Royal Etiquette

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Seeing a member of a royal family is as common as cousins marrying. The peasants and peons see the royal hand waving from inside a carriage or from atop a balcony almost daily.

Meeting the Queen privately, however, is a rare event indeed; few outside the upper echelon of power have the privilege of experiencing. Which is why there is a strict protocol for greeting, speaking and just about anything else you might do in "The Royal Company". Any infraction of proper etiquette will not amuse anyone.

For a better understanding of the behavior expected while in audience with the queen, please read the etiquette and protocols memo below.



From: Mother Bush

To: All White House Staff and Residents

Re: Queen of England's Visit to America

Please note the special changes in the dress code and requirements for sobriety during this special visit.

  1. no talking with your mouth full
  2. wear pants in mixed company
  3. keep the underage boys in Crawford
  4. do not call for any hookers massages
  5. no wrestling, watching of wrestling, or talk about wrestling
  6. during this visit, Her Majesty is the only person to be addressed as "Queen"
  7. no prank calling of Boutros Boutros-Ghali (it's been 10 years - his name is not that funny)
  8. Do not under any circumstances try to give the Queen a neck massage
  9. No matter how important you feel it is, do not ask her to pull your finger
  10. Don't talk about global warming climate change the weather.
  11. Do not imply that the Queen is more than two centuries old.
  12. No winking at the Queen.
  13. Do not refer to her as "your mother" (or mama)
  14. Do not ask her to sing "Bohemian Rhapsody" and insist that it is her greatest hit.
  15. Don't ask Prince Philip anything. Don't even talk to him! And if you hear him referring to "chinkies" or "darkies" just ignore him. He's just eccentric.
  16. Don't ask the Queen if she's been to London and seen the Queen.
  17. Do not ask the Queen if she has Prince Albert in a can.
  18. No string vests, mullets or going topless (especially if you're a woman!)
  19. Don't mention Diana!
  20. Don't talk about Camilla!
  21. Don't mention the criminal convictions of her sister, Ann Princess Royal.

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