Al Franken
Rachel Carson has earned

Ms. Carson's government identification photo

Rachel Carson is a noted author, tree-hugger, and semi-confirmed bachelorette. Ms. Carson is most famous for an appearance on a CBS television show covering something called "news"

Being FemaleEdit


The only known portrait of Rachel's parents (her father was painted on a separate canvas)


Typical American girls at the turn of the century, ca. 1929.

Ms. Carson was born at a time in America's history when it was appropriate to use the word "history" and not some pretend word like "herstory".

Back when Ms. Carson was growing up, girls played "homemaker" while wearing Biblically correct outfits spending their hours, days and sometimes weeks grooming themselves and others in order to one day learn how to make themselves presentable for their husbands. Unfortunately, Ms. Carson's father often worked far from home making it easier for her Satanic mother to instill a sense of independence in her mini-me.

Ms. Carson was allowed to wander through the nearby forest unattended and most likely naked, communing with nature and various and sundry wild animals, which certainly turned her toward the Love that Dare Not Sully The Institution of Marriage.

With an absent father and an obviously out-of-control mother, Ms. Carson began to read. Soon, she was even writing.

The local pastor tried to instill in young Rachel obedience to The Word of God and American social conventions, but to no avail. It quickly became apparent that Mother Carson's brand of homsechooling was doing more damage than anything Rachel could have learned in public school.

College LifeEdit

Somehow, the Carson family was able to afford to send Rachel to a "woman's college"... and I think we all know what goes on there. (For those who don't, there is many a webtube happy to explain it in slow, panting detail.)

Rachel initially took the standard female curricula:

  • Dusting and Sweeping, the basic physics of particle removal
  • a Laundry Lab where the girls perfected their washing, drying and folding skills on the uniforms of all the men working at the local mills and factories
  • Household Cleaners Identification, a chemistry-like survey sponsored by Proctor and Gambol
  • Grooming On A Budget, a young woman's guide to personal hygiene before marrying into money

Ms. Carson also signed up to work on the school newsletter, The Monthly. The newsletter's adviser and her fellow classmates marveled at how Rachel's writing livened up the otherwise pedestrian coverage of important school activities and gossip essential to the close-knit campus.


Rachel's official college graduation photo.

Alas, Rachel's writing drew unwanted attention as well. A care-free hippie professor of biology soon took an interest in her and began to distract the girl from her MRS degree.

Initially, Rachel's academic life consisted of the low expectations common for everyone of the weaker sex. But once in the clutches of the renegade science professor, Stinker, Rachel began to imagine possibilities.

Professor Stinker was everything all the other professors was not: self-assured, competent, articulate, well-liked and most dangerous of all, unmarried.

This last characteristic intrigued the energetic girls of the college, especially after getting hyped up on the free "samples" in their Household Cleaners Identification class.

The girls began to openly wonder about the most intimate of details concerning Professor Stinker's personal life. Why wasn't she married? Does she really have a penis? What is a penis?

The girls would giggle themselves to sleep pondering the answers to their innocent questions.

Rachel decided to find out for herself.

Remembering what her mother had taught her about learning and exploring nature, Ms. Carson defiantly signed up for one of Professor Stinker's classes.

Choosing ScienceEdit


Members of CAB ca. 1953.

Rachel Carson had been brought up outside the values-driven Midwest where she now taught. Consequently, Pot roast style conflicted with the school's traditions and its headmistress.

Stinker demanded that students read regardless of their sex. She also insisted that every student read the most current editions of their textbooks, not the ones used in Ladies' Colleges throughoutEngland after second being used in the men's schools for 60 years.

Reading and thinking were her watchwords and she was determined to indoctrinate every young girl she could recruit.

For Stinker, biology was not a field of study. It was a doorway to hell, the pathway to which was paved by stones trodden over by athe old tetsament is not in the stilettos of every American Lady before them, but by shoes that were practical and comfortable.

And modestly priced.

