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."If you will not be turned... you will be destroyed!" ―Emperor Benedict to a Protestant crowd.
Pope Benedict XVI (Also known as: Emperor Palpatine and Darth Sidious) is the hansome head of the Roman Catholic Church, former and last Chancellor of the Galactic Republic and former emperor and founder of the Galactic Empire.
After the fall of the Galactic Empire he was chosen by a grateful God and the Blessed Virgin Mary to replace Pope John Paul II, who had been defeated in a lightsaber duel against the Great Jedi Master In the Sky.
Tried to stop WWIIEdit
Ratzy was born in a German motel called the River Inn. It's not known exactly why his mother was there at the time.
He quickly grew from his humble beginnings to become a forthright and upstanding young man. When he saw what was happening in his country in the 1930's young Ratzy realized that he had to step up to the plate and do something about it.
Even then, he realized that he'd have his best chance to change the world by working from the inside as an important functionary. He therefore joined a Hitler Youth brigade where his diligence and intelligence was noted by his commandants.
But young Ratzy was looking for something more than the many commendations and awards that he got from his superiors. He joined the Nazi Party so that he could change it from within.
The cardinal later recalled those days for L'Osservatore Romano, the Vatican's daily English-language newspaper.
"I was deeply concerned that the Party and Our Leader did not show proper concern about the danger of onanist marriage," the future pope remembered.
"I knew I had to do something about that. There were disgusting clubs for homosexuals all over Berlin. These onanist activists were already trying to change the definition of the Holy Sacrament of Marriage."
The cardinal said that he worked diligently within the Party apparatus to bring this vital issue to the forefront, but expressed deep regret that his warnings were ignored.
"That unfortunate war would probably not have happened if we had only been able to stop those filthy onanists," Ratzinger concluded with a sigh.
After the War, Ratzy joined a seminary to study for the priesthood.
"It was the same kind of camaraderie as Hitler Youth," Ratzinger remembered years later. "I felt right at home."
"They did it right, back then," Ratzinger told his L'Osservatore interviewer. "Maybe I could have done more in the '30s if I had known more about the Inquisition."
Ratzinger shot upwards in the Church hierarchy even while he pursued his studies. His upward trajectory was derailed only briefly during the liberal papacy of John XXIII. It would sky-rocket when John Paul II (John-Paul I? Who's that? Never happened.) was anointed.
Ratzy was invited to Rome by John-Paul II to become The Enforcer (officially called Prefect for the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith) where his expertise on the Crusades and Inquisition was put to superb use. While the charismatic John-Paul made nice for the cameras and for the children, Ratzy stepped in with an iron fist to quell any hint of dissidence (aka liberalism or talk of "justice") within the Church.
Ratzy also got himself appointed head of the College of Cardinals which isn't really a college at all but just what they call their Board of Directors. It's like being the COB (Chairman of the Board).
That so-called college elects a new pope after the previous one dies. They do it by getting together in a smokey room and waiting until almost everyone faints from smoke inhalation. The last one standing is declared Pope-For-Life or CEO.
As Chairman, Ratzy got to hog all the TV time during the endless live broadcasts after John-Paul's ascension. He insisted, however, that he wasn't looking to become pope.
"Who me?" he is reported to have said to an American cardinal. "No! I wouldn't think of it. Doncha' think we should pick one of those young, virile, vibrant, manly Kneee-Grow cardinals from Africa?"
But Ratzy's job as Chairman required him to leave the smokey room where the other Cardinals were waiting to see who would be the last to faint. To the shock and surprise of nearly everyone, the elderly Ratzinger emerged as the last Cardinal standing and therefore became pope after they let the smoke out of the room through a chimney in the ceiling.
"So be it....Rabbi!"―Emperor Benedict to a Jewish rebel.
In his short reign as Pope, Benedict has demonstrated the use of vast, awe-inspiring superpowers that make us mere mortals cringe with fear! With the mere stroke of a pen, Benedict wiped out the other-dimensional realm of Limbo, where all of the unbaptized babies and souls born before the Baby Jesus went. Destroying an entire plane of existence, as any comic book reader or D&D player knows, requires vast amounts of power -- even Galactus is unable to accomplish a feat like this! Furthermore, in December of 2007, Benedict further exercised his control over the realm of Purgatory: he granted a Papal Indulgence in honor of the Virgin Mary's appearance at Lourdes (in England), reducing the time a dead person's soul spends in Purgatory before passing on to Heaven. Truly, the cosmic powers demonstrated by Pope Benedict have placed him on the level of the mightest cosmic beings in existence! (Except for the Baby Jesus himself.)
Attempted Excommunication Of Stephen ColbertEdit
Ratzy tried to have Stephen Colbert excommunicated just because Mr. Colbert called him a Nazi Pope. However, stepping out of character for one honest moment, Colbert subsequently apologized for his remarks saying, "I went one joke too far. Even my Jewish friend Jon Stewart was, like, what the f***, Stephen? That's over the top, dude!"
Loves The ChildrenEdit
After he had became Pope Benedict, some still criticized Ratzy because -- or so they claimed -- the new pope isn't nearly as warm, fuzzy, and nice as his sainted predecessor. But Benedict acted quickly to demonstrate that his detractors were mistaken about that.
He discovered that the children enjoy catching brightly lit objects floating down onto Vatican Square from his fourth-story windows. Benedict now takes every opportunity when he's at home in Rome to entertain the children. He started out by throwing candles down from his window, but noticed that the children were often disappointed when the flames would burn out while falling. He now throws "sparklers," an American concoction, that are made to stay lit no matter how far they fall.
Benedict loves to watch the delight on the faces of the children and their parents as the young ones scramble in the square below him trying to retrieve the blessed sparkling objects.
Meeting World LeadersEdit
- in his final days as Prime Minister, Tony Blair discussed his possible conversion to Catholicism with the pope
- Played mailman Cliff Clavin on NBC's Cheers
- Pope Benedict supports the Queen Spider
- The Czech loves the pope
- Tupac is his homie
- Commie hippie
- Anglicans to join The Pope on the War on Gays and women!
- Pope Benedict joins WWF! Changes name to Pope Can-of-Woop-ass Kick-ass
- The Gays have infiltrate the Papacy!!!
- Church calls for Crusade against
- Gays welcome Pope with an orgy
- The Internet is a tool from the Devil
- Pope turning hippie!