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There has been a lot of talk in the news these days about "arrest reports". Many Americans are as confused by them as they are by maps. has decidered to help Americans (and other people of countries such as The Iraq and South Africa and such) by making this primer on the reports the police write after they make an arrest.

What Is An Arrest Report?Edit

An arrest repostation.

Many times arrest reports are typed neatly so everyone can clearly read every filthy, filthy detail even after it has been faxed around the country. Sometimes, however, the police may hand write the report making it difficult to read after it's been posted online.

The police may want to hide certain things and will use a common practice called "redacting" which means they will blacken out certain parts of the report to protect innocent people or hide filthy details that somehow made it into the report, but is really no one's business.

How Are Arrest Reports Created?Edit

Arrest reports are created AFTER the arrest for convenience. The better police officers can create them themselves, but for some of the younger and inexperienced officers, creative writing does not come so easily, and everyone at the station can get in on the fun of making a report up.

This is why "some college classes" is usually required to get onto better police forces. A semester of fiction writing is a major plus to getting hired.

An example is in order. Lets say you are driving down the street in your patrol car, and you see someone who you would like to harass and intimidate. You start to scrutinize the "subject" as they are "acting suspiciously" driving along the speed limit. THEN, your police training kicks in and you figure out an excuse to pull them over.

If you are lucky, you can get them to swear at you, or swat at you with a hairbrush. Then, you just call for backup, and half the force responds to the 82 year old lady you pulled over for highbeaming you, drags her out of the car, tasers her, and takes her in.

NOW... you do NOT want to go into court sayign things like "I done pult over that old crow that was always yellin at ever-buddy fer gettin into her flower bed", as such might not cut muster with a decent defense attorney outside of texas or florida.

You now have the luxury of sitting back, coffee and docuts in hand, the hapless old lady shackled and chained up in front of you, while you write out your arrest report.

"suspect was driving erratically" "suspect appeared confused" "suspect assaulted me with a silver plated bible"

sound a WHOLE lot better than "I done pulled that old lady over that I hate from my childhood, and she got to just a-swearin up a storm at me, then her rememberin me trampling her flowers all the time, thats when she hit me upside the head with her bible"

You can sit there comfortably, and just let the creative juices "flow" and write that report so it sounds like it ought to sound, in court.

Honestly, despite the way it looks, police actually DO MANAGE to get the ocassional criminal in this random harassment fashion, and NEED A WAY to be able to write it up so they can USE the human head they found in the trunk in court for evidence.

Note that if you read an arrest report, and it is 100% clear what was going on, start to finish, "That't not a pimple on a great report's ass." Change names, dates, addresses... change the order of events, or just MAKE STUFF UP as you go along, when it gets dull. This is importamt, take your time to come up with something that really "wows" the papers the next day.

Remember, JUST because you didnt arrest a real criminal, is NO REASON you cant get your name in the papers and a full time position at your department out of it. A GOOD REPORT can be read by the guy arrested the next day, and even HE does not remember any of those things happening.

Editors note: I am familiar with "the great american novel" AKA arrest reports, as I am personally known to the media as "Tight Pants" I am also a poor soul who considers himself enlightened and thinks he knows what he's talking about when, in actuality, five sentences in to this segment you could all tell, I am merely an idiot who knows nothing. have a nice day. oh and it never occured to me to insert the gun into my pocket.

---From the Desk of Sean "tight pants" Duvall (look it up, you dont believe me who I am, LMAO, I suggest Google)

Sample Arrest ReportEdit