Randy Newman

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Randy Newman
has been a guest of The Colbert Report
and got nailed in the process


Mr. Newman before his golden idol

A singer, songwriter who hires Mexican girls to write his songs for him.

Mr. Newman's songs include:
"It's Money That Matters" and "My Life Is Good"

Mr. Newman has never won a Peabody like Stephen. Mr. Newman is a fan of Stephen's. Stephen told Mr. Newman he was a fan of his, too[1].

Mr. Newman wore a pink shirt to his nailing on October 9, 2006.

The NailingEdit

Mr. Newman writes about the "heartland", yet lives in Hollywood and is a liberal. STRIKE ONE

He researches America on Wikipedophilia. STRIKE TWO

And reads books. STRIKE THREE

PLEASE NOTE: It is at this point Mr. Newman should have been forcibly removed from The Eagle's Nest. However, it is not clear why Stephen allowed the disgraced Newman to remain, possibly to allow the heroes to enjoy the post-nailing celebration, or probably because Bobby screwed up the count.

Then in a defensive move, perhaps to stave off further embarassment for himself, Mr. Newman claimed to "know people", and that he was "from The South" (just like Stephen is)[2].

Mr. Newman desperately continued to try to create some fictional connection with Stephen, but it wasn't going to work, as Stephen reminded Newman that he failed to de-Clooney a script from George Clooney.

No real American would forget to do that.

Stephen read some of the words from one of Mr. Newman's songs[3]
A couple weeks ago
My wife and I
Took a little trip down to
Met this young girl there
We brought her back with us
Now she lives with us
In our home
She cleans the hallway
She cleans the stair
She cleans the living room
She wipes the baby's ass
She drives the kids to school
She does the laundry too
She wrote this song for me



Newman tickles The Colbert Report's ivories.

Inexplicably Stephen asked Mr. Newman to sing. A piano was rolled into The Eagle's Nest and Mr. Newman began to warble:[5]

No one likes us
I don't know why.
We may not be perfect
But heaven knows we try.
But all around even our old friends put us down.
Let's drop the big one and see what happens.

We give them money
But are they grateful?
No they're spiteful
And they're hateful.
They don't respect us so let's surprise them;
We'll drop the big one and pulverize them.

Now Asia's crowded
And Europe's too old.
Africa's far too hot,
And Canada's too cold.
And South America stole our name.
Let's drop the big one; there'll be no one left to blame us.

We'll save Australia;
Don't wanna hurt no kangaroo.
We'll build an all-American amusement park there;
They've got surfing, too.

Well, boom goes London,
And boom Paris.
More room for you
And more room for me.
And every city the whole world round
Will just be another American town.
Oh, how peaceful it'll be;
We'll set everybody free;
You'll have Japanese kimonos, baby,
There'll be Italian shoes for me.
They all hate us anyhow,
So let's drop the big one now.
Let's drop the big one now.

The Heroes applauded after Mr. Newman finished banging his piano.

Then Stephen graciously plugged Mr. Newman's Carnegie Hall concert, on October 11, 2006.



  1. Probably not
  2. But probably not.
  3. "My Life Is Good"(© Copyright 2003 Leo's Lyrics, All Rights Reserved.)
  4. Mr. Newman supports outsourcing.
  5. "Political Science"
    (© Copyright 2003 Leo's Lyrics, All Rights Reserved.)

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