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Rehabilitation Center

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Stephen scrubs swc
XRayWomanInHeels
The following information on
Rehabilitation Center
has been brought to you by the medical research laboratories of
Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.


A rehabilitation center, or as it's sometimes called, rehab, is the place that you need to go if liberals think you are addicted to anything. They use pain and secret aincent chinese secrets to make you stop.


Thoeries About What Happens At Rehab Edit

Since anyone who goes to a rehabilitation center is sworn to secrecy, the actual methods used to break addiction are unknown. However, there are a number of thoeries on the subject.

The No Thoery Edit

Fictional scientist Dr. No put foreward in a non-existent document that was never released:

"Although I have never been to any of these [rehabilitation] clinics myself, I believe, after years of research, that the clinics refuse to give the patients that which they are addicted to. When the patients succumb to addiction and ask for what they want, the specially trained nurses and doctors do not indulge them. I call this revolutionary action the 'No' reflex, after my own name. It is my ambition to train myself in this behaviour, so that I may stop giving my grandmother foot massages."

When confronted about his non-existence and/or fictional nature, the doctor provided no response. However, it is likely a phenomenon of quantum physics: because this page was written, another parallel universe exists where Dr. No is non-fictional, and he wrote the document quoted above.

The Infomercial Thoery Edit

Although the origin of this thoery is an enigma to the world today, it still remains quite popular in remote parts of California, New Caledonia, and Calgary. The theory consists of the following: Patients make up a live studio audience in the multi-purpose room of the clinic, where washed-up celebreties and/or experts that no one has ever heard of demonstrate just how unbelievably white they can get their clothes after just one cycle in the washing machine. When the audience asks "how on earth do you get it so white?" in unison, the celebrety/expert replies with a wag of the finger "Aincent Chinese Secret!" The theory is incomplete as to how exactly this defeats addiction.

Sheep Gone Astray TheoryEdit

Confession is God's Chosen form of "rehabilitation". However when one denies the Truth of The Lord's Word, one will seek forgiveness and consolation in the solace of a false prophet or other form of soul-saving idol.

People who may or may not have been to rehab Edit

External TubesEdit

Dr. Stephen Shock Asylum7
After a cursory review, the doctor recommends Rehabilitation Center undergo drastic invasive surgery and perhaps a few more medicines.

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