Our Kids: What the Hell Is Wrong with Them?
is a "Special Report" of
the Greatest American Television Show--EVER!!!, The Colbert Report.


Our Kids: What the Hell Is Wrong with Them? was a Special Report edition of The Colbert Report which aired on July 11, 2006.

Special Report OutlineEdit

Stephen dedicated the entire show to probing the mystery of why America's Children do things and what can be done to stop them.

Spookily prescient, the episode kicked off with a montage of clips from YouTube that calls to mind Time Magazine's 2006 Person of the Year, You.

Signs Something Is Wrong With America's KidsEdit

  • Drinking Mountain Dew
  • Popping ollies
  • Ghostriding The Whip
  • The Rock and Roll
  • Participating in "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" advertising schemes
  • Watching the MTZ on their pocket youtubes and myspaces
  • Getting the job, but not being able to do the job (or is that the other way around?)
  • Argueing that with me
  • Missing snacktime
  • Eating the corn chips in class (Hey I can smell that mister!)
  • Smoking cigarattes and watching Captain Kangaroo
  • Participating in the Dance Dance Revolution
  • Staying open on Sundy
  • Yes, having some
  • Smuggling tots into class via their secret pockets
  • Writing the names of bands on their bulletproof textbooks.
  • Their moms go to college.
  • Greasing their hair up during class time
  • Listening to music too loudly.
  • On our lawns....again.
  • Wearing skirts that end above the shins.

America's Kids are the most coddled generation in our history, with knee pads, helmets, car seats, child safety caps and other (s)mothering influences destroying our little ones.

Recess: The Hidden Enemy?Edit


Junior's first real teacher


Liberal coddling paper

Things have gotten so bad that some schools are actually banning games at recess! Happy now you pussies? Butts Up and Suicide are character-building games, not isolationist exercises designed to single out unwanted members of a peer group.

Apparently dodgeball is too violent. Time was, a utility ball to the face taught an important lesson: Not to get hit in the face with a utility ball.


Kids these days are unwilling to put in the effort required to get a great body. They want an easy way to avoid the hours and hours of vomiting and cosmetic surgery generations of American Children that preceded them underwent.

Timeouts ≠ SpankingEdit

Sometimes a parent has to employ a preemptive military strike on their offspring's ass. Child psychologists claim that Little Johnny will be all better if we'd just sit him down in a timeout chair to 'think' about what he's done wrong. Well, problem is, Little Johnny's got his PSP DS Lite Gameboy 360 to pass the time and the only thing he's thinking about is how to take the lessons he's learning from Grand Theft Auto and do some crimes. Better to spank the child now before he turns into an even whinier little punk.

Medicating Our Way To StepfordEdit

Since 1993, "the use of potent antipsychotic drugs to treat children and adolescents... increased more than fivefold." That tidbit led to The Wørd for the episode: Psychopharmaparenting.

Unmedicated kids are unpredictable, hostile, extremely agitated and prone to aggression and mood swings: In other words, teenagers.

Medicating kids is not coddling them. It's a cutting edge form of discipline, and great if you're heavily invested in pharmaceutical drug companies.

And one day, perhaps medications will not only allow us to control our kids, but even to switch off the gay.

Stephen R.A.P.S.Edit

Stephen headed out into the audience for a segment of the show called Stephen R.A.P.S. in which he talked to some of the impressionable youths in his studio audience.

Singling out Troubled Teens with his keen eye for angst and melancholy, Stephen zeroed in on a young woman whose parents sometimes get on her case. Dr. Colbert advised her to listen to her mom and dad and do what they say since they're older than she is. Problem solved.

He then helped an awkward young man figure out the difference between smoking, which is not cool, and smokers, who are cool.

Special Guest: Tony HawkEdit

Stephen interviewed pro skater Tony Hawk, the biggest threat to America's Children since his brother Mo.



Keira Knightly. Close, but not quite skinny enough to be considered attractive.

  • This episode of The Report may contain peanut products
  • Girls, if we can't see your ribs, you're ugly.

Recommended ReadingEdit

  • Lil' Bratz Giant Coloring and Activity Book: Lil' Shoppin' Adventures - positive role models to inspire America's Daughters

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