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Prayer is a special form of communication that only Christians utilize to speak with God. It is also a form of universal healthcareEpisode #421 already available to all Americans.

What follows is an abbreviated primer on the Power of Prayer.

How Does One Pray?Edit

Ted Haggard

One of God's children praying the proper way

First, one must be a Christian. Luckily for most, there are many paths to Accepting Jesus Christ As Your Personal Lord and Savior.

After willingly and without coersion, Accepting Jesus Christ As Your Personal Lord and Savior one must get down on one's knees, close one's eyes, clasp one's hands together and call God on your Mental Cellphone.

Crying is only acceptable and appropriate when others can see you.

Stephen Colbert often prays with his Lucky Praying Hat (a red baseball cap with a silver glittery cross) and his Lucky Prayer Hands (two foam fingers). "Jesus Number One!"

What Does One Pray For?Edit

Christians can pray for anything:

  1. the conversion of Jews
  2. money
  3. Stephen Colbert
  4. cars
  5. meteorological phenomenon, such as rain
  6. diamond rings
  7. the death to liberals
  8. healing of the sick (with a $10 charge)
  9. superpowers, such as:
    1. the authority to credit God for everything
    2. the authority to blame God for everything
    3. immunity from prosecution
    4. good P.R.
    5. convenient distractions

Non-Christians can only pray that they will one day become Christians and allowed into The Kingdom of Heaven™.

What Kinds of Things Can One Not Pray For?Edit

  1. universal healthcare
  2. peace
  3. anything socialistic

Famous People Who PreyEdit

Sacred PrayerEdit

Dear Lord God Almighty, creator of the universe and all things therein. I come to you this election eve in humbled earnest prayer.

I pray on behalf of the country I have been blessed to have been born in, and my fellow countrymen with whom I share it. Our desire is to see continued blessings from you Dear Lord not only for us, but for all generations to come. We fear having to tell future generations of how our country used to be and how great this country was once upon a time.

Tomorrow we head to the election polling places to select our countries earthly leader, a task set before us once every four years, one that should not be taken lightly and be done with wisdom and in line with your will Lord God.

Unfortunately Dear Lord, many have rejected your will for thier own and will take to the polls, make thier selections, and cast thier ballots without full knowledge or wisdom about whom they are choosing for this important job.

I come to you Lord God that you touch the hearts of these voters that they may vote according to your will as I understand it.

First and foremost an issue that trumps all others, that they vote to choose life over death as life is a blessing directly from you Lord God and not for us to decide when or if it should be ended, but yours alone. One of our choices has a record of being pro-life, the other does not, it's quite the opposite.

That votes be cast for a proven supporter of your chosen people and thier land of Israel. Your word tells us that those that bless Israel shall be blessed and those that curse her shall be cursed. One of our choices has a record of that support, the other has empty politicians words but many friends who curses your people.

That we continue to hold jobs and prosper. One choice wants us to build ourselves up and see us prosper, while the other will tear us down seeking to spread wealth to the lazy.

That we continue to have freewill and free speech. One choice promises to ensure this happens, the other has already stiffled opposition with strong evidence it will only get worse.

That we may continue to protect ourselves and our family from the evil that lurks. One choice has promised to ensure we retain that ability, the other has a record of wanting to take it away.

That this country be protected from outside elements that wish harm upon us. One choice has dedicated his whole life in service to this country and helping to build our defense forces, the other has promised to cut it down. The second has even gone so far as to admit defeat with troops still engaged and deny them funding to keep them safe. Let's also not forget he wishes to sit down without preconditions with people promising to wipe your people and country off the map.

To me the that choice is crystal clear, that of Senator John McCain along with Governor Sarah Palin.

In Jesus' precious name I pray, AMEN!

Prayers for 2009Edit

  • Real Christian Americans must now pray for the assassination impeachment of President Obama and the end of his tyranny.
  • We must also pray for the death resignation of democrats so they are no longer in the majority

See AlsoEdit

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