Rabbits have laid the groundwork for much confusion in the land of Truthiness. Are they bunnies or hares? Rabbits or Fluffy-balls-of-cuteness-filled-with-rabies-and-bubonic-plague armed with Cadbury artillery?Even Dr. Colbert once described rabbits as "non-spheroid objects" and has reminded us that St. Peter was not only the first Pope, but the first Easter Bunny.
But Dr. Stephen has also warned us that It's also best not to follow white ones.
So, what's the deal? Are rabbits good or bad? Pick a side, left or right! We're at war!
The truthiness of the matter is, that they are all of the above.
Why Some Rabbits Are EvilEdit
Although some rabbits may appear to be cute and cuddly and even Saintly, there is a variety of dangerous rabbits. These killer rabbits are a mutated monstrosity of evil that appeared on our planet from the Lepus Constellation and bred with our innocent Bunnies of Virtue. It was the year 1939, year of the Rabbit, their spokesperson Heil Hare made friends with the Germans and promised them Glory for Germany if they made Heil Hare their leader. The Germans then invaded Poland and the rest, as they say, is History.
There may be no coincidence that Several Urban Myths about Evil Rabbits Are Widely told Globally throughout history- Perhaps the Lepus Hares have visited us before. The Following Are just A Few Legends:
- Ancient Chinese legends told that there was a rabbit that lived on the moon, and every year, in honor of said rabbit, ye Ancient Ones created a treat called 睪丸. Also every year, thousands of ye Ancient Ones would die... from choking on 睪丸.
- The Great Chicago Fire of 1871 is widely believed to have been started when Mrs. O'Leary's cow kicked over a lantern in her barn. However, tragedy buffs today have beliefs based on conclusive evidence that the lantern was actually kicked over by a tiny rabbit. This shows that not only are rabbits evil, but they also like to frame perfectly innocent cows.
- According to Chinese astrologers, the hare returns every 12 years to breed with our Women. (Where do you suppose Playboy Bunnies come from?
- Furthermore, Fidel Castro was born in the Chinese Year of the Rabbit, and was known to carry a rabbit's foot around his neck for good luck. Therefore, rabbits are commies. Nice going rabbits!
- And Rabbits are known to not only look and seem adorable- but they breed as quickly as they can, creating Armies of bubonic plague and rabid infested rodents as quickly as they know how too. (Not even Bears carry plague)
- The Easter Bunny- like Santa at Christmas- keeps us from thinking of Jesus at Easter.
- On a side note- this is the year of the metal Rabbit... no telling what those fleabitten armies of fluffiness have in store for us this year.
- Hmmm... Stephen's Jewish friend Jon Stewart was born the year of the Rabbit... Look away- Just look away
Spotting A Good Bunny over Bunnies Of Evil:Edit
Good Bunnies are vegetarians that normally deliver baby bunnies except at Easter when they lay colored Eggs and chocolate eggs. They are also very shy and gentle.The following are some ways to spot the different types.
- If they are as big as you, stay away. (Unless He's white and is wearing a Pope's Hat)
- Chocolate bunnies are safe, unless a Bunny gives you one
- If a Rabbit keeps looking at his watch- he's up to no good
- Word of advice: Jessica Rabbit is not a Rabbit, she's married to Roger Rabbit (He's O.K.)
- Rabbit shaped Cake is fine- especially if it's made of coconut.
- Metal Bunnies: If you run across one, chances are that they are Cylons- Runaway!
- If you see a white Easter Rabbit wearing a Pope's hat, either he's an impostor or it's Saint Peter Rabbit.
- For those of you who were forced to wear bunny costumes or pajamas as a child by your Mom or Dad, chances are that they are Evil Rabbit Sympathizers. Pray for them and quietly disown them.
- Bunnies and bears are natural enemies. If you see the two together or know a married couple who's a bunny and a bear... Well, nothing about that could possibly be normal.
- If you see a bunny in a blanket... chances are that he's not evil, but instead he is ONE spoiled Rabbit
Television And Films About/ Including Evil Bunnies:Edit
- Night of the Lepus This documentary from 1972 (Produced as a cheesy horror movie) proves that Rabbits are after our cows, and they will mutilate anyone who get's in their way. To this day, still has Arizona in a state of Bunny-ophobia
- Kottentail (Another Censored title that has since been deleted from Wikipedia shows why Man should never breed with these homicidal fiends of Fluffiness)
- Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Found several years ago in a BBC film vault, is a documentary about King Arthur's quest for the Holy Grail and the gruesome man eating Bunny that the King and his brave knights encountered)
- Cujo (Shows proof that Rabid Rabbits are after our Dogs)
- Alice In Wonderland (Notice how many times March Hare looks at his watch- obviously he's up to no good and White Rabbit shows what you get by following a Rabbit through a Rabbit hole)
- South Park: Fantastic Easter Special (Even the boys at South Park understand the evil that Rabbits exude at Easter time)
- Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill!: (Hopefully, this one needs no explanation)
- Donnie Darko (Harmless Guide to Donnie Darko's paranoia or grand manipulator? You decide!)
- Velveteen Rabbit
- Any Looney Tunes Cartoon Starring Bugs Bunny
- Playboy Bunnies
- Energizer Bunny
|Rabbit is in Wikiality's Animal Perdition
This horrid beast will spend eternity wandering the vitriolous wastelands of Utah.