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The One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater is pictured here. This alien creature is an extremely dangerous mutation of the Iraqi bear. It evolved over a series of unfortunate events.
September 16, 1971 was like any other September night in Baghdad. After a long day in school, where he took classes such as Cruel and Unusual Punishments 101, Beating Shiites: The Basics, and Home Ec., Uday Hussein was walking home when he noticed a shipment of toxic chemicals were being taken to be dumped on some innocent Kurds. Suddenly, an idea to play a practical joke on his loving father sprang into his head, so he used his authority as the Dictator's son ("If you don't do what I say my daddy will pay to have you killed") to acquire some of these toxic chemicals. That night at dinner, when his caring father wasn't looking, little innocent Uday slipped a vile of said chemicals over Saddam's chicken and a little into his wine.
That night, poor Saddam came down with a horrible case of the squirts (that is the technical name for them). After several dozen flushings of his gold plated toliet, Iraq's top quality sewage system carried the Dictator's toxic defication into the backyard of a Kurd family.
This quiet, peaceful kurd neighborhood had the unlucky nature to be built right in the breeding ground of the vicious Iraqi bears. One of these bears was very thirsty after just having to chase several Kurds from its mating den where it kept its bear bitches, and strolling through the above mentioned backyard, discovered the sewer pit and, being a stupid Iraqi bear (they are well known as the most unintelligent of all the bears), decided to have a drink. From some unknown phenomenon, Saddam Hussein was not at all affected by the toxic waste, but the bear was severely altered.
Some scholars have speculated that Hussein was not changed in the least because he was already so messed up he could not be screwed with anymore. This hypothesis was widely seen among scholars as incredibly ridiculous, but since no better explanation could be found, it was adopted by the scientific community. Further experiments were conducted over the years to find a more plausible explanation, but since the Dictator's death, the Scientific Community's overall opinion has been described by the head of Oxford's Science Division as quote, "Err, screw it! Who really cares anyway?!"
Unfortunately though, the bear suffered enormous amounts of physical and mental damage. Over a period of a week he and all other Iraqi bears who drank from the sewer were transformed into to vicious One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eaters.
Do not ever ever ever under-estimate the ferocity of the One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater. This beast can grow to and average of 12' tall and weigh approximately 8 tons. With razor sharp teeth it can rip through any material in the world, with the exception of the skin of Stephen Colbert. This creature's one giant eye, which can extend as much as 2.5' in diameter, can see for 7 miles and possesses X-ray, Infrared, Spinach, and Banana Nut vision. Only three people in the world have survived a One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater attack by fighting back: Stephen Colbert,
Chuck Norris, and Jesus H. Christ. However, Mr. Norris sustained terrible gashes to the buttocks and Mr. Christ, while trying to pray the beast away, was stabbed through his wrists with the razor sharp horn. These wounds were later blamed on the nails of the cross when he was crucified, in order to jump start the Catholic Faith.
There is a mere chance of 2 to the power of 602,200,000,000,000,000,000,001 against of survival when coming in contact with a One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater. There are three rare situations where the One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater won't want to eat a helpless victim, however.
The first is if the vicious creature simply just finished one meal and has already filled its appetite. While they are extremely vicious creatures, One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eaters are very self-conscious. They possess absolutely no self-esteem what so ever because other bear species will make fun of them calling them either "One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple, Fatties" or "You're the fucking purple people eater version of Michael Moore, bitch!" These aren't all that great insults (granted they do come from the minds of bears), but the One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eaters are still very hurt by them and have once been known to have run home crying for their mommies.
Of course since the chance of survival when meeting a One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater is also equal to the chance of actually meeting one. Finding an already full beast is extremely rare.
No one knows the second.
The third is that you taste bad. One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eaters have 6 very sensitive taste buds and if your flavor disagrees with any of these six, the beast won't eat you. In order to test for this before eating a victim, the One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater will simply lick a person before chowing down. If you are licked by a One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater and it decides not to eat you, you have your life but are turned purple for the rest of your days. There are only around a dozen people still alive today who have survived an attack this way. They are pictured here:
If you are unfortunate enough to stumble upon a One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater, the following simple steps should be taken to increase the chance of survival from 2 to the power of 602,200,000,000,000,000,000,001 to 2 to the power of 602,200,000,000,000,000,000,000:
- If you are hiking through the mountains of Iraq with a friend:
- Try to let your friend be eaten. This will ensure that the One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater is full and will not eat you.
- If you are alone:
- You're pretty much screwed. Sorry.
- Fall to your knees and pray to Stephen Colbert that you make it to heaven.
- Reflect upon your life and hope you have led a decent where people liked you (I mean how horrible would it be if you're about to die and you know everyone thought you were an annoying ball-less prick).
- If possible, find some means of taking your own life before the One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater reaches you (understandably, this could be quite difficult).
- If you fail step #3, curl up into a ball and hope the One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater won't want to devour you. Who knows, maybe you don't have enough meat on you.
The best precaution against any attack from a One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater is to never hike through the mountains of Iraq. We must pray to Stephen Colbert for the safety of our troops over in Iraq who face the threat of a One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater attack every day.
The One Way To Stop The One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying Purple People EaterEdit
The only way to stop the One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying Purple People Eater is to first distract him with a bag of Doritos. He loves Doritos and will easily go after a bag of them. Second, get in contact with the Council of Doom. They have expertise in situations such as this one. Wait under a rock or in a cave until a memeber of the Council finds you. This will ensure your safety and also allow the Council to study the One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying Purple People Eater to gather more information and data on him. Once that happens, they will make an army of them and likely terrorize the haters of the One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying Purple People Eater.