"Owen Sound Attack"
is an Official "Lover of Immoral Bears" (LiB) Site™
Owen Sound Attack
makes The Baby Jesus sad.
Does your mother know you read these filthy liberal myths?
Stastny Yan
Owen Sound Attack
is Hockey-related
making it un-American

The Owen Sound Attack are a hockey team in the Ontario Hockey League. Their mascot is a bear, a godless killing machine.


As you can see, the Owen Sound Attack's goalie has a mask which celebrates the evil godless killing machines.

Owen Sound HistoryEdit

Owen Sound, a peaceful, small, quiet city on the Georgian Bay in Ontario, may seem quiet, small, and peaceful at first. But the city is a giant pit of death, and their seemingly normal, nice citizens are not to be trusted...for this is a city which worships bears. We are not sure when or how this occurred, but the godless killing machines have the citizens of Owen Sound under their thrall. It is believed that Michael Moore paid the once good citizens of Owen Sound a visit when he was younger, and hypnotized the whole town with one of his earliest movies, "Bears Gone Wild".

The Owen Sound 30 Man Barbershop singing group may or may not be the means by which bears have kept the citizens of Owen Sound under their thrall. Top secret anti-terrorist government research is still being done to figure this out, however, expert theorists tend to believe that is exactly the kind of shit that is going down.


The godless killing machines are up to their no good tricks again. Luckily, the referees have them under control. For now.

Owen Sound Style of PlayEdit

As you might expect from a team and a city which celebrates the godless killing machines, the Owen Sound Attack play dirty. They use their pitcher-sticks to trip the other team's players when the referee isn't looking. They steal picanic baskets. They do that thing where the players come off the bench and fight people like in that movie with Paul Newman from the 1970s. They sharpen their hockey skates extra sharp, so they can use them to straight up murder your ass. They are not to be trusted. You simply cannot turn your back on them.

Arch-enemy of the Saginaw SpiritEdit

The bears are fully aware that Stephen Colbert has a favorite hockey team, the Saginaw Spirit. If they could, the godless killing machines would kidnap Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle and shred the poor little guy limb from limb with their death claws and razor sharp teeth. The battle between the Owen Sound Attack and the Saginaw Spirit is truly a battle of good vs. evil. Good must prevail.

Bear Uprising of 2012Edit

The Owen Sound Attack are an elite force being trained by the bears to prepare for the Bear uprising of 2012 as a counterattack, as the bears have learned that one of the reasons why hockey and the NHL (and subsequently the Ontario Hockey League) were invented was to train an elite force to stop the expected uprising. The bears are expecting that the hockey players on the side of good and evil will wipe each other out, allowing them to pour over the then-undefended Canadian-American border from Canada (where they mostly reside) into the United States.

Since the Boston Bruins of the NHL also have a bear as a mascot, it is suspected that they are being assembled for the same purpose.

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