Robert Gates

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White House
Robert Gates
is the cabinet post or job
of the United States of America
Robert Gates
is a Beautiful Republican
God Bless America
Robert Gates
is a Traitor
And will soon feel the wrath of a vengeful Baby Jesus.
Stab in the back?
Or slap in the face?
Robert Gates is one of America's Frenemies.

Former President of Texas A&M, and founder of Microsoft

Former CIA director and Bush-family pal has been picked to replace Donald Rumsfeld. There is no word yet how quickly the Congress will confirm him before Satan's Wife can make the place smell like sulfur.

Confirmation ProcessEdit

Armed Services Committee VoteEdit

In a 24-0 vote the Armed Services Committee immediately confirmed him after he conclusively proved he is not now nor has he ever been Donald Rumsfeld.

When asked by the Committee if the United States is winning the war in Iraq, Gates answered "no." But he also said we are not losing the war in Iraq. So if we are not losing and we are not winning, we must be tying the war in Iraq, and since there are no ties in war, it stands to reason there is no war in Iraq. Mission Accomplished.

Senate VoteEdit

Gates was confirmed as Bush's new bitch go-to-guy by a 95-to-2 Senate vote on December 6, 2006, a date which will live in neither infamy nor memory.

How To Outcrazy Donald RumsfeldEdit

Sec Def Designee Gates may not have the facial muscles required to pull off the exasperated sneer needed to do the job. So Stephen's advice to the incoming Secretary is simple: Send A Message. Show these other countries that you're not afraid to send them a one way ticket to the Stone Age via B-52mail. Just come right out and say:

I am batshit crazy and I will bomb your country into a glass ashtray.

Still want that iPod, Kim Jong Il?

Effect On The Bear UprisingEdit

Obama chose to keep Robert Gates as Secretary of Defense. By doing this, eventually Gates will be Shot in the face by Dick Cheney. After this, Obama will choose Stephen Colbert as Secretary of Defense. Colbert will then use his political power to Challenge the Colbear To a final battle in the roman Colosseum. Colbert will then turn into his alter-ego The Rampaging Colbert and kill the Colbear once and for all.

The ultimate climax of the final battle of the bear uprising.

Being an American Hero, Colbert will Easily win the 2016 Presidential Election, With Mike Huckabee as his Running mate, and as his first order of business,he will have all bears killed in order to make sure a bear uprising never happens again. and we will all live happily ever after.

THE END!!!!!

Like Iraq, this page is UNDER CONSTRUCTION.
And also, like Iraq, may always be under construction.
Thank you for your patience, and children.

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