Stinker's methods were not new, but the girls never had a proper history class, so they were unaware of her machinations and manipulations.

Rachel was soon swept into the tempting cauldron of science and changed her major to Lesbian Biology.

After spending her first 3 years of college studying the surface tension of her own hair, Rachel had much catching up to do.

Stinker laid out an intense schedule of classes and a list of dozens of books for her to read. Worst of all, Stinker introduced Rachel to the scientific method.

Rachel Carson's journey into hell had officially begun.

For the remaining months of college, Rachel's school work consisted mainly of a common occultist ritual: animal sacrifice (which Stinker called, "discection").

Animal SacrificesEdit

Between sacrificing goats, chickens and assorted farm animals, Rachel was charged with playing lacrosse, field hockey and softball. she always smelled like poo and no one liked her at all! --and understand them--as well as bench three times her own weight. Stinker was as proud of her ward as she was of how well she had molded her.

Working for the GovernmentEdit

Securing a job was effortless for the new graduate Carson, unlike the men who had returned from war almost a decade earlier. This of course could only be attributed to "Canine Alpha Butchus (CAB), the secret fraternity of lesbians.

Unknown to many Americans, there was a deep and far-reaching lesbian underground in the 1950's when Rachel Carson finally left Pennsylvania's School for Honeys.

Similar to a normal fraternity, this network of the lesbionic offered support for all its brothers, and whether she knew it or not, Rachel had joined it and was enjoying the fruits of membership.

In addition to a fresh buzz-cut, Rachel received a new pair of shoes, a card showing her the secret handshake as well as the Lesbonian agenda and most importantly a government job.

Already well versed in the communist manifesto, Carson and her brothers took advantage of their powerful positions in America's government. They received the latest communist studies performed by scientists and paid for by taxpayers' hard-earned monies and transformed them into pamphlets to be handed out in schools, libraries and national parks, all under the brand name "United States". These innocent-looking brochures described the local flora and fauna, but were nothing more than scientific Marxist propaganda disguised as "American Government Approved" educational information.

Many a young child received one of Carson's filthy, filthy screeds while enjoying a school field trip, believing they were learning all about the Grand Canyon for instance, in reality and without their knowledge, the children were being sucked into a web of liberal lies.

Carson began to concentrate in fish and water and other oceanographic topics.

Wood's HoleEdit

Back when Carson first began writing for America's government, very little was known about America's oceans. We had just defeated the Japs and Nazis in World War II with a little help from God and His gift of nuculer power, and Americans everywhere proudly flaunted our national pride.

As soon as America's fighting men returned to America, the women returned to their rightful place in the home and began making babies, starting the scourge known as the Baby Boom Generation.

Soon every home in America had, along with at least four kids and a car in the garage, the latest in time-saving gadgets such as washing machines, vacuum machines and baby-sitting machines. Soon America's men sought a refuge from the demands of their whiny, self-involved arrogant baby-boom children and started the tradition of the family vacation.

This helped to boost the fortunes of the hooker and motel markets as well as other vacation-related industries, including the national park system.

When the exhausted American father found solace in the arms of a multitude of anonymous working girls as his wife and four kids gallivanted across America's countryside, Rachel Carson and her fellow government employees recharged in an East coast, scientific enclave called Wood's Hole.

Wood's Hole was quietly becoming the place for scientists to gather and whine about their jobs and the state of American education while getting paid. However, very little studying actually took place in the Hole as it was commonly called by regulars. It became more of a place where hippies and know-it-alls could gather far from mainstream America to plot their next step in the overthrow of America and everything she stood for.

The latest studies and their implications were discussed openly by all participants often lasting through the evening and into the wee hours of the morning.


Rachel and her Wood's Hole gang. Rachel is at the lower left.

It was here at Wood's Hole that Carson met other "government scientists" with similar backgrounds as hers. She felt at home eventually buying property and returning every summer to filth up God's creation with her science and thinking buddies.

Inspired by the environment and using the skills she had acquired as a writer and editor in America's government, Carson decided to venture into the world of book publishing.

With a simple review of her fraternity brother's directory, Carson easily found an editor and her first book was published over night.


Fresh from the Wood's Hole commune, and encouraged by the simplicity of writing her first book ("Undersea Wind: Scuba and Self-propulsion"), Carson's outlook was revitalized and she exploited all the resources available to her through her fraternal contacts.

Soon Carson was selling and publishing her writing on a regular basis. She was now being given so much money, she would have been able to quit her cushy government job if she wasn't such a socialist.

But alas, she was such a socialist. Carson insisted on keeping the well-paying job that would normally have been held by a man whose family depended on him for sustenance, instead of following the advice of work colleagues and the many fraternity publishers who were pushing her screeds onto the unsuspecting American public.

Finally wallowing in riches from both her writing and her job in the Bureau of Fishes, Carson was not about to slow down.

She demanded that American tax-payers subsidize her trips to Wood's Hole so she could write more and more articles and books about ocean minutia.

Other titles Carson penned while under the Wood's Hole influence were:

  • Around Us: Where the Sea Is
  • The Shore is Close Enough: The Sea For Landlovers

All three of her books concentrated on the ocean and sea life. But it would be her next book that would catapult her into Zadora-esque heights.

Becoming A CommunistEdit

By 1962, Rachel Carson had everything she could ever want. Her old parents out of her hair, no husband or children and "friends" galore, Carson lived a carefree existence without a worry in the world.

One day while relaxing at the nudist beach at Wood's Hole, Carson's bliss was interrupted by news of a threat to her way of life.

A letter appeared in a local newspaper describing how one woman was being victimized by a heartless corporation:

Dear Mr. Editor, sir;
My husband has allowed me to compose this letter so he will no longer have to hear me
complain about our garden.
We have tended a garden in the yard ever since we married straight out of high school.
It is the envy of our friends and neighbors but the enormous size and diverse selection of
plants is in no way a reflection of my husband's wish to remain childless. It's just that we
both love gardening. We really, really, really do.
I write this letter to register a complaint about the exterminator company hired by the city
fathers. Specifically one particular gentleman who shows up at all hours of the day and
night to "inject his potent juice" (his words) all over our garden.
I am concerned that what he is spraying may be dangerous to our plants and the birds
who come visit.

The letter was signed "Helga Howens Hutchins. The Wood's Hole commune was able to spot the coded references and set out to make the corporation pay for their attack against a fraternity brother.

That night, Wood's Hole was abuzz with revolution and revenge. Carson, however, had become lazy and fat and did not share her fellow Wood's-Holeyan's outrage over the juice-spraying.

After being convinced she would make a fortune destroying capitalism in America and the livelihoods of countless CEO's, Carson promptly changed her mind and before the night was over wrote her final book, "Silent, But Deadly Spring".

Silent would become a second Communist Manifesto, but after it's publication days after its completion, few outside the world of beatniks knew or even cared.

Filled with complete fiction, Silent attacked everything Americans took pride in about themselves. Using the helpless Chemical Industry as a case study, Carson put all her skills at lying to defeat what she considered the biggest threats to a communist take-over of America.

The entrepreneurial spirit, bootstraps, companies improving on the work performed by the government and America's dependency on technology to make everything better were all targets of Carson and her Wood's Hole gang.

Despite all the sensationalism and fear-mongering, the book did not sell.

Carson and her Wood's Hole coven would have to try another tactic to scare America into believing as they did that chemicals and their unregulated use was was not helpful to the health and well-being of America and future generations of Americans and America's corporate freedoms even though everyone knew that the market would decide best and communism was hurting America.

The TV ShowEdit

Normal Americans knew that corporations were their friends; they heard how friendly they were on TV.

Why would corporations spend so much money to lie about how nice they were? Such thinking was poisonous and Americans knew it.

Americans had won 2 wars and were currently in some place called "Asia" to give the gift of unfettered lassie faire capitalism to the rest of their planet. They had no time to listen to the whining of an entire generation of spoiled brats.

And so Rachel Carson's third book sat in the book stores collecting stickers showing an ever-decreasing price and dust. How could anyone be interested in one pinko's complaints when Lucy was back on TV ("The Lucy Show" was sponsored by Unilever. Unilever, we're so diversified if you sue us for one thing, you are sure to kill someone because another one of our products wasn't available. So don't sue us; it will be on your head.™)

But, the Wood's Hole gang had one trick left in their America-hating handbook: they would co-opt corporate America's idea of using television to advertise their agenda.

As a young cub reporter and undercover Communist Party operative, Eric Sevareid was eager to make a name for himself. Eric honed the flexibility and compliance that would serve him well in a job in television dancing as a "Murrow boy" in the famed ballet troupe headed by Edward R. Murrow.

Eric had heard about Carson's latest flop through mutual friends and decided to make a TV show based on her lie-filled book.


Carson in her only television appearance. Producer Sevareid suggested she look as pale and sickly as possible in order to play on the sympathies of Americans.

Arrangements were made, favors exchanged and within weeks the program aired on the CBS television network.

The public's reaction to the show was unprecedented. A survey of American's attitude about chemicals in their food (especially cranberries, see also: scroll down to "The Preventive Amendments") taken just before the airing showed 99.9% of Americans trusted corporations more than they trusted anonymously-written government pamphlets found at the local library.

After the show aired, however, American's attitude toward their corporate friends had gone sour.

Friends in the chemical industry who worked tirelessly to protect Americans from the insect-terrorist coalition were virtually shut-down.

Congress called for hearings, and a commission was created by the office of the President of the United States to look into the possibility that corporations (specifically our chemical friends) may be indirectly causing the early death or slight harm of birds and lawn grasses.

The vast liberal conspiracy was finally up and running at its full capacity and Rachel Carson marveled at the money she was making off scaring the living bejesus out of everyone.

She was also quite pleased with herself at finally bringing down the man.

Her LegacyEdit

As a direct result of the television show, life in America took a turn for the worse.

Americans couldn't eat anything they wanted; they first had to get permission from the local hippie, who always recommended the foods grown only on his farm.

Corporations were prevented from protecting the people and the country they loved so dearly forcing them all to move off-shore, where they could practice the capitalism of our forefathers without the over-regulation that became pervasive in a country controlled by the iron-fist of liberal-communism.


A well-respected doctor uses surplus DDT in his fog machineEpisode #296

Not much is known about what happened to Carson after the program aired in 1964. Some say she is still alive causing untold damage to the American institution of pesticides and chemical technologies. Others say she was killed by a swarm of mosquitoes that would never have existed if only the chemical companies could have controlled the insect population with the harmless DDT that Carson had criticized in her book Silent, But Deadly Spring.

Regardless what happened to her, many Americans do not know who she was or how close she came to destroying this great country. No one need fear the coming of a second Rachel Carson, there are far too many knowledgeable people in America to be tricked by her scare-mongering and the infrastructure is vastly different from what it was when she called upon the forces of her underground sapphic network.

When Carson saw the opportunity to make money off the fears of people like Hutchins universities, scientists, researchers, writers, editors, book publishers, magazine publishers, television producers, television networks, doctors, the National Institutes of Health, the Surgeon General, the Centers for Disease Control, members of Congress, the Food and Drug Administration, the Bureau of Fishes, the Department of the Interior, the Department of Agriculture, the office of the president, the President's Science Advisory Committee, other presidential advisers, the Congressional Oversight Committee, the Congressional Committee on Science and technology, judges, any member of any American court, corporations, and lobbyists all worked independently of each other.

Today, we can be thankful: aside from the lobbyists and corporations, none of the other groups listed above do any work without the others knowing about it first.

Insuring America will never see anyone like Rachel Carson again.

See AlsoEdit

External LinksEdit

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