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Delicious killers of the weak. Made into a spread and great with bread, chocolate, and celery. If you don't eat at least 3 cups of peanut butter a month, you're not a good American.

Peanut butter can be crunchy or creamy. Either way it is deadly to children.


Peanuts were first discovered by Native Americans in 1403 on a hillside in Michigan. After digging them up and trying a few, they decided that they wanted them all to themselves. Knowing that the peanut is neither a pea or a nut, they named it so to throw off those who would steal the legume.

During the first Thanksgiving, as a peace offering the Native Americans presented Columbus with the first jar of "Mashed Peanut Paste" while they were hanging out at Plymouth Rock. It was then that he turned on them, and along with Voltron and General Custard they discovered the location of the peanuts, the recipe of the mashed peanut paste, and murdered the indigenous people.

Mashed peanut paste made its next appearance at the Boston Tea Party, where it was used to cover up bananas and throw in the harbor to appear as "dooky".

During WWI Mashed peanut paste was renamed peanut butter in attempt to make it sound tastier. It bacame a hit during the Great Depression as an alternative to long soup lines.

Peanut butter hit its height of glory when it it was discovered that peanut butter in a dog's mouth made it appear like they are trying to talk.

they were also used historically as an aphrodisiac that was added to some of the finest original beers. It made me horny.

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