event indeed; few outside the upper echelon of power have the privilege of experiencing. Which is why there is a strict protocol for greeting, speaking and just about anything else you might do in "The Royal Company". Any infraction of proper etiquette will not amuse anyone.
For a better understanding of the behavior expected while in audience with the queen, please read the etiquette and protocols memo below.
From: Mother Bush
To: All White House Staff and Residents
Re: Queen of England's Visit to America
Please note the special changes in the dress code and requirements for sobriety during this special visit.
- no talking with your mouth full
- wear pants in mixed company
- keep the underage boys in Crawford
- do not call for any
- no wrestling, watching of wrestling, or talk about wrestling
- during this visit, Her Majesty is the only person to be addressed as "Queen"
- no prank calling of Boutros Boutros-Ghali (it's been 10 years - his name is not that funny)
- Do not under any circumstances try to give the Queen a neck massage
- No matter how important you feel it is, do not ask her to pull your finger
- Don't talk about
global warming climate changethe weather.
- Do not imply that the Queen is more than two centuries old.
- No winking at the Queen.
- Do not refer to her as "your mother" (or mama)
- Do not ask her to sing "Bohemian Rhapsody" and insist that it is her greatest hit.
- Don't ask Prince Philip anything. Don't even talk to him! And if you hear him referring to "chinkies" or "darkies" just ignore him. He's just eccentric.
- Don't ask the Queen if she's been to London and seen the Queen.
- Do not ask the Queen if she has Prince Albert in a can.
- No string vests, mullets or going topless (especially if you're a woman!)
- Don't mention Diana!
- Don't talk about Camilla!
- Don't mention the criminal convictions of her sister, Ann Princess Royal.