People Who Are in Cults



A secret sect of Mooslimism that began in Pennsylvania Dutch country. They share with their Middle Eastern brother's hatred of all things American, especially cartoon depictions of their prophet.


Baking RivalryEdit

Danish raspberry

A pastry of contention

American Quakers are pro-oatmeal, in direct violation of the Mooslamic fundamentalism, which is pro-pastry.

For centuries, the breakfast of choice divided the Quakers from the other, more elaborate pastry-eating sects of Mooslimism


Shaking for no apparent reason. In this they are similar to Shakers who though often confused with Quakers practice as their main ritual uncontrollable quaking, and who make furniture when they should be eating their high fiber hot breakfast cereal. Michael J. Fox converted to the Quaker faith in the 1990's, only to become an apostate when he discovered it was much more fun to make furniture than eat lukewarm mush. They are also required to quiver, and on high saints days to rattle and roll. To assist them in rolling they have been known upon occasion to call upon their high priest in all matters Chicano, Cheech Marin, who is reputed to know how to roll a really fat one. When sufficiently thus "inspired." they are known to endlessly play that dreadful song Don't Dream It's Over and imagine somehow that it was brought into Being by a transgressive reading of The Order of Things.

Holy DaysEdit

On their highest of High Holy Days they hang out in Marin County with Cheech Marin experimenting with herbal medicines plotting how to bore people into making peace by listening to New Age Music and discussing the meaning of obscure Joni Mitchell B sides. They plot against America by inventing more ways to portray Jesus as a liberal, such as denying that the Sermon On The Mount was delivered on Mount Rushmore and co-written by Rush Limbaugh, and suggesting that Our Lord and Savior wasn't simply being ironic when he instructed his followers to feed the poor and forgive our enemies. On their wicked unchristian holidays celebrating such pagan notions like Light and Truth they invite liberals pretending to be suffering from Parkinson's Disease to engage in suggestive ritual shaking to make them feel better about themselves and to look even more ridiculous than they already do.


The pompous self righteous William Penn founded the Quakers in the era before color television in order to force people to become his followers and to ritually shake on Sundays just as he did when he pretended to suffer from Parkinson's Disease. He then called his liberal version of Presbyopianism Quakerism in order to highlight his pretentious fake symptom of liberal bias. Soon thereafter he pompously changed the name of his colony Becksylvania to Pennsylvania. After drinking a pretentious six pack of European Beer with Ben Franklin, he shook so much that he cracked the Liberty Bell and wrote into the state's constitution that lawmakers could shape change from Democrats into Republicans and back again willy-nilly as long as they were not named WIlly or Nilly. He then determined to pass on his pompous self righteous DNA to his descendants (see Sean Penn). George Fox broke away from Penn's cult of wimpy peace worship, moved to England, to found his own even gayer branch of this heresy which he called The Society of Friends. There they took up sitting in silence and politely waiting for God to move them, concocted as the ultimate public relations ploy to make their non-stop movement movement seem as though God had chosen them to sway and undulate his eternal truths corporeally like so many neo-hippy chicks at their first Phish reunion concert. Michael J. Fox is an obvious direct descendant of the founder of the British branch of the oatmeal loving, hefeweisse swilling, Socialist spouting, most boring, of anti-christian liberal pseudo-religions, though Episcopalians come close. Megan Fox is also a descendant and to prove just how gay Fox's descendants and followers are, I'll bet you didn't know that Megan Fox is actually a man? Michael Kinsley, another celebrated and wickedly smug adherent is purported to have coined the pseudo-religion's timeless motto "A gaffe is what is said when a Quaker forgets to take his Sinamet." Quakers mark their bacchanalian founding on Crack the Bell Day by shaking themselves silly while drinking copious amounts of pretentious pompous anti-American alcohol, then trying to pronounce the word Urquell.

Modern QuakerismEdit

You know those dirty hippies claiming to be Christians, looking smug like Sean Penn, fake shaking in a pretentious Socialist sort of way, inexplicably misplacing their birth certificates, and wearing boring clothes?

Possibly Shakers, probably Quakers.

Famous QuakistsEdit

Smedley Butler, Rush Holt, Ben Kingsley, Herbert Hoover, Richard M. Nixon (left the faith to embrace Americanism), Joseph H. Taylor, Jr., William Penn, Sean Penn, Michael J. Fox, Michael Kinsley, , Martin Heidegger, David Brooks (currently lapsed but characteristically waffling), and Megan Fox

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