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Presidential Oath of Office
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This is what the President-Elect of the United States says when the Chief Executive of the Supreme Court swears him into The Office of the President of the United States.

The PageantryEdit

Every four years, we Americans watch on TV as the Supreme Court decides who should be our next President. The next January, Washington, DC holds a big party, complete with a parade to celebrate the ascention of the next President.

The President-Elect and the Chief Executive of the Supreme Court go on a stage especially designed for the occasion and stand before the FOX cameras for the whole world to see. Only Invited Guests are allowed to appear onstage during the Ceremony:

  • the President's wife
  • the President's father
  • the President's hot twin daughters
  • the President's chocolate fantasy
  • CEOs of Republican Donor Corporations or Religious 527s (Ranger-level and up)

The President-Elect then stands opposite the Chief Executive of the Supreme Court, but next to the highest Republican Donor, who has won the honor of "Official Sponsor of The Ceremony".

The winning CEO then hands the President-Elect his Presidential Bouquet, and returns to sit amoung his Corporate Brethren.

The President-Elect places his hands on a stack of Bibles held by the the Chief Executive of the Supreme Court and the Chief begins the ceremony:

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of The One True Almighty God, and his Son Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior, and in the presence of these esteemed Republican Corporations, to unite (President's Full Christian Name) and America in holy Presidential Bondage. This Sacred pact was ordained by God in Eden and confirmed in Texas by the presence of the Lord, and is declared by the Current Pope to be honorable among all men. On this occasion we begin by asking God's blessing on this Inagural Service. Let us pray."


A short prayer (based on St. Francis of Asisi) is recited:

Lord, make us instruments of your piece
Where there is hatred, let us sow it
Where there is injury, let us profit
Where there is discord, let us exploit
Where there is doubt, let us regain polling numbers
Where there is despair, let us ignore
Where there is darkness, let us increase energy prices
Where there is sadness, let us televise
For it is in giving that we receive
Thank You Holy Father for the Bounty I Am About to Receive.
God Bless America

The OathEdit

After they exchange rings, the President-Elect then recites his Oath of Office:

"With this ring I do solemnly swear to promise to love, honor, cherish and protect America, forsaking all others and holding only unto America."

They kiss, and then the President (no longer President-Elect) throws the Ceremonial Bouquet to the next in the line of ascension (usually a brother or other male relative).

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