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Pat Robertson (born July 4, 1776) is a televangelist sent by Jesus himself from heaven to the United States. He is the founder of numerous organizations and corporations, including the American Center for "Law" and "Justice" (ACLJ), Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN), the Christian Coalition, Flying Hospital, International Family Entertainment, Operation Blessing International Diamond Mining Corporation, and Regent University. He is the host of The 700 Club, a Christian TV program airing on channels throughout the United States and on CBN affiliates worldwide.
He is opposed to abortion, gay rights and such heretical groups as Methodists, Anglicans and Presbyterians. He thinks gay people are aliens sent to earth by Tom Cruise. Robertson is a supporter of the Republican Party of Jesus and campaigned unsuccessfully to become the second coming of Jesus in the 1988 presidential election.
As one of The Baby Jesus' chosen representatives to fight for truth, justice, and the American Way, Pat Robertson has been granted an amazing superpower: the ability to summon and control hurricanes at will. Pat Robertson has successfully steered hundreds of hurricanes away from the United States over the years. When he finally ascends into Heaven, our glorious nation will be smitten with a plague of hurricanes, and enormous damage to life and property is expected to occur. (However, Stephen Colbert's followers are secure in the knowledge that Stephen will protect our great nation, and take on the burden that Pat will be leaving behind.)
When scholars pondered the question of why Pat Robertson did not steer Hurricane Katrina away from New Orleans, they realized that this hurricane was actually God's wrath against the city for an innumerable number of offenses. Therefore, it wasn't Pat's fault.He is a Southern Baptist and was active as an ordained minister and one of Jesus' right hand men. He loves America, and the voice of Ronald Reagan's Ghost speaks to him regularly from the perfect and righteous color segregated heaven. Pat Robertson loves America and the good book.
He is also a first class chef. He is the inventor of the Pat Robertson Protein Pancakes™ . Many say he should just stick to religion because his pancakes taste like rubber. Pat Robertson also hates Hugo Chavez, the State Department, Canadians, Muslims, Liberals, ACLU, The Clintons ,United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit, The Supreme Court (see: Courting Disaster) , Activist judges, the 21st century Leprosy AKA Restless Leg Syndrome, and Haiti, who made a pact with a devil in order to receive the deadliest earthquake it had seen in 200 years in January 2010. (See Dr. Bill Frist) He also hates anyone who further denies America of her moral fiber.
Pat Robertson Trivia Edit
- He Loves Jesus so much, he altered his penis so it's in the shape of a cross
- Pat Robertson owns diamond mines in Wyoming
- He slap boxes with Jesus
- He loves Jesus so much, he had the Lord's name secretly tattooed on his butt cheek
- Pat's wife owns and operates her own advertising firm and is known to be unshutupable.
- It's a little known fact that Pat's wife is a husband beater.
- Pat has had numerous affairs, most notably with his best friend's wife, Mrs. Ralph Reed.
- Ralph Reed, after being given the chance to have an affair with Mrs. Robertson, declined, as he knew what this would be getting into.
- Robertson suffers from night blindness and therefore cannot drive, unless he's drunk on Jesus' power.
- He can do 100 push-ups in 30 seconds (God is his personal trainer)
- Robertson's brain has been offered to the nation of Switzerland for use in gourmet cheese.
- Switzerland has disavowed any knowledge of Robertson's possession of an actual brain.
- In response to Switzerland's denial, Robertson has vowed to gourmet someone new.
- Robertson defies all to out-Jesus him.
- Jesus secretly hates Pat Robertson, but curiously loves Swiss cheese.
- Robertson's wife cannot be reached for comment, over anything at all, unless you're famous.
- Pope John Paul II did not allow Robertson to refer to him by his first name.
- Robertson loves to rub elbows with famous magicians
- Robertson has repeatedly been run over by Stephen Hawking's wheelchair.
- Stephen Hawking laughingly claims that random wormholes are responsible for his constant collisions with Robertson.
- Robertson refers to Hawking as a Swiss Cheese 4x4.
- Pat Robertson has secretly been replaced with Folgers Instant Coffee. Let's see if anyone notices.
- Jesus has claimed many times that Robertson is stalking him.
- Robertson has stated the he sees Jesus in all Men, but is totally not gay for Jesus.
- Robertson funds all Michael Bay films, but especially loves those involving real life murder re-enactments of Jesus.
- All Robertson facts are copied verbatim from The Robertson Facts web ring.
- You can't tell Robertson anything at all. If you attempt this, he'll reply, "I've heard that one before".
- Pat Robertson should not be exposed to temperatures above 75 degrees.
- Pat Robertson should not be exposed to temperatures below 75 degrees.
- Though undoubtedly the will of God, Pat Robertson constantly blames his colon polyps on Satan. I mean, check out the colonoscopy video, each cancerous bump resembles either a Catholic saint or Scott Stapp of Creed.
- Owns perhaps the world's greatest collection of negro lawn jockeys.
- Regularly buys larger than needed quantities of Leptoprin so he can shift them to "God knows who" for untold sums of money which he then uses to pay arsonists who in turn burn down "those blackie churches".
- All the proceeds of Robertson's book, "Cornholism, Colbert and Hannity: Or, Jesus the Cornholian Prophet," go to Stephen Hawking's wheelchair de-stimulus bill, a fund which Robertson has prophecied will: "rid the earth and the wormholes of cripple-violence when Jesus returns."