Ad blocker interference detected!
Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers
Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.
Oprah is an insanely rich and powerful American talk show host/cult leader who enjoys giving away cars as if they were lollipops. She is most famous for acknowledging Stephen Colbert and his contribution of truthiness to the English language on her hour-long show.
During the years of the fatted calf (1981-1989) few African Americans were willing to hold their heads back to drink the sweet juices offered by Reaganomic’s trickle down effect. Okay, ok, only one African-American was willing to allow the sweet, golden, beneficial, nectar offered by the Reagan administration to wet their lips and drench their swollen and lengthy uvula. That one was Kosciusko, Mississippi citizen - Oprah Winfrey. Her ability to “recognize” empowered her to pull herself up by her bootstraps and believe that she too was a recipient of the American dream – white, talented and charismatic. That dream and the Regan effect have stayed with her to this day. She has become the number one, richest talk-show host in America. Thank God for Reganomics and its benefits to all courageous enough to receive it.
Marriage to Barack ObamaEdit
Oprah was campaigning for Barack Obama is New Hampshire in 2007 and two days later married Obama. This marriage was however, annulled, when X-Woman, Michele, "THE ONE" with the most wonderful "bombshell" arms in the free world, laid things straight for Oprah, explaining, that "talk is cheap", and in some cases dangerous, and if she couldn't back it up, then back it up. And with that, Oprah, toted her Red Ryder of fat back to her studio, defeated. This was the only time when Oprah's weight made a difference to her adoring audience.
A Power to be Reckoned WithEdit
Many think the Regan charisma possessed by Oprah has hypnotized many Americans into believing her boo-boo does not stink and she can do no wrong. Yet she is not to blame for these beliefs, as noted by the antics of the staff of her "Season 25: Oprah Behind the Scenes" shows.Her staff is to blame. " Neither can she be blamed for her application of the Regan charisma (it’s your milkshake baby). Her ability to influence the thoughts of millions of couch clinging, vacuous, welfare waiting, mentally stunted, liberal “victims” must be attributed to the goodness of the income-tax cuts she employs from the current Bush administration. As Oprah earns more and more, her tax gains continually get factored into her financial equation, unwittingly promoting an “ahhhhhhh” effect from unmotivated viewers and low IQ Hollywood guests.
Oprah has also proven her ability to boost the American economy by getting people to purchase very expensive, useless, gifts from her Christmas show. She has also offered many in her audience canvas bags filled with hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise made in China (employing many sweatshops and aiding trade relations). Yet some of her most outstanding tributes to the Regan influence has been her ability to use the Teflon Effect to speak out against rappers, shielding her from getting capped, and using her ability to communicate with Jean Dixon to expel demons from Tom Cruise.
It has been rumored that she is allied with the bears. It has been shown that since her show aired, the number of bears increased ten fold. Also when implementing the bible code in Oprah's books there is a mention of the Bear uprising of 2012
Chasing the IllusionEdit
It is difficult for anyone to actually “see” Oprah. Her power to expand or contract at will is well known. Some say she can shape shift into animal forms, such as a "Slim Jim" or a "Big Mac". Many have tried to see her in person but the intricate, maze of directives required to get tickets to her show are too confusing for the average American. This has required the American public to settle with only images of her. To help feed the public’s insatiable demand for “all things Oprah”, Oprah images are offered daily on “O”, “Oh”, “Oxygen”, “Oprah”, “Oprah After the Show” and Bazooka Joe bubble gum wrappers..
A Demonstration to the Power of TruthinessEdit
Many depressed, alcoholic, stay at home Democrats who were draining the American economy have profited by Oprah’s 4:00 show. Without a degree in education, public health, music, social work, counseling, psychology, sociology, history, law, home ec, bricklaying, or other qualifications, Oprah has advised millions on how to get off their ass and do something. Her ability as an untrained expert is a testimony to the power of the principles of truthiness as laid out by Dr. Stephen Colbert.
She rules all African American authors by naming their books for them.
She pwned Russell Simmons by naming his book "Do You!" which sounds very suggestive.
The Two Greatest Universes Ever Collide! Quote from the Colbert Report on OprahEdit
SC: On Oprah's show they did it right. One of her guests was asked about truthiness, and here's what he said. [clip shows a man saying truthiness was coined by Stephen]
SC: Now that guy, I don't know who he was, he gave me the credit I was due! And, uh, something else there... [clip rolls again]
SC: Right there! Off camera, Oprah says "Yeah"! Play that back, and this time, let's isolate Oprah! [slow motion version of the clip plays, where Oprah says...]
SC: Yeah! I think she might have even said, "Hell, yeah." But regardless, that is proof positive that Oprah Winfrey knows who I am! This, ladies and gentlemen, should be the headline on tomorrow's New York Times! Oprah, on existence of Stephen Colbert: Yeah.
- Owner of the largest head known to man (87.7 pounds)
- Her hypnotic mastery of the air-waves has amassed her great amounts of wealth which are guarded by rescued African tribes and soccer moms
- She was once stalked by bonquiqui.
- Many of her staff are illegal alien oompa loompas
- Oprah mud wrestles against Martha Stewart and wins
- Rachael Ray cuts her toe nails
- Oprah ages three times slower than normal Humans.
- Michael Jackson taught Oprah to moonwalk. She reportedly performs the tribal dance in her attic late at night
- Is a Kanye West Fan
- Was raped by her uncle and got pregnant. This makes her a member of the Hollywood Pregnancy Association. Since she was unmarried this puts her on the "Past Bad Pregnancies list"
- can bring down satellites with her mindEpisode #352
- Oprah's vah jay jay, a frequent topic of the The Oprah Winfrey Show, has been known to swallow whole galaxies and is being studied by Stephen Hawking. It has been named Oprah's Big Take.