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Ric Ocasek, a known immortal, is a personal friend of Stephen Colbert and a friend of The Colbert Report. A witness to over 1000 years of human history, he is still best known as the lead singer for the New Wave rock band The Cars from 1976 to 1988, before liberals existed. The Cars most likely found their inspiration from the new wave group Stephen and the Colberts. Today, Ric Ocasek is a patriotic commando operative. His most recent whereabouts have been reported to be Las Vegas, but it seems probable that this is just a ruse to distract the terrorists from his true location, which is probably the San Francisco Zoo, where he is likely freeing Stephen Jr. from his cage with only one large hole in it through which he can fly.
Ric Ocasek was born to Baron Ivokus Ocasek and his bride Mylia of the Waifs on August 14th, 912 AD on the Mediterranean island of Kefalonia. Young Ric spent his formulative years being instructed by father in pagan arts of sorcery: necromancy, pyromancy, hydromancy, catmancy, and lute playing. However, his father was a harsh schoolmaster, forcing him to fight Krakkens, Scyllas, and other lesser titans, causing Ric to flee at the age of 11.
Ocasek lived the next 8 years traveling with a band of Genoan smugglers and falling into various adventures until he met a rather rotund Eastern mystic named Jing-Shu Fu. The two formed a profitable partnership conning Berber chieftans, but Ocasek was eventually betrayed by the fat man and his little monkey, and Ric spent the next 30 years in the dungeon of Sultan Ahmadinejad.
His whereabouts for the next 400 years are unknown, though it is widely thought that he discovered the secret to immortality sometime during this period.
Ocasek resurfaces in the historical record in Saint Anselm's History of the Norman People, where Anselm tells of a shadowy animal charmer in the employ of Duke Phillip of Loungwodenbrige. This lanky foriegner named "Ricc Ocastiek" rallied the Duke's forces and turned the tide at the crucial Battle of Long Wooden Bridge. It is believed that Ric wrote the bulk of the lyrics to his 1980 single "Gimme Some Slack" during the bloody engagement.
Afterwards, Ocasek again disappears from the historical record for another 400 years.
In the late 1940's, Ocasek performed a dangerous ceremony involving Necromancy, Arithmancy, and Tae Kwon Do. Using only the most volatile ingredients including a stick of Plutonium, a dollop of Californium, and his own specially made Uranium QU-46 Explosive Space Modulator, he created something he called a "Norris Unit". This Norris Unit was given artificial intelligence. Ocasek, who would eventually invent the Semiconductor and the Microchip, installed special Fist Fighting Software into his new creation. He then built a powerful fist on a spring mechanism and bolted it to the Norris Unit's chin, covering it with hair so that Ocasek could vanquish enemies stealthily. In the late 1960's, the Norris Unit attained independence from its programming, took the name "Chuck", and went off to seek its fortune as a Chun Kuk Do Sensei. Ocasek is the only person who is deadlier with his fists than Chuck Norris.
Before he was sent to Ohio to save a young Benjamin Orr from obscurity, he personally brought Apollo 13 safely back to Earth.
Ric Ocasek and the Battle of YorktownEdit
Ocasek is next recorded in the journals of General George Washington in the year 1781 during the American Revolutionary War. In early September, French naval forces defeated a British fleet at the Battle of the Chesapeake, cutting off General Cornwallis's supplies and transport. Washington hurriedly moved his troops from New York, and on the road to Yorktown met the mysterious Ocasek leading an army of 8000 Maryland Grey Squirells, and a combined Ocasek-American force of 17,000 men and squirells commenced the siege of Yorktown in early October. Cornwallis's position quickly became untenable, and he surrendered his army on October 19, 1781.
Upon the signing of the Articles of Confederation, Ric Ocasek became a citizen of the Great State of Maryland, and served as its senior senator for 142 years.
Ric Ocasek on Ric Ocasek's Decision to Drop the Atomic Bomb on JapanEdit
"It was the right thing to do."
Ric Ocasek on Ric Ocasek creating New Wave MusicEdit
"Yeah, that was me too."
Ric Ocasek on the Fall of the Berlin WallEdit
"It was in my way"
Ric Ocasek TriviaEdit
- Ric Ocasek can melt your face with a guitar solo that puts those heavy-metal snobs from Europe to shame. Take that, Malmsteen!
- The reason why Ric Ocasek is so unsexy is because he was patriotic enough to transfer his former good looks into Soledad O'Brien.
- Ric's sacrifice for Soledad was rewarded with his marriage to Czechoslovokian überhottie and retired supermodel Paulina Porizkova. Nice going Ric.
- Ocasek is known for his animal magnetism and is called upon for his knowledge of magic by Stephen.
- Ric Ocasek can store raw steak in the hollows of his cheeks. He can also store apples in the hollows of his cheeks, but he only eats steak. Raw steak.
- The Cars actually fired Ric Ocasek because his almost godly aura was making them feel insecure in their own masculinity.
- Ric Ocasek is a skilled marksman who can hit a moving target dead-on from 1000 feet away with a Luger and take down an armored tank with an AK-47 assault rifle, but he doesn't use those pussy weapons because they are not American.
- Ric Ocasek invented the popular 70's rank-out "Get Bent".
- Ric Ocasek nailed all of the The Go-Go's, including Belinda Carlisle